Baller Alert: Recruiters Are All Over This Senior’s Dick, Basically

Thought you had a successful career fair? Well, think again! Fresh off his summer internship at Facebook, Stan Zhu ‘18 has dozens of recruiters trying to hop on his dick, basically.

Don’t believe us? In the past week alone, Zhu received 25 LinkedIn requests from probably-dripping-wet recruiters at companies like Google, Amazon, and Microsoft, who would give anything for his programming skills and his hot load on their faces, most likely!

And if you thought that wasn’t enough, when this stud muffin told Jane Street and MongoDB recruiters that he completed Twitter’s coding challenge in half the time allotted, they nearly came over the thought of hiring him and his massive cock, for all intents and purposes.

Wow, Stan! Way to make all these tech recruiters horny for you and your C++ wizardry, fundamentally speaking!

Zhu has already received full-time offers from recruiters who are, essentially, jerking off to all the UI improvements, bug fixes, and regular dickings they’ll get if he signs, virtually. Time will tell which practically-carnally-aroused representative on campus finally gets in bed with Cornell’s most wanted programming bachelor, in a sense!

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