Tag Archives: Politics

Quiz: Is He a Republican or Did He Just Forget His Mask at Home?

You’re walking through Ho Plaza, and you see a guy your age wearing flannel, which is a red flag already, but: uh oh! What’s that you see? He’s not wearing a mask! You quickly move through the five stages of grief reckoning with the fact he is definitely a Trump supporter who believes dead Biden supporters stole the election,
until you realize it’s possible he might’ve just, like… forgotten it? How do you know?

We’ve got you covered. Take this quiz to find out!

1. Is he taking your mask off with his eyes?


2. Does he look unconcerned while wearing a red baseball cap?


3. Is he maintaining social distancing?


4. Does he refer to women as ‘females’?


5. Does his name have “the Third” or “the Fourth” in it?


6. Has he ever read a book by Ayn Rand and not thought, “gross”?


7. Does he jerk off to stock market reports?


8. Does he use the word “actually” at least once a day?


9. Does he suddenly get very defensive when someone mentions Harry Styles?


10. Was he nowhere to be found on November 7th?


Uh-Oh! Sounds Like Uncle Gary’s About to Politicize Thousands of Deaths

It was a regular old Sunday morning, which meant dialing in for my extended family’s Sunday brunch Zoom call, and something about the way his face was getting red told me Uncle Gary was about to turn a whole lot of people dying into some political stance.

I’d seen Gary’s Facebook tirades about how state governments were “juicing” their death tolls, as if families losing loved ones was somehow a deep state conspiracy. Anyways, the second Chuck Todd said “if it’s Sunday, it’s Meet the Press” in the background of Cousin Steve’s Zoom, Gary looked about ready to burst.

And lo, the floodgates burst with almighty cries of “you shouldn’t be watching that Socialist propaganda!” All of a sudden there was an endless barrage of “fake news media” and “Chinese bioterror,” with a dash of “they just want to keep the economy closed to tank the administration.” It was all a pretty big yikes moment.

After Steve mentioned that more Americans have died of COVID-19 than the entire Vietnam War, Uncle Gary doubled down, claiming the “Vietnam War wasn’t even that bad.” It was all pretty wild, especially when Gary asked why “the deaths are magically only scary in blue states?”

By the end of the call, Uncle Gary really lost the audience when he used the terms “a whole buncha dead people” and “phoney-baloney” in the same sentence.

Doing Her Part: Student Who Doesn’t Want Biden To Be Nominee Almost Gets Around To Requesting Absentee Ballot

While some students may not care enough to engage in politics, Maya Pappas ’21 decided to fight for the country’s future by thinking about looking up how to get an absentee ballot sent to Ithaca.

“I’m no hero,” said the champion of democracy. “It’s just so obvious to me that Biden’s visibly deteriorating mental state and uninspiring civility-oriented pitch will make him all too easy for Trump to beat. I have a responsibility to tell myself I’ll figure out how to vote, before ultimately neglecting to do so.”

What an inspiration! As you’d expect, none of Maya’s friend’s were surprised at her brave probably upcoming stand. “She’s always the one to talk about politics and how terrible it would be if Biden won the primary,” said her friend Chris O’Shaughnessy ’21. “Of course she was the one who came the closest of any of us to voting.”

And don’t think this is the end of Maya’s activism: she already has big plans to complain a lot about how Biden managed to win the nomination with almost no support from young people after the primary is over.

Life Hack: Save Time Writing Papers by Redacting Everything

Ever find yourself nine pages deep on a Friday night, trying to get to that sweet, sweet number 10? Well, our team of successful students and espionage attorneys have the perfect solution for you! Everyone knows about enlarging periods or expanding margins to lengthen your essay, but this one trick will finish your paper in just one simple step—what could be easier? All you have to do is… redact everything! That’s right, the whole thing!

This tried-and-true method for hiding things under small black boxes is perfect for everyone from stressed-out students to nervous government officials. Whatever it is, just hit Ctrl+A, highlight in black, and boom: Life=hacked!!! The instructor literally cannot penalize you or he will face prosecution. What a great DIY trick!

The best part? If it’s redacted, you can write literally anything!!! Put some random strings of letters under there, or confidential information—the reader will never know. If you’re asked about it, just mumble something about “regulations” or “sensitive information!” They’ll think your transition sentences are so good that leaking them would be a threat to national security.

Does your thesis statement “lack contravertability”? Just redact that shit. Come up with some excuse like “Harm to an Ongoing Matter.” After all, your GPA is an ongoing matter, right?

Pretty sick, right? But the best part of all is that |HARM TO AN ONGOING MATTER Oh, so you think you’re really fucking clever right now, don’t you. Highlighting the text to read the words like a big man, huh? Well get ready. Our lawyers are going to pounce on you so fucking hard. The rest of this is pure nonsense—let’s see how you like that.