political | CU Noozfeed

You’re walking through Ho Plaza, and you see a guy your age wearing flannel, which is a red flag already, but: uh oh! What’s that you see? He’s not wearing a mask! You quickly move through the five stages of grief reckoning with the fact he is definitely a Trump supporter who believes dead Biden supporters stole the election,
until you realize it’s possible he might’ve just, like… forgotten it? How do you know?

1. Is he taking your mask off with his eyes?

Yes, he absolutely is giving you frat-boy-rapist vibes to the max

No, he seems worried about spreading a potentially lethal disease

2. Does he look unconcerned while wearing a red baseball cap?

Yes, in fact he seems proud of it.

No, he’s constantly looking around him and often blurts out “don’t worry, it says Cornell on it!”

3. Is he maintaining social distancing?

Yes, he looks appropriately terrified of other people

No, he is giving unsolicited handshakes to all the older white men that walk by him

4. Does he refer to women as ‘females’?

Yes, unless they’re hot, and then he affectionately calls them hoes

No, and he wore a pink pussy hat once

5. Does his name have “the Third” or “the Fourth” in it?

Yes, he proudly comes from a long line of regressive white cis men named John Robert

No, his name is mispronounced by every white person who meets him

6. Has he ever read a book by Ayn Rand and not thought, “gross”?

Yes, and he thinks it really says “a lot about society”

No, ew

7. Does he jerk off to stock market reports?

Yes, the sight of ruthless free-market capitalism makes him cum

No, he is a Sociology major with a heart of gold

8. Does he use the word “actually” at least once a day?

Yes, and he often has to insist that he’s not Mansplaining because “I would say the same thing to a man!”

No, but he does constantly apologize

9. Does he suddenly get very defensive when someone mentions Harry Styles?

Yes, he hate man skirt because men do man thing

No, he just gets sad and recognizes that he’ll never be as attractive as him

10. Was he nowhere to be found on November 7th?

Yes, he was hiding in his room all day watching re-runs of Trump’s inauguration to drown out the emphatic cheering outside

No, he was sitting shotgun in a Tesla waving a Biden-Harris flag all day

CU Noozfeed

Tag Archives: political

Quiz: Is He a Republican or Did He Just Forget His Mask at Home?