Nothing says Thanksgiving like joining friends, parents, and grandparents for a wholesome night of pure, unfiltered bullying! This evening Lynah Faithful will flock to Madison Square Garden to inflict permanent psychological damage upon the Boston University hockey team—a demonstration of the Cornell community’s admirable closeness and warmth.
“I look forward to bringing my family every year,” beamed alum Larry Walker ‘92. “There’s just something so beautiful about 1000 Cornellians, old and young, chanting in choir-like unison to inform the opposing goalie of his profound resemblance to Squidward, President Pollack, and the Low Rise 7 goblin-rat.”
Just in case verbal assault doesn’t do the trick, Cornellians have prop-packs prepared to remind the Massachusetts safety school of its place. Among the included items are newspapers (to read while BU is being announced, and to chuck at adjacent BU fans afterward); keys (to signal BU that they may warm up their bus, as their asses have been sufficiently whooped); and plush terriers on stakes (to light on fire for maximum PTSD).
“It’ll be my grandchildren’s first hockey game,” said alum Beatrice Appel ‘67. “They’re so excited to burn the terriers, behead the terriers, and throw the terriers’ charred remains onto the ice!”
At press time, it was still uncertain whether Appel’s grandchildren, aged 3 and 4, were referring to the team members or the plushies—or whether it mattered.
ITHACA—As students return to campus for another hybrid semester, many long to reclaim their lost semesters. Whether you’re a wide-eyed freshman trying to craft a public indecency-free bucket list or a dejected senior mourning the inevitable loss of your Catherine Street block party, this list is for you. Here are our top 10 things to do on campus, ranked by how likely they are to stay closed all semester.
10. Get your biweekly surveillance test. Open all days of the week. Don’t be a dick.
9. Visit the Harry Potter Library. Also known as the A.D. White Library. Turns out the room is open for reservations, meaning you might actually get a seat this time.
8. Eat at Establishment. Still open for takeout. You’ll no longer be waited on by your classmates which, depending on the size of your god complex, is either better or worse.
7. Listen to a chimes concert from the top of the clocktower. The best view you’ll find at Cornell. Now we just have drone footage.
6. Go bowling at Helen Newman Hall. We’re still holding out hope that the Tuesday night special will make a reappearance, but it’s looking like the only strikes we’ll get will be from the Daily Check.
5. Dress up for an event at the Johnson Museum of Art. Let’s be honest–it’s not like you would’ve been able to get a ticket anyways.
4. Watch a hockey game. Maybe next year, when there actually is a season.
3. Get free popcorn at Willard Straight Hall. This one devastates us the most but we’re guessing the money from the popcorn budget went towards contact tracing frat bros.
2. Go all out for Slope Day. As if Cornell would let a bunch of touch-starved, horny, socially-deprived twenty-somethings mosh together, even outdoors.
1. Take your mandatory swim test. You lucky bastards.
Good news, Lynah Faithful! At this Saturday’s hockey game at Madison Square Garden, it will be an easy time to come up with ways to taunt University of New Hampshire goalie Jeff McCray because, as of last monday morning, his father was just laid off from the automobile manufacturing job he held since 1987!
Can you say “Sieve!”?
It won’t be hard for Cornell fans to come up with jeers such as “You’re fired, McCray!” and “Struggling to pay the bills?!”. After hearing “Hey Jeff, your father’s employer just called and he said,” students will get to yell at the top of their lungs: “nothing because your dad is unemployed!” with as much energy as the Chinese economy, boosted from outsourcing of American jobs. Don’t let me down!
Cornellians were certainly given quite a scare yesterday when McCray announced he was considering dropping out of college to return home and earn money to support his struggling family. Luckily, because he’s decided to stay on the UNH hockey team and follow his dad’s advice to “never stop pursuing his dreams,” fans will be free to yell at him until he breaks down in tears!
For those who want to support McCray’s family, his parents are currently collecting donations to stop the bank from foreclosing their home.