After hitting a personal low in Olin Library (crying in the stacks for 3 straight hours), I decided to treat myself to some delicious, refreshing, and free water from the lovely little fountain in the basement.
I figured through sheer willpower alone, I could evade the inevitable disease that was indicated by the blaring red water filter sign before me. Little did I know, my natural defenses didn’t stand a chance against the hazardous waste brewing in the depths of Olin. Truth be told, I should have sucked it up and spent $3 at the Amit Bhatia Libe Cafe.
I first started to become concerned upon viewing the water, which was yellow, fizzing, and burning hot. I figured it was just the lighting that was skewing my perception of the water, and finished my entire Hydro Flask. The second red flag was the fact that the water tasted like freshly scooped dirt, but this too was a warning sign I ignored.
That night, when I turned off the lights to go to sleep, I noticed a most peculiar light emanating from underneath my sheets. Lo and behold, it was I. My skin was shining, dazzling, and blinding. It was at that moment that my worst fears were confirmed: the Olin slop had transformed me into some sort of bioluminescent creature.
Never in my life have I been told that I “light up the room” more frequently now that I glow in the dark, thanks to the Olin Library “water.”
So, it’s that time of week again: time to do your chores; your laundry. Not to worry though; laundry is easy, especially when factoring in the reliability of your dorm’s four laundry machines that are meant to service hundreds of residents. It’s almost therapeutic, as if you’re washing away your sins of the past week or month or however long you’ve put off doing this very simple task. We’re not judging.
Throw those yucky clothes into the wash, set your timer for 36 minutes, and 45 minutes later that hefty load of yours is ready to dry! You pull tangled jeans and underwear (definitely still saturated with bodily fluids) out of the washer, but something is missing.
It’s stuck in between the door and the barrel. Really stuck. And sopping wet.
You give that sucker a big ol’ tug, hoping it’ll come sliding out nice and easy. Nothing. You pull again, and again, and still it’s not budging! There are two choices here: continue pulling on that darn sock until it comes out or accept defeat. But maybe you wore that pizza-patterned sock throughout high school and it reminds you of a simpler time, or it was a birthday gift from that one slightly toxic ex of yours that you never really got over, or you just need to salvage it since the rest of your socks have holes in them. Either way defeat is not an option.
No! Someone is putting your half-clean clothes on top of the washer to make room for their dirty load. Before you can say anything, they set the machine to its most aggressive cycle and leave. You know that sock is being sucked into the endless void that is the interior of the washing machine and will remain stuck there for all of eternity. Retrieving that sock was never an option, peace was never an option.
Student Assembly elections start on September 26th! Do you know which SA positions are on the ballot this Fall? Take a look at the open seats here!
- Song Leader
- Slope Dude
- Director of SA Committee for Un-Cornellian Activities
- Mitt Romney
- Senior Soothsayer
- Dungeon Sweeper
- Master of Ceremonies
- Representative of Representatives to the Representatives of the House
- Construction Maintenance Overlord
- The guy who eats all of Hunter Rawlings’ food to make sure there’s no poison
- Money Spender
- Computer Daniel (two seats available)
- Keeper of the Quads
- Caucasian Male Officer of Political Correctness
- Hall Monitor
- Conservative Christian Archetype
- Long Lost Uncle
- Intersectionality Rep
- Court Jester
- Socrates Quoter
- Defense Against the Dark Arts Coordinator
- Blue Lightbulb Changer
- Guide Dog
- Gorge Troll
- Choir Boy
- Adjunct Professor
- Secretary of Defense
- Cage Fight Officiator
- Token Southpaw
- Corrupt Official
Nice! We can’t wait to vote on these seats next week!