Tag Archives: Republican

Quiz: Is He a Republican or Did He Just Forget His Mask at Home?

You’re walking through Ho Plaza, and you see a guy your age wearing flannel, which is a red flag already, but: uh oh! What’s that you see? He’s not wearing a mask! You quickly move through the five stages of grief reckoning with the fact he is definitely a Trump supporter who believes dead Biden supporters stole the election,
until you realize it’s possible he might’ve just, like… forgotten it? How do you know?

We’ve got you covered. Take this quiz to find out!

1. Is he taking your mask off with his eyes?


2. Does he look unconcerned while wearing a red baseball cap?


3. Is he maintaining social distancing?


4. Does he refer to women as ‘females’?


5. Does his name have “the Third” or “the Fourth” in it?


6. Has he ever read a book by Ayn Rand and not thought, “gross”?


7. Does he jerk off to stock market reports?


8. Does he use the word “actually” at least once a day?


9. Does he suddenly get very defensive when someone mentions Harry Styles?


10. Was he nowhere to be found on November 7th?


Cornellians Do Not Respect My Conservative Values or My Star Wars Erotic Fan Fiction

Universities should facilitate the free exchange of ideas between all kinds of people. But often I find that the liberal bias on Cornell’s campus represses my ability to openly discuss my conservative viewpoints or the finer details of the dozens of volumes of Star Wars erotic fan fictions I’ve penned.

Last week, as I tried to explain the benefits of traditional marriage, I was drowned out by triggered, politically-correct liberals who labeled me a hypocrite, just because I’ve written extensively on the steamy romance between Obi-Wan Kenobi and Jar Jar Binks on the hot sands of Tatooine after the events of Star Wars Episode III. It is disrespectful for left-wing Cornellians to not have an open, honest conversation on each subject individually.

So-called “progressives” at Cornell are destroying the First Amendment. When I talk about race with liberals, they label my honest opinions as “hate speech” and tell me to stop being “politically incorrect.” The same goes for discussions on my recent piece Star Wars 69: The D Strikes Back. Cornell liberals say it is “grossly offensive and inaccurate” to depict Queen Amidala, with four extra breasts, giving ghost Yoda fellatio on the command bridge of the Second Death Star while Chewbacca jerks off an Ewok in the background. What ever happened to freedom of the press and freedom of speech?

Cornellians across party lines will never agree on every issue, but that’s what democracy is all about. I’ll never convince Democrats to sign on to trickle-down economics. And both Democrats and Republicans will never support my artistic choice to portray Han Solo from Episode VII penetrating Jabba The Hutt penetrating Han Solo from Episode IV. But if our students cannot have an open and respectful conversation about these important topics, the significance of that democracy is lost.