CORNELL HEALTH—At a Friday morning launch event, representatives from Cornell Health’s Strategic Mental Health Task Force released dozens of trained therapy dogs to freely roam campus in an effort to reduce patient wait times.
“We hear a lot about folks not wanting to wait three months to meet with a mental health counselor,” explained task force chairwoman Natalie Caldrino, “so we thought playing to students’ hunter-gatherer instincts would be the next best alternative.”
According to sources familiar with the matter, the dogs were initially supposed to be trackable via an app, but upon learning about the associated costs, Cornell Health instead opted to let the dogs go and hope for the best.
“I suffer from severe anxiety and waiting around for a counselor to see me was getting pretty stale,” said Noah Pendor ’22 “But who needs a counselor when you can chase down a cold, frightened animal and force it to comfort you.”
As of press time, there were no more dogs.
While you’re waiting 30 or more days for professional treatment to address your mental health problems, CU Nooz has a list of fun things that you can do in the meantime!
- Try talking to an empty chair. Empty chairs are basically the same thing as people.
- Tell yourself your hyperventilation is a delayed reaction to your strenuous walk up the slope this morning. Yay, fitness!
- Stare at a lamp and then pretend the spot that shows up when you blink is a therapist.
- Stress balls: touch ‘em. That’s physical contact, right?
- Sit in the waiting room at Cornell Health as though your appointment is today. This is a very funny prank for you to pull on yourself, because your appointment is NOT today, and won’t be for about two months. LOL!
- Stop agonizing over your GPA. Ultimately, what matters most in college is hard work, passion, and having fun, as long as that still gets you into med school!
- Believe in yourself. Unlike CAPS, we can confirm you do exist.
- Lie down.
- Lie down on the floor.
- Lie down on the floor hugging yourself.
- Lie down on the floor hugging yourself and rocking back and forth like a sad little baby.
- Drop a class or two to reduce stress. Or maybe don’t. Your mom would be mad.
- Give yourself some “me time.” You’ll have 30+ days’ worth before you can have some “counseling time,” so get crackin’!
- Dining hall food isn’t always the healthiest; venture out and explore your options in Collegetown! Try CTB: it’s good for you, and it also takes an extremely long time. CTB is the therapy of food.
- Sleep. Unless you’re going to CAPS for insomnia, amirite? Hahahaha!
- Keep your chin up. That way the tears don’t fuck up your mascara!
- Get a security blanket and imagine that the safe, warm blanket surrounding you is a university that prioritizes your needs. Think of the blanket as a welcoming friend. But also, keep in mind it’s just a blanket. Don’t get attached.