Help! My Girlfriend Is Smarter Than Me And I’m Scared

Dating in college can be tough. Everyone struggles with making time for each other or navigating the ups and downs of a relationship. But it’s especially hard for me, because my girlfriend is a super genius who uses her telekinetic powers to make my life a living hell.

Now, I’m not ashamed to be less smart than my girlfriend. When we started dating, I was proud to support my girlfriend whenever she aced an exam or made a male professor sob by disproving his life’s work. But something changed forever the night we watched Matilda. “Don’t worry, honey, this is just the power of representation in media,” she said as she began to levitate the kitchen knives one by one. My girlfriend had ascended into a truly terrifying being, but who was I to get in the way of a strong, intelligent woman? 

As a male feminist, I know not to speak over women. However, it’s hard for me not to be a little suspicious when my girlfriend tells me “I had nothing to do with the orb of malevolent energy in your room” or “I only melted your brainstem with my psychic beam a little.” Maybe it’s my subconscious biases against powerful women causing me to act this way? Wow, escaping influences of the heteropatriarchy is a task as hard and unending as escaping the extradimensional mind prison my girlfriend just locked me in!

Nowadays my life is spent dodging one psychic threat after another. I fear that in taking the time to write this, I’ve let my guard down too lon–Oh god, not the mind lasers again! I must admit it: I hate to see a girlboss win. 

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