Tag Archives: Ithaca

False Advertising? Farmers at Farmers’ Market Not Available for Purchase

Like many Cornellians, I enjoy a home-cooked meal but can feel uncomfortable about where my ingredients originate. Sure, the big displays at Aldi and Wegmans are cornucopias spilling with fresh produce, but where did they come from and how did they get here? While pondering these questions on a drive to the latter, my eyes caught a glimpse of a heaven-sent sign on the roadside: “Ithaca Farmers’ Market,” with an arrow pointing to the right!

What luck! The brilliant Ithaca natives had once again developed a brilliant answer to a pressing question with this new way of knowing how your food is grown. Instead of needing to buy groceries, I could simply buy a farmer to grow my foods right near my home! I was immediately persuaded and veered sharply to the right to purchase a farmer of my own.

Upon entering, it was clear fellow Ithacans understood the utility of this new dynamic. The covered boardwalk teemed with visitors, all in search of the same elusive farmer perfect for developing the first half of a fresh meal. And oh, how those farmers beckoned. In this, the harvest season, they were abundant and plump, with many attempting to woo the most trustworthy customers for an adoption. I traversed the lane with a careful and guarded eye.

After a harrowing transit through the throngs, I finally saw him: the perfect specimen. A broad, burly man with a well-trimmed graying beard and a gleaming bald head, he cut a distinctive image—even across the crowd I could make out his features. His presentation suggested both power and determination and yet fine attention to detail, which was only enhanced by the tidy broccoli crowns assiduously arranged on the cart in front of him. I hastily cut across the market lest anyone steal defeat from the jaws of victory.

As I approached, a faint smile touched the corners of his lips. Could he already tell I was his proper proprietor? He sported a nametag on his left lapel that read Carl.

“This broccoli looks lovely, Carl,” I said, careful to make a good impression. “I would love to have some… close to home.”

He replied with a polite and well-oiled discussion of his current rates; I bobbed my head along but ultimately shook it after he fell quiet. “Of course, of course,” I said, “but can you grow other vegetables too? Peppers, for instance, and maybe some zucchini? And what about berries—any livestock? I plan to enjoy a balanced and healthy diet—if you’re to work for me, I’ll need to know you’re up to the task. Have no fears about lodging; I possess a fine kennel for you to sleep in. Should we discuss a payment plan now?”

From his apparent bewilderment, I worried I had startled him. And then worse: his once-inviting complexion began to oscillate between horror and disgust. “I’ll be right with you, sir,” he offered before swiftly walking to a hidden location.

Had I come on too strong? Would a less direct approach have been more effective? I began to replay the encounter in my head, looking for places I had erred, when I became aware of Carl again, this time at a distance through the crowd. He was flanked by two uniformed police officers as he pointed towards his cart—no, at me! I bolted for the nearest exit and ran through the winding parking lot, desperate to escape with my freedom.

Tragically, the Farmers’ Market failed to meet my lofty expectations of a revolutionized agriculture and consumer experience. All that hoopla, and for what—some $10 squash in a carton? Despite this apparent absurdity, Carl’s reaction laid bare that in spite of the name, the farmers are not for sale. I can only hope that the upcoming flea market will not disappoint me in the same way.

“I’ll Totally Be There!” and 5 Other Ways to Say “No” to Your Friend’s A Capella Concert

KLARMAN HALL— With the upcoming onslaught of finals and never-ending last minute assignments, when your friend hits you with  “My a capella group is having a concert this weekend, you’re definitely coming through, right?” the most immediate and resounding internal response is a shrieking, guttural “Dear God, no.” 

So how do you, unsuspecting and innocent, navigate your way out of this awful-hellscape and into any other Friday night activities? There are a few ways out of this fate, should you brave the course:

1. “I’ll totally be there!” 

It is, of course, always a safe move to just lie to them. It’s definitely not like they will have a check in at the auditorium on the night of the concert, and even if they did, who gives a shit? Definitely not your friend.

2. “Oh no! I have something that night 🙁 ” 

A classic excuse, the “I’m busy.” This is without a doubt a surefire way to get yourself right on out of there, and right into some stinky frat basement. Pepper in the frowny face for some extra flavor, and kiss that sweet, sweet music goodbye. 

3. “I’ll definitely let you know.” 

Ah yes, delay the inevitable. If you put off telling your friend whether you can make it to their concert or not, word on the street is, the concert will eventually happen. Feel free to leave your friend in limbo for all eternity, and just like that, you’re out clean!

4. “Yes!” 

This one is a good bet if you’re looking for simplicity. A lie with no strings attached, a simple agreement can save you further conversation in the present, and you need only offer a confusion of dates in the aftermath. 

5. “Maybe” 

Again, an in-between place is a very nice place to start. Definitely hit your friend with that maybe, and then never, ever clarify your presence. It’s best, really, this state of confusion一no one gets hurt. 

6. “My other friend actually has a concert that night too” 

Ah yes, an a capella salvation. What can save you except the hell you have been damned to in the first place. If you cannot go to their concert, it must only be because you have another dear friend to support. Just like that you are saved, and you are glorious. 

Aww! Three Generations of Cornellians Come Together to Psychologically Abuse the Shit out of BU Hockey Team

Nothing says Thanksgiving like joining friends, parents, and grandparents for a wholesome night of pure, unfiltered bullying! This evening Lynah Faithful will flock to Madison Square Garden to inflict permanent psychological damage upon the Boston University hockey team—a demonstration of the Cornell community’s admirable closeness and warmth. 

“I look forward to bringing my family every year,” beamed alum Larry Walker ‘92. “There’s just something so beautiful about 1000 Cornellians, old and young, chanting in choir-like unison to inform the opposing goalie of his profound resemblance to Squidward, President Pollack, and the Low Rise 7 goblin-rat.”

Just in case verbal assault doesn’t do the trick, Cornellians have prop-packs prepared to remind the Massachusetts safety school of its place. Among the included items are newspapers (to read while BU is being announced, and to chuck at adjacent BU fans afterward); keys (to signal BU that they may warm up their bus, as their asses have been sufficiently whooped); and plush terriers on stakes (to light on fire for maximum PTSD).

“It’ll be my grandchildren’s first hockey game,” said alum Beatrice Appel ‘67. “They’re so excited to burn the terriers, behead the terriers, and throw the terriers’ charred remains onto the ice!”

At press time, it was still uncertain whether Appel’s grandchildren, aged 3 and 4, were referring to the team members or the plushies—or whether it mattered.

Doing Her Part: Student Who Doesn’t Want Biden To Be Nominee Almost Gets Around To Requesting Absentee Ballot

While some students may not care enough to engage in politics, Maya Pappas ’21 decided to fight for the country’s future by thinking about looking up how to get an absentee ballot sent to Ithaca.

“I’m no hero,” said the champion of democracy. “It’s just so obvious to me that Biden’s visibly deteriorating mental state and uninspiring civility-oriented pitch will make him all too easy for Trump to beat. I have a responsibility to tell myself I’ll figure out how to vote, before ultimately neglecting to do so.”

What an inspiration! As you’d expect, none of Maya’s friend’s were surprised at her brave probably upcoming stand. “She’s always the one to talk about politics and how terrible it would be if Biden won the primary,” said her friend Chris O’Shaughnessy ’21. “Of course she was the one who came the closest of any of us to voting.”

And don’t think this is the end of Maya’s activism: she already has big plans to complain a lot about how Biden managed to win the nomination with almost no support from young people after the primary is over.

Game Changer: Bus Stop Bagels Achieves Perfect Bagel to Bus Stop Ratio

Cornell Dining continues to tower above the rest, as evidenced by their most recent feat. Bus Stop Bagels, located in Kennedy Hall, has done what no other eatery has managed to do: achieve the most exquisite bagel to bus stop ratio.

Good job, Bus Stop Bagels! That’s quite a schmear! 

“Bus Stop Bagel has many bagels, and only one bus stop,” says employee Darrell Reynolds ‘20. “That’s exactly how many bus stops you need. One thick, doughy, delicious bus stop for all of your bagel needs.” 

You said it, Darrell! Me likey!

Bus Stop Bagels offers delectable selections such as poppy seed, cinnamon raisin, and even pumpernickel (for all of those adventurous dark bagel connoisseurs). But they also offer one singular bus stop, flavored like a bus stop, which is the perfect number of bus stops.

That’s a spicy meat-a-ball!

Students across campus appreciate the effort Cornell put in to develop this mathematically perfect ratio. “One time, I ate three bagels and then took the one bus. I nutted my pants,” stated Kenneth Fuchs ‘18.

Sweet chimichangas, Batman! I can’t wait to dig into those bagels and take that bus. Choo Choo!

Celebrate Black History Month at Cornell with Your Favorite Black Friends

It’s February, so that means it’s time to celebrate Black History Month! We all know about Martin Luther King Jr. and Harriet Tubman, so let’s take this opportunity to reflect on all of the meaningful connections you have made with your black friends, emphasis on the “s!”  What a good person you are! Without further ado, here’s a tribute to your favorite Black People™ at Cornell:


Here’s Cynthia!  Remember her? You walked over her while she lying down in protest in Willard Straight Hall. While you’re not sure why she’s so angry all the time, she certainly has some spunk! This one’s for you, Cynthia!


Johnny sat in from of you in chemistry last year, and you liked his Facebook post about racism on campus. Good for you, bud!

That One Group of African Students

African students are an important part of the Cornell community and they deserve some recognition too! You don’t actually know any them but maybe you can ask them to give you some African lessons!


Don’t forget about Kahlil! He invited you to a Alpha Phi Alpha party and you managed to last five minutes without clutching your wallet and crying! He also taught you to dab without embarrassing yourself! Yay Kahlil!


Imani over there is the only person of color in your sorority, who thankfully fulfills your chapter’s diversity quota. One of these days you might even have a substantive conversation with her. Baby steps!


You haven’t even seen Isaiah in person, but you have a friend who’s friends with him, so that counts too, right? Score one for diversity!


While Luis is Dominican, you’re still unsure whether he’s black or not. Regardless, you don’t speak Spanish, so you’ll probably never find out anyway. Three cheers to you, Luis!

Wow! With so many African American friends, the possibilities for celebrating Black History Month at Cornell are endless!

Heartwarming: Ithaca Will Accept 50 Syrian Refugees and Steve from Cortland

Sometimes, a community comes together to make the world a better place. And that’s exactly what our inspiring little City on the Hill did when it was recently approved to accept 50 refugees, and also this guy Steve Schweitzer from Cortland.



“We hope that we’ve made a positive impact on the lives of these refugees, and that they will in turn help our community grow. And I hear Steve is pretty cool dude too. He does construction management or something like that,” said Ithaca Mayor Svante Myrick.

Wow! We are so lucky to live in a progressive city with a Mayor dedicated to helping people across the world in need, even if one those people was doing fine beforehand but “just wanted to change things up, ya know?” by moving to Ithaca.

Many of the refugees come from war-torn cities and had to live in dangerous conditions before they were allowed to come to the US, and while Cortland is actually a fine town, Steve will probably like The Commons and Ithaca’s breathtaking gorges over wherever he would hang out there.

Wow. What an inspiring story!

This Ithaca Barber Gave Me a Circumcision When I Asked for “a Bit Off the Top,” But He Did a Pretty Good Job

Ithaca barbers aren’t well known for their quality. I don’t know a single person who’s gotten a decent haircut anywhere close to campus. And I’m no exception, because when I asked a barber in Collegetown to take a bit off the top, he circumcised me. Now, normally, I would complain, but he actually did a pretty good job.

I’ll admit, when this guy, a licensed cosmetologist, didn’t start cutting the hair on my head immediately, I got worried, but I wasn’t about to question the guy with scissors pointed at my junk. And good thing too, because I got a lovely circumcision! Well worth the $15.

I never realized how much of a burden foreskin truly was until that incompetent Ithaca haircutter astronomically screwed up his very job description. It’s probably better that he didn’t touch my head in the first place though, because any number he could do on my regular hair would pale in comparison to the immaculate sculpture he has made my shlong. Kudos.

My bangs are still too long, which is a bummer, and it always gets all knotted and tangled, so I’ll probably need to get a real haircut soon. But for now I’m living the high life with a circumcision that will make all my Jewish friends jealous!

Devastating: Mufasa Was Trampled to Death in a Stampede Of Freshman

Disaster struck Ithaca this Friday night, when it was reported that Mufasa, King of Pride Rock, passed away from injuries sustained after being trampled by dozens of drunk freshmen in Collegetown.

In a statement yesterday, Ithaca Police stated that Mufasa was hunting for food for his family on College Ave around 10:30 pm on Friday, when nearly seventy intoxicated freshmen exited a TCAT and ran in all directions in pursuit of the free alcohol and parties now accessible with their first taste of undergraduate freedom. By the time Mufasa could react, police claim, there was “nowhere to run.”

While Ithaca police continue to investigate the crime, university and city officials, students, and celebrities tweeted out their condolences and asked that everyone around the world honor Mufasa’s great legacy and memory:

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Cornellians of all creeds, colors, and species are together in mourning, but also in celebration of the inspiring life led by Ithaca’s most beloved cartoon jungle beast. We hope you and Walt Disney catch all the gazelle you desire up there in heaven.