Tag Archives: admissions

Heartwarming: When This Upcoming Transfer Was Unable To Attend, Cornell Promptly Replaced Her Spot!

When financial setbacks prevented upcoming transfer Divya Martin from being temporarily unable to afford attendance at Cornell, the admissions department bravely acted with their hearts and gave her spot to a well-connected student who had been on the waitlist!

All of us were so heartbroken by Divya’s story. Not only did she have great grades at her local community college, but her lifelong dream was to attend Cornell University. So when we found out that Cornell made sure to quickly give away her spot, we were all overwhelmed with joy. It’s amazing what a kindhearted institution like Cornell can do!

Even better—instead of losing money that could really help the school’s mission, by replacing Divya’s seat as soon as possible Cornell GAINED a net profit from the full tuition the new student will pay!

You can try again next year, Divya!

I Understand That College Applications are Evaluated Holistically, But Can Someone Tell Me Whose Dick I Have To Suck To Get My Son Into Cornell?

Hey guys. I’m just a father trying to get my son into Cornell University, and yeah, I’ve heard the whole shpiel. “All applications are evaluated holistically…” and blah blah blah, but give me a break. What I really wanna know is, whose dick I have to suck to get my son admitted to this prestigious university?

I get that the admission of my son, Kip, will be decided on the quality of not just his GPA but also his extracurriculars, college essay, and overall achievements, but I think the quality of the seduction techniques used to get Cornell’s Head of Admissions into my bed will factor a bit more into the decision.

I’ve been told by plenty of people that if Kip is a passionate, talented student, his application will speak for itself, but I think the lack of me speaking due to a Cornell official’s penis being in my mouth would be far more effective.

I know what you’re thinking. A dad offering to suck people off for his son’s higher education? That’s pretty strange, but goddamnit, I will blow every single living human being in Day Hall if it gets my son one step closer to spending the next four years of his life in Ithaca.