It was a regular old Sunday morning, which meant dialing in for my extended family’s Sunday brunch Zoom call, and something about the way his face was getting red told me Uncle Gary was about to turn a whole lot of people dying into some political stance.
I’d seen Gary’s Facebook tirades about how state governments were “juicing” their death tolls, as if families losing loved ones was somehow a deep state conspiracy. Anyways, the second Chuck Todd said “if it’s Sunday, it’s Meet the Press” in the background of Cousin Steve’s Zoom, Gary looked about ready to burst.
And lo, the floodgates burst with almighty cries of “you shouldn’t be watching that Socialist propaganda!” All of a sudden there was an endless barrage of “fake news media” and “Chinese bioterror,” with a dash of “they just want to keep the economy closed to tank the administration.” It was all a pretty big yikes moment.
After Steve mentioned that more Americans have died of COVID-19 than the entire Vietnam War, Uncle Gary doubled down, claiming the “Vietnam War wasn’t even that bad.” It was all pretty wild, especially when Gary asked why “the deaths are magically only scary in blue states?”
By the end of the call, Uncle Gary really lost the audience when he used the terms “a whole buncha dead people” and “phoney-baloney” in the same sentence.
Now that the holiday season is wrapping up, here are some tips for how to look more cute and less like an all-out assault on the eyeballs when wearing the absolutely nauseating sweater you just got from your bitch of a grandma.
Even though your dumbass grandma is forcing you to wear this piece of shit, you can still rock it. Yes, it’s got pom-poms and ruffles, and yes, when you put it on you look like a sad clown in a dog sweater—but you’re here to do you. So just have fun and party on, and people will be asking, “Where’d you get it?” and not “Who did this to you?”
Turn tragedy into trendy by getting creative and adding jackets and coats over this worthless piece of trash. Put as much fabric as possible between this crap sweater and the outside world, so as to minimize how much people will have to see of the nightmare garment your idiot relative gave you. I honestly can’t believe Edith. That evil little shit. She should know better.
Add glittery, eye-catching accessories to complete the look, and also to distract from the yarn-cloth curse your stupid whore grandma has laid upon you. Just because your grandma is being a goddamn asshole on fucking Christmas doesn’t mean you have to lose your sparkle. Shine on, baby girl.
Set it the fuck on fire and wear something else
Tell your grandma you want to “warm it up” a bit and then throw the sweater neck first into the blazing hearth. Enjoy roasted chestnuts and s’mores while you watch it shrivel and die, just like your bitch grandma will someday. Merry Christmas.