Tag Archives: satire

No Sex on Thursday: My Mom and I Watched Them Pick the Wrong House on House Hunters International And Then I Went to Bed at 9PM

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By Miley Mortgage

I know you sexually frustrated quarintiners probably want me to tell you some empowering story about me letting go of my insecurities while getting my pussy stuffed by three strangers in the clocktower. Maybe you’d like to read a feel-good tale of how I finally taught Jake the difference between the urethra and the clitoris. But this week, all I have is a very unerotic story about a completely mundane weeknight where I lounged on the couch in sweatpants and watched HGTV with my mom.

To be clear, there will be absolutely nothing sensual, salacious, or even mildly titillating in this article henceforth. No one would blame you for turning around at this point.

With that disclaimer out of the way let me just tell you something: These people on House Hunters International had NO BUSINESS moving to Prague whatsoever. First of all, only one of them had a job (he was a footwear model), and neither of them spoke any Czech. That might be an issue don’t you think? Also, this guy was dead set on living out in the country, while she refused to even consider a property outside the city center. Why didn’t they decide on that before they went on the show?! At the same time, they had this enormous wish list of items and a budget of only €250 per month. I definitely don’t think they needed three bedrooms or a personal office space. Then, when the realtor would show them properties they could actually afford that didn’t have some of the things they were asking for, they had the audacity to get mad at her. Madness!

I tried raising some of these concerns to my mom, but she wasn’t paying attention because she was on her phone sending me pinterest posts of “fun diy crafts” we should “totally make together” during isolation.

Finally the episode was about to end. They were about to choose between three properties: 1) The downtown studio that was over their budget and located directly over a noisy nightclub with no working washer and dryer 2) The fully finished suburban loft in their price range with two bedrooms and an outdoor patio space located minutes from the train station (obviously the correct choice) 3) The over budget fixer-upper 35 minutes from town with three bedrooms but no central heating system. The morons went with number three. 

Right after the couple made their questionable selection, the show fast forwarded to six months later, after they had already moved in. Unsurprisingly, there were still renovations going on. I guess the extra bedroom wasn’t such a bad idea after all though, because they had added a roommate up into the mix. The guy’s parents had moved in with them, which given current events probably didn’t turn out too well for him.

After the show was over, I downed a whole bottle of wine and promptly passed out in my bed at 9pm. This is the end of the article.

Inspiring! Sorority Elects All-Female Eboard

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Sisters of Kappa Nu Kappa were blown away last Sunday by the amazing news that every single spot on their next eboard will be taken by a woman.

“I was in shock when I realized,” said new Vice President Wendy Lennon ‘20. “None of us noticed until we all sat down for an eboard meeting, and then we all were like…wait a minute…our sorority eboard has no men???”

Yes, ladies! Take down the patriarchy!

The sorority reached out to the Panhellenic Council to find out if this is the first all-female sorority eboard in history, and Council President Cindy Sweeney ‘20 was floored by the news. “No men? Not even the President? What?! But how does it work?”

Um, girl power, Cindy! That’s how!

Marie-Anne Conner ‘22, a member of the sorority, explained: “We just chose the most qualified candidates, without thinking about gender as a factor. I know it sounds like a miracle, but it really did happen. Against all odds, the eboard of our sorority is 100% women.” You go, girls!

If you’re worried that KNK’s new eboard might waste this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, don’t be: they’ve already jumped into action and sent a strongly-worded letter to a nearby fraternity with an all-male eboard.

Celebrate Black History Month at Cornell with Your Favorite Black Friends

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It’s February, so that means it’s time to celebrate Black History Month! We all know about Martin Luther King Jr. and Harriet Tubman, so let’s take this opportunity to reflect on all of the meaningful connections you have made with your black friends, emphasis on the “s!”  What a good person you are! Without further ado, here’s a tribute to your favorite Black People™ at Cornell:

Cynthia

Here’s Cynthia!  Remember her? You walked over her while she lying down in protest in Willard Straight Hall. While you’re not sure why she’s so angry all the time, she certainly has some spunk! This one’s for you, Cynthia!

Johnny

Johnny sat in from of you in chemistry last year, and you liked his Facebook post about racism on campus. Good for you, bud!

That One Group of African Students

African students are an important part of the Cornell community and they deserve some recognition too! You don’t actually know any them but maybe you can ask them to give you some African lessons!

Kahlil

Don’t forget about Kahlil! He invited you to a Alpha Phi Alpha party and you managed to last five minutes without clutching your wallet and crying! He also taught you to dab without embarrassing yourself! Yay Kahlil!

Imani

Imani over there is the only person of color in your sorority, who thankfully fulfills your chapter’s diversity quota. One of these days you might even have a substantive conversation with her. Baby steps!

Isaiah

You haven’t even seen Isaiah in person, but you have a friend who’s friends with him, so that counts too, right? Score one for diversity!

Luis

While Luis is Dominican, you’re still unsure whether he’s black or not. Regardless, you don’t speak Spanish, so you’ll probably never find out anyway. Three cheers to you, Luis!

Wow! With so many African American friends, the possibilities for celebrating Black History Month at Cornell are endless!

Worship On Thursdays: My Intimate Night With the Holy Spirit

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It was last weekend when he came to me. I was sitting in my dorm late Saturday night, once again alone and lusting for something more.

He appeared right as I was falling asleep. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw the booklet of gospel hymns that was thrust towards me on Ho Plaza the week before. It was as if he was calling to me.

I turned the page and immediately felt the rush of my lord all over me. From singing “I’ll Fly Away” to “Amazing Grace,” he continuously entered my soul until I was completely out of breath.

Lying on my bed, as sweat dripped down my face, I thought I’d had enough. But I needed more. I rummaged through my belongings to find the Bible my grandma threw in my suitcase before I left home.

I never would have thought that I’d be able to last so long; it was only my first time. But we went on, verse after verse, until the sun began to rise.

Finally, it was his time to go. I sent him off on my knees, reciting his prayers, gleefully waiting until we would meet again.

QUIZ: Is Your Immune System Adult Enough to Handle the Changing Seasons, Or Will You Infect Us All with the Flu?

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It’s that time of year again! The leaves are changing, the temperatures are dropping, the prelims are stressing, and the sneezes are sneezing. Is your immune system adult enough to handle the changing seasons or are you going to be the weak bastard who infects us all?

1. Tonight’s forecast is a low of 38ºF. How will your immune system react?

 
 
 
 

2. Someone just sneezed! What do you do?

 
 
 
 

3. Your upcoming prelim is totally stressing you out. How do you deal with it?

 
 
 
 

4. There’s no soap left in the restroom soap dispenser. What do you do?

 
 
 
 

5. You just got invited to a wine tour this weekend, but it’s going to be a high of 55ºF and rainy. Do you attend?

 
 
 
 

6. Oh shit, your roommate is sick! What now?

 
 
 
 

Question 1 of 6

Sex on Thursdays: How to Make His Head Literally Explode

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Blowjobs can be pretty confusing to navigate! Recently, the Daily Sun published an article called “How to Give Mind-Blowing Head,” but we all know sometimes that’s just not enough. Get ready to learn how to make his head literally explode:

  1. Alternate between gliding your tongue and really sucking that dick. If you get lost, remember it’s like bobbing for apples.
  2. Don’t forget to make eye contact! It’ll drive him wild.
  3. Okay, now it’s time to get to business!
  4. Roll up your sleeves and put those safety goggles on. If you have long hair, tie it back.
  5. Measure out 709.76 mL of acetic acid in a plastic bottle and 32 grams of NaHCO₃.
  6. Finger in the butthole. This doesn’t help in any way, but it’s fun to do. If you’ve always wanted to do it, now would be the time.
  7. Using a funnel, carefully pour the NaHCO₃ into the liquid. You should observe an immediate chemical reaction.
  8. Cap the bottle tightly.
  9. Quick! Step back!
  10. Now watch, you sexy thing, as you make his head literally explode.

Hopefully you can use these tips to spice things up in the bedroom!

Heartwarming: Ithaca Will Accept 50 Syrian Refugees and Steve from Cortland

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Sometimes, a community comes together to make the world a better place. And that’s exactly what our inspiring little City on the Hill did when it was recently approved to accept 50 refugees, and also this guy Steve Schweitzer from Cortland.

Beautiful!

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“We hope that we’ve made a positive impact on the lives of these refugees, and that they will in turn help our community grow. And I hear Steve is pretty cool dude too. He does construction management or something like that,” said Ithaca Mayor Svante Myrick.

Wow! We are so lucky to live in a progressive city with a Mayor dedicated to helping people across the world in need, even if one those people was doing fine beforehand but “just wanted to change things up, ya know?” by moving to Ithaca.

Many of the refugees come from war-torn cities and had to live in dangerous conditions before they were allowed to come to the US, and while Cortland is actually a fine town, Steve will probably like The Commons and Ithaca’s breathtaking gorges over wherever he would hang out there.

Wow. What an inspiring story!

I Understand That College Applications are Evaluated Holistically, But Can Someone Tell Me Whose Dick I Have To Suck To Get My Son Into Cornell?

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Hey guys. I’m just a father trying to get my son into Cornell University, and yeah, I’ve heard the whole shpiel. “All applications are evaluated holistically…” and blah blah blah, but give me a break. What I really wanna know is, whose dick I have to suck to get my son admitted to this prestigious university?

I get that the admission of my son, Kip, will be decided on the quality of not just his GPA but also his extracurriculars, college essay, and overall achievements, but I think the quality of the seduction techniques used to get Cornell’s Head of Admissions into my bed will factor a bit more into the decision.

I’ve been told by plenty of people that if Kip is a passionate, talented student, his application will speak for itself, but I think the lack of me speaking due to a Cornell official’s penis being in my mouth would be far more effective.

I know what you’re thinking. A dad offering to suck people off for his son’s higher education? That’s pretty strange, but goddamnit, I will blow every single living human being in Day Hall if it gets my son one step closer to spending the next four years of his life in Ithaca.

This Ithaca Barber Gave Me a Circumcision When I Asked for “a Bit Off the Top,” But He Did a Pretty Good Job

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Ithaca barbers aren’t well known for their quality. I don’t know a single person who’s gotten a decent haircut anywhere close to campus. And I’m no exception, because when I asked a barber in Collegetown to take a bit off the top, he circumcised me. Now, normally, I would complain, but he actually did a pretty good job.

I’ll admit, when this guy, a licensed cosmetologist, didn’t start cutting the hair on my head immediately, I got worried, but I wasn’t about to question the guy with scissors pointed at my junk. And good thing too, because I got a lovely circumcision! Well worth the $15.

I never realized how much of a burden foreskin truly was until that incompetent Ithaca haircutter astronomically screwed up his very job description. It’s probably better that he didn’t touch my head in the first place though, because any number he could do on my regular hair would pale in comparison to the immaculate sculpture he has made my shlong. Kudos.

My bangs are still too long, which is a bummer, and it always gets all knotted and tangled, so I’ll probably need to get a real haircut soon. But for now I’m living the high life with a circumcision that will make all my Jewish friends jealous!