Tag Archives: Career

Baller Alert: Recruiters Are All Over This Senior’s Dick, Basically

Thought you had a successful career fair? Well, think again! Fresh off his summer internship at Facebook, Stan Zhu ‘18 has dozens of recruiters trying to hop on his dick, basically.

Don’t believe us? In the past week alone, Zhu received 25 LinkedIn requests from probably-dripping-wet recruiters at companies like Google, Amazon, and Microsoft, who would give anything for his programming skills and his hot load on their faces, most likely!

And if you thought that wasn’t enough, when this stud muffin told Jane Street and MongoDB recruiters that he completed Twitter’s coding challenge in half the time allotted, they nearly came over the thought of hiring him and his massive cock, for all intents and purposes.

Wow, Stan! Way to make all these tech recruiters horny for you and your C++ wizardry, fundamentally speaking!

Zhu has already received full-time offers from recruiters who are, essentially, jerking off to all the UI improvements, bug fixes, and regular dickings they’ll get if he signs, virtually. Time will tell which practically-carnally-aroused representative on campus finally gets in bed with Cornell’s most wanted programming bachelor, in a sense!

Inspiring: This Freshman Already Knows Exactly What She’s Going To Do for the Rest of Her Life

When Sara Nelson first arrived at Cornell, her major was undeclared, and she wasn’t even sure if she was going to drop Gen Chem or stick with it. Well just look at her now, one week later. This inspiring freshman already knows exactly what she’s going to do with her life, starting with officially declaring both Psychology and Economics majors and a minor in Spanish, before she’s even had her first Cornell prelim. Talk about ambitious plans!

“Having an 8:40AM every Monday–Thursday will really help me get my day started on the right track,” said Nelson, still unsure of her section leader’s name. “And my break from 10:10–11AM every MWF will be perfect for completing at least two homework assignments.”

The tireless scholar continued to talk about how she intends on hitting the treadmills at Helen Newman after her classes end at 3:20PM every weekday. Her free time on weekends will be spent preparing her Student Assembly campaign. What a champ!

Not only does Nelson have her academic career set in stone, but also her life after graduating magna cum laude! This determined freshmen plans on going straight into the wild world of finance and expects to become a senior data analyst at Goldman Sachs after two successful years at the company.

It’s so motivating to see such a young Cornellian figure out her definitive life plans that are entirely set in stone. Keep up the great work Sara!