Tag Archives: college

Heartwarming: When This Student In a Wheelchair Felt Left Out, These Brothers Helped Him Do a Keg Stand!

Adapting to College life can be tough for everyone, but imagine how hard it is for those of us facing physical disabilities. All of the social anxieties felt by being thrown into a new setting with dozens of people you’ve never met before get heightened by the palpable impairment that makes you feel completely different from everyone else.

This was especially true for Dwight Albert ‘21, who was paralyzed from the waist down when he was only four years old.

“Having a limited use of motor skills and using a wheelchair to get around is how I’ve lived for as long as I can remember, making it super tough to play even simple games like beer pong and slap cup, let alone do a keg stand,” said Albert.

When some people on his floor convinced him to go out last Saturday, Matthew was expecting more of the same: multiple sets of stares, awkward conversations, and just feeling out of place.

But right before Dwight was about to call it quits and head back to North, some brothers noticed he was looking a little down, and decided to completely turn his night around—or as some would say, upside-down!

“We just brought him over to the center of the room, helped him out of his wheelchair, and got him straightened out for the keg stand. He was a natural and everyone started chanting his name, it made the party that much better! He even was able to stay on there for 50 seconds, the longest of the night!” said Tanner Blake ’18, who originally had the idea to help out Dwight.

Wow! What an inspiring and uplifting story of brotherhood and compassion. Hopefully, this act of generosity can help make our campus a more inclusive place in the future!

Celebrate Black History Month at Cornell with Your Favorite Black Friends

It’s February, so that means it’s time to celebrate Black History Month! We all know about Martin Luther King Jr. and Harriet Tubman, so let’s take this opportunity to reflect on all of the meaningful connections you have made with your black friends, emphasis on the “s!”  What a good person you are! Without further ado, here’s a tribute to your favorite Black People™ at Cornell:

Cynthia

Here’s Cynthia!  Remember her? You walked over her while she lying down in protest in Willard Straight Hall. While you’re not sure why she’s so angry all the time, she certainly has some spunk! This one’s for you, Cynthia!

Johnny

Johnny sat in from of you in chemistry last year, and you liked his Facebook post about racism on campus. Good for you, bud!

That One Group of African Students

African students are an important part of the Cornell community and they deserve some recognition too! You don’t actually know any them but maybe you can ask them to give you some African lessons!

Kahlil

Don’t forget about Kahlil! He invited you to a Alpha Phi Alpha party and you managed to last five minutes without clutching your wallet and crying! He also taught you to dab without embarrassing yourself! Yay Kahlil!

Imani

Imani over there is the only person of color in your sorority, who thankfully fulfills your chapter’s diversity quota. One of these days you might even have a substantive conversation with her. Baby steps!

Isaiah

You haven’t even seen Isaiah in person, but you have a friend who’s friends with him, so that counts too, right? Score one for diversity!

Luis

While Luis is Dominican, you’re still unsure whether he’s black or not. Regardless, you don’t speak Spanish, so you’ll probably never find out anyway. Three cheers to you, Luis!

Wow! With so many African American friends, the possibilities for celebrating Black History Month at Cornell are endless!

I Understand That College Applications are Evaluated Holistically, But Can Someone Tell Me Whose Dick I Have To Suck To Get My Son Into Cornell?

Hey guys. I’m just a father trying to get my son into Cornell University, and yeah, I’ve heard the whole shpiel. “All applications are evaluated holistically…” and blah blah blah, but give me a break. What I really wanna know is, whose dick I have to suck to get my son admitted to this prestigious university?

I get that the admission of my son, Kip, will be decided on the quality of not just his GPA but also his extracurriculars, college essay, and overall achievements, but I think the quality of the seduction techniques used to get Cornell’s Head of Admissions into my bed will factor a bit more into the decision.

I’ve been told by plenty of people that if Kip is a passionate, talented student, his application will speak for itself, but I think the lack of me speaking due to a Cornell official’s penis being in my mouth would be far more effective.

I know what you’re thinking. A dad offering to suck people off for his son’s higher education? That’s pretty strange, but goddamnit, I will blow every single living human being in Day Hall if it gets my son one step closer to spending the next four years of his life in Ithaca.