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The Top 10 Things To Do On Campus, Ranked By How Likely They Are To Stay Closed All Semester

ITHACA—As students return to campus for another hybrid semester, many long to reclaim their lost semesters. Whether you’re a wide-eyed freshman trying to craft a public indecency-free bucket list or a dejected senior mourning the inevitable loss of your Catherine Street block party, this list is for you. Here are our top 10 things to do on campus, ranked by how likely they are to stay closed all semester. 

10. Get your biweekly surveillance test. Open all days of the week. Don’t be a dick. 

9. Visit the Harry Potter Library. Also known as the A.D. White Library. Turns out the room is open for reservations, meaning you might actually get a seat this time. 

8. Eat at Establishment. Still open for takeout. You’ll no longer be waited on by your classmates which, depending on the size of your god complex, is either better or worse. 

7. Listen to a chimes concert from the top of the clocktower. The best view you’ll find at Cornell. Now we just have drone footage. 

6. Go bowling at Helen Newman Hall. We’re still holding out hope that the Tuesday night special will make a reappearance, but it’s looking like the only strikes we’ll get will be from the Daily Check. 

5. Dress up for an event at the Johnson Museum of Art. Let’s be honest–it’s not like you would’ve been able to get a ticket anyways.

4. Watch a hockey game. Maybe next year, when there actually is a season. 

3. Get free popcorn at Willard Straight Hall. This one devastates us the most but we’re guessing the money from the popcorn budget went towards contact tracing frat bros. 

2. Go all out for Slope Day. As if Cornell would let a bunch of touch-starved, horny, socially-deprived twenty-somethings mosh together, even outdoors.

1. Take your mandatory swim test. You lucky bastards. 

Oopsies! This Naughty Little Freshman Showed Up To His Swim Test In A Tiny, Tiny Speedo

Darren Stintman “thought” he was just gonna take your regular ol’ garden variety swim test, but when he arrived at Helen-Newman, Darren “realized” he had made a big no-no. He showed up to the swim test in just a tiny, tiny speedo. Nothing else!

Despite repeated pleading from the instructor that Darren go home and change into something appropriate, Darren insisted that he “had made such a silly, silly mistake” and needed to “deal with the repercussion of his little accident.”

“Honestly, this was to be expected,” said the president of the Cornell Kink Club. “Darren has been, and always will be, a very bad boy. In fact, if he accidentally does this one more time, someone’s gonna have to penalize him for being so naughty.”

At the end of the test, the instructor realized that Darren had already passed the swim test, and was just doing this again for some reason. When questioned why, Darren replied that “he felt he didn’t deserve it the first time on account of his naughtiness.”