Tag Archives: Internship

Girlboss Moment? I Got an Internship at Mommy’s Company Instead of My Daddy’s

Uncategorized, , , , , ,

Hey boss babes! I think we can all agree that this year’s recruiting season has been a real toughie, even for the strongest girlies out there. I know for me personally, my internship search was filled with long, grueling hours of sending my half-assed resume to my mommy and daddy to share with their extensive list of professional connections. That’s why I’m thrilled to share that I’ve accepted an internship offer at my mommy’s company!

I wanted to share this special moment with my fellow WomEntrepreneurs not just because I got this position at a Fortune 500 company with little-to-no effort, but because I got it at my MOMMY’s company instead of my daddy’s! If you ask me, there’s no better way to celebrate Women’s History Month than with a girlboss moment!

I know what you’re thinking: my unmatched display of girl power has propelled me to the forefront of the feminist movement. I love activism, and it’s sooo awesome that us ladies can do nepotism too! With my two newfound leadership positions I can’t wait to shatter the last remaining glass ceiling: the wage gap between white women and white men!

Baller Alert: Recruiters Are All Over This Senior’s Dick, Basically

Uncategorized, , , , ,

Thought you had a successful career fair? Well, think again! Fresh off his summer internship at Facebook, Stan Zhu ‘18 has dozens of recruiters trying to hop on his dick, basically.

Don’t believe us? In the past week alone, Zhu received 25 LinkedIn requests from probably-dripping-wet recruiters at companies like Google, Amazon, and Microsoft, who would give anything for his programming skills and his hot load on their faces, most likely!

And if you thought that wasn’t enough, when this stud muffin told Jane Street and MongoDB recruiters that he completed Twitter’s coding challenge in half the time allotted, they nearly came over the thought of hiring him and his massive cock, for all intents and purposes.

Wow, Stan! Way to make all these tech recruiters horny for you and your C++ wizardry, fundamentally speaking!

Zhu has already received full-time offers from recruiters who are, essentially, jerking off to all the UI improvements, bug fixes, and regular dickings they’ll get if he signs, virtually. Time will tell which practically-carnally-aroused representative on campus finally gets in bed with Cornell’s most wanted programming bachelor, in a sense!

9 Ways to Make a Great First Impression

Uncategorized, , ,

Meeting future recommenders at your internship can seem intimidating, but with this guide to making a great first impression, you can’t go wrong. Here are 9 tips to succeed!

1. Assess the weather to start every conversation. Nice sun today, eh? It shows that you’re relatable.

2. Always nod when people speak, even if they’re not speaking to you. It at least shows them that you’re awake.

3. Make sure your shirt has sweat marks at all times so they know you’re working hard.

4. Plot twist: spill coffee on yourself to avoid accidentally getting some on your boss.

5. Identify your boss’ biggest confidante and copy their look, mannerisms, and scent exactly. Try for their spouse, the confessional at church, or their dog. You want to establish some level of familiarity.

6. When you meet Diane at HR, compliment her. Diane is a hardworking mother with three unruly kids in Little League and she doesn’t mess around. You want Diane to like you.

7. When greeted with “Hi, how are you?,” make sure to really engage in conversation by explaining that you’re doing alright, but last night you were reminded of one of your biggest weaknesses—which is working too hard—but you’re feeling hopeful because you know that you can spend this summer really thinking about how to better manage your time and become more effective at work.

8. Take over the copy machine. Move your belongings to build a fort around it and stand guard at all times. That way, everyone has to go through you to use the copier, and you know you’ll always be needed around the office.

9. Show them you’re making the most out of your internship experience. Drink the free coffee and don’t forget to grab a bathroom tissue roll on the way out!