Get Ready Uncle Gary: ILR Student’s Been Rehearsing Anti-Capitalist Talking Points

BALCH HALL—Arielle Roban, a freshman in the School of Industrial and Labor Relations, has reportedly been rehearsing factoids and witty jabs on the flaws of capitalism ahead of her annual Thanksgiving dinner at the home of her aunt and uncle, Susan and Gary Gates.

Inspired by her Introduction to Labor History course, Roban has been preparing a structured speech and accompanying retorts to publicly call into question her uncle’s well-known and loudly-voiced support for unchecked market forces. From Lord’s Prayer to pumpkin pie, Thanksgiving dinner has been Mr. Gates’ annual soapbox to express his views on the importance of free enterprise and despise of the welfare state.

According to Roban’s roommate, Julianne Simmons ’22, “Ari’s been reciting quips and posing leading questions about the instability of wealth distribution to herself in the mirror every morning for at least the last two weeks. Her whole desk is covered in printed Vox articles and blog posts about the feasibility of Universal Basic Income.”

Asked for his opinion on the pending matchup, Gates seemed confident, offering, “I majored in Anthropology at The Ohio State University, Class of ’84, and I’ve listened to Rush Limbaugh every day for the past 15 years- I am well-prepared to handle my sweet niece’s emerging degree in Applied Liberal Agenda from Snowflake College.”

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