Tag Archives: Holidays

Happy Thanksgiving! Thousands of Disease-Ridden Students Sent Home to Families In True Colonizer Spirit

In light of the growing number of COVID cases and the approaching holiday season, hoards of infected students have returned home to their families to celebrate the Thanksgiving holiday like it was originally celebrated: with the spreading of potentially lethal infectious diseases. 

“Lately I’ve been trying to become more in touch with my colonizer roots,” said local conqueror Margaret Coughlin ‘23.  “Plus I’m really amped to get into the true American spirit of things this holiday season, which is why I plan on travelling by ship and spitting, licking, and shitting on every possible surface in a once safe environment as a means of spreading all of my germs without the consent of any residents.” Superspreader legend!

Some students like Coughlin are just thrilled to spread their way cross country, while others are equally as eager to reconnect with distant and definitely ancient family members. 

“It’s only once a year that I get to come home to my Mee-Maw, Pee-Paw, and all the other immunocompromised relatives and give each and every single one of them a wet kiss on the lips,” said area conquistador Jack Cortez ‘22. “Watching them all come down with the virus in 3-14 days will be just like experiencing the 1600s in real time; I’m even considering plotting a crop of corn on indigenous land.” Blast from the past!

While many disease-ridden students went home, the infected who cautiously stayed in the Ithaca area were sure to express ship hand-crafted blankets to contaminate their families back home.

How to Look Cute Wearing the Awful Fucking Sweater Your Bitch Grandma Gave You

Now that the holiday season is wrapping up, here are some tips for how to look more cute and less like an all-out assault on the eyeballs when wearing the absolutely nauseating sweater you just got from your bitch of a grandma.

 

Be yourself!

Even though your dumbass grandma is forcing you to wear this piece of shit, you can still rock it. Yes, it’s got pom-poms and ruffles, and yes, when you put it on you look like a sad clown in a dog sweater—but you’re here to do you. So just have fun and party on, and people will be asking, “Where’d you get it?” and not “Who did this to you?”

 

Layer

Turn tragedy into trendy by getting creative and adding jackets and coats over this worthless piece of trash. Put as much fabric as possible between this crap sweater and the outside world, so as to minimize how much people will have to see of the nightmare garment your idiot relative gave you. I honestly can’t believe Edith. That evil little shit. She should know better.

 

Accessorize

Add glittery, eye-catching accessories to complete the look, and also to distract from the yarn-cloth curse your stupid whore grandma has laid upon you. Just because your grandma is being a goddamn asshole on fucking Christmas doesn’t mean you have to lose your sparkle. Shine on, baby girl.

 

Set it the fuck on fire and wear something else

Tell your grandma you want to “warm it up” a bit and then throw the sweater neck first into the blazing hearth. Enjoy roasted chestnuts and s’mores while you watch it shrivel and die, just like your bitch grandma will someday. Merry Christmas.

Can You Tell a Student Assembly Meeting from Your Family Fighting at Thanksgiving?

There are plenty of impassioned discussions happening on and off campus! Do you think you can distinguish between a heated argument occurring in a Student Assembly meeting and a stressful dinner conversation between your relatives at Thanksgiving? It’s harder than you would think!

1. Which one of these conversations happened in your childhood home?

 
 

2. Which of these is an argument in a regularly scheduled SA meeting in Willard Straight Hall?

 
 

3. Does one of these sound like something you would hear your crazy relatives talking about? Which one is it?!

 
 

4. If Student Assembly gets one thing right, it’s thoughtful discussion and discourse! Which one of these conversations did the SA bicker about?

 
 

5. It’s good to know we have such effective leaders. Both at school and in our homes. But which of these happened at Cornell?