By Miley Mortgage
I know you sexually frustrated quarintiners probably want me to tell you some empowering story about me letting go of my insecurities while getting my pussy stuffed by three strangers in the clocktower. Maybe you’d like to read a feel-good tale of how I finally taught Jake the difference between the urethra and the clitoris. But this week, all I have is a very unerotic story about a completely mundane weeknight where I lounged on the couch in sweatpants and watched HGTV with my mom.
To be clear, there will be absolutely nothing sensual, salacious, or even mildly titillating in this article henceforth. No one would blame you for turning around at this point.
With that disclaimer out of the way let me just tell you something: These people on House Hunters International had NO BUSINESS moving to Prague whatsoever. First of all, only one of them had a job (he was a footwear model), and neither of them spoke any Czech. That might be an issue don’t you think? Also, this guy was dead set on living out in the country, while she refused to even consider a property outside the city center. Why didn’t they decide on that before they went on the show?! At the same time, they had this enormous wish list of items and a budget of only €250 per month. I definitely don’t think they needed three bedrooms or a personal office space. Then, when the realtor would show them properties they could actually afford that didn’t have some of the things they were asking for, they had the audacity to get mad at her. Madness!
I tried raising some of these concerns to my mom, but she wasn’t paying attention because she was on her phone sending me pinterest posts of “fun diy crafts” we should “totally make together” during isolation.
Finally the episode was about to end. They were about to choose between three properties: 1) The downtown studio that was over their budget and located directly over a noisy nightclub with no working washer and dryer 2) The fully finished suburban loft in their price range with two bedrooms and an outdoor patio space located minutes from the train station (obviously the correct choice) 3) The over budget fixer-upper 35 minutes from town with three bedrooms but no central heating system. The morons went with number three.
Right after the couple made their questionable selection, the show fast forwarded to six months later, after they had already moved in. Unsurprisingly, there were still renovations going on. I guess the extra bedroom wasn’t such a bad idea after all though, because they had added a roommate up into the mix. The guy’s parents had moved in with them, which given current events probably didn’t turn out too well for him.
After the show was over, I downed a whole bottle of wine and promptly passed out in my bed at 9pm. This is the end of the article.
While some students may not care enough to engage in politics, Maya Pappas ’21 decided to fight for the country’s future by thinking about looking up how to get an absentee ballot sent to Ithaca.
“I’m no hero,” said the champion of democracy. “It’s just so obvious to me that Biden’s visibly deteriorating mental state and uninspiring civility-oriented pitch will make him all too easy for Trump to beat. I have a responsibility to tell myself I’ll figure out how to vote, before ultimately neglecting to do so.”
What an inspiration! As you’d expect, none of Maya’s friend’s were surprised at her brave probably upcoming stand. “She’s always the one to talk about politics and how terrible it would be if Biden won the primary,” said her friend Chris O’Shaughnessy ’21. “Of course she was the one who came the closest of any of us to voting.”
And don’t think this is the end of Maya’s activism: she already has big plans to complain a lot about how Biden managed to win the nomination with almost no support from young people after the primary is over.
Photo credit (obviously) to the Cornell Daily Sun.
Universities should facilitate the free exchange of ideas between all kinds of people. But often I find that the liberal bias on Cornell’s campus represses my ability to openly discuss my conservative viewpoints or the finer details of the dozens of volumes of Star Wars erotic fan fictions I’ve penned.
Last week, as I tried to explain the benefits of traditional marriage, I was drowned out by triggered, politically-correct liberals who labeled me a hypocrite, just because I’ve written extensively on the steamy romance between Obi-Wan Kenobi and Jar Jar Binks on the hot sands of Tatooine after the events of Star Wars Episode III. It is disrespectful for left-wing Cornellians to not have an open, honest conversation on each subject individually.
So-called “progressives” at Cornell are destroying the First Amendment. When I talk about race with liberals, they label my honest opinions as “hate speech” and tell me to stop being “politically incorrect.” The same goes for discussions on my recent piece Star Wars 69: The D Strikes Back. Cornell liberals say it is “grossly offensive and inaccurate” to depict Queen Amidala, with four extra breasts, giving ghost Yoda fellatio on the command bridge of the Second Death Star while Chewbacca jerks off an Ewok in the background. What ever happened to freedom of the press and freedom of speech?
Cornellians across party lines will never agree on every issue, but that’s what democracy is all about. I’ll never convince Democrats to sign on to trickle-down economics. And both Democrats and Republicans will never support my artistic choice to portray Han Solo from Episode VII penetrating Jabba The Hutt penetrating Han Solo from Episode IV. But if our students cannot have an open and respectful conversation about these important topics, the significance of that democracy is lost.
The college campus was once a place where students, academics, and all great thinkers were free to share new ideas. The knowledge, technology, and advancements born from a university’s exchange of ideas saw no limits. But is political correctness now inhibiting the creative potential of universities? And has anyone seen Max, my missing cocker spaniel?
While I sympathize with the P.C. movement, I think it goes too far sometimes. It’s fair to stand up for what you believe in, but to the extent where many prominent comedians and entertainers no longer tour colleges because of protests against jokes? That’s too much.
Speaking of going too far, I bet Max is still in Collegetown. He only ran away from my apartment on Dryden last night, so he couldn’t have gone more than a few miles. If anyone reading this is on Eddy or Catherine now, can you take a look out the window for me please? He’s brown and white and wearing a collar with “Max” and my phone number on it. Thanks.
Political correctness can also hurt the media. For example, if I used the “R” word in this article, people might protest to shut us down and accuse us of hate speech. Whatever happened to freedom of the press, or the first amendment?
Here’s something I DO know you can say: “Max.” Again, that’s my dog’s name. If you’re just walking around, please call out his name, maybe he’s just hiding. He also responds to “Buddy.”
Only time can tell what the post-PC campus will bring. Will bright, diverse minds stop coming to Cornell? Will all non-progressive media be censored? Will the ASPCA return my message? I urge you all to think about the negatives of PC, and email/call me if you’ve seen my dog- any information is good information!