September 1, 2021

Gross! Roommate Has One Of Those Light-Up Incel Keyboards

CLARA DICKSON HALL—As students across campus are feeling more settled in their dorms, many roommates have revealed themselves to be involuntarily celibate via their choice of techware. One of the most telling and most common of these is the sad, and concerningly sticky, rainbow light-up keyboard.

“At first I saw the colors and I thought it meant that he was an LGBT or something,” describes Cayden Knowles ‘25, “But then I saw his anime titty mouse-pad, and then I remembered that he had told me he was in the engineering school… and I started putting the pieces together, and the puzzle I created was a sick portrait of a deeply disturbed individual.”

However, identifying that your roommate is an incel is not always this easy. Oftentimes cues can be overlooked as just “guy talk,” as Blain Fergouson ‘25 explains, “My roommate kept throwing around the word ‘femoid,’ and I thought it was just another way to degrade women, but it turns out he wasn’t getting tail while he was doing it. Like, dude, just keep those thoughts in your head like the rest of us and you’ll get some.”

Concerned and disgusted students will be happy to hear that Cornell will be adding a “favorite movie” question on its application in future years, blacklisting “Taxi Driver,” “American Psycho,” “Joker,” or other Incel-ian films for all male applicants.

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