In light of the growing number of COVID cases and the approaching holiday season, hoards of infected students have returned home to their families to celebrate the Thanksgiving holiday like it was originally celebrated: with the spreading of potentially lethal infectious diseases.
“Lately I’ve been trying to become more in touch with my colonizer roots,” said local conqueror Margaret Coughlin ‘23. “Plus I’m really amped to get into the true American spirit of things this holiday season, which is why I plan on travelling by ship and spitting, licking, and shitting on every possible surface in a once safe environment as a means of spreading all of my germs without the consent of any residents.” Superspreader legend!
Some students like Coughlin are just thrilled to spread their way cross country, while others are equally as eager to reconnect with distant and definitely ancient family members.
“It’s only once a year that I get to come home to my Mee-Maw, Pee-Paw, and all the other immunocompromised relatives and give each and every single one of them a wet kiss on the lips,” said area conquistador Jack Cortez ‘22. “Watching them all come down with the virus in 3-14 days will be just like experiencing the 1600s in real time; I’m even considering plotting a crop of corn on indigenous land.” Blast from the past!
While many disease-ridden students went home, the infected who cautiously stayed in the Ithaca area were sure to express ship hand-crafted blankets to contaminate their families back home.
LONG ISLAND—Local student Colin Roban ’22 is reportedly preparing to inform his family that he is gay during the annual Thanksgiving dinner held at the home of his aunt and uncle, Susan and Gary Gates.
Having explored and confirmed his sexuality while at Cornell, Roban expressed that he felt it was important to announce his sexual orientation to his loved ones. The emotional coming out could be made all the more difficult given its close proximity to Uncle Gary’s scheduled Thanksgiving prayer, the annual tirade renowned for its off-color social commentary and vehement support of ultra-conservative values.
Informed of her nephew’s intentions beforehand, Aunt Susan lamented “Oh dear God, I read over Gary’s prayer script last night and he has a whole lot of questionable Mayor Pete content in there. This’ll be more uncomfortable than last year when he recited the entire Constitution in his prayer after Colin’s sister mentioned Bernie Sanders.”
According to Mr. Gates, “My annual Thanksgiving prayer is a show of commitment to my three chief amigos- Jesus Christ, Rush Limbaugh, and Donald Trump. Each fall, when the kids come back home from the Snowflake Academy, it’s up to me to make sure they hear the unfiltered lib-free truth for once.”
As of press time, Aunt Susan was seen frantically stirring street ketamine into Mr. Gates’ drink after learning that Roban would be bringing his boyfriend of four months to the dinner.
So you’ve decided to take a phone break after 30 minutes of excruciating quality time with your aunts and uncles. We don’t blame you.
We’re sure you’ve heard enough about how big you’ve gotten since five years ago and how Cornell is “one of those liberal safe space campuses.” You’ve survived the arrival of family members, and the kiss from grandma that was somehow wet and dry at the same time, but your excuses for avoiding conversation are running thin. Well, fear not! We’ve constructed the perfect article for you to avoid conversing with your family for at least the next ten minutes.
You’re going to want to start by reading this sentence here. This is a different sentence. Really pretend to focus on these sentences. At this point, try nodding your head to show you’re really interested in what this article is saying, and that you intend to read more of it. Don’t act too interested though, or someone might ask about it. Keep reading. Keep reading. Keep reading, keep—for the love of god don’t look up or they’ll talk to you keep reading.
Here is that one white people Thanksgiving picture. This will reassure anyone peeking at your screen that this is just a boring article about Thanksgiving. It has nothing to do with politics or sports, so any attempt at conversation based on your screen will stop dead in its tracks.
While we’re at it, let’s supplement that photo with some fun Thanksgiving facts. Did you know that the first day of Thanksgiving was declared by the Plymouth Colony to atone for the killing of 700 members of the Pequot tribe? Probably shouldn’t mention that one to your family unless you want to start an argument that will end up being about NFL players kneeling, for some reason.
To avert another racially charged debate with Uncle Jim, give this one a try: “Did you know that the first NFL game on Thanksgiving day was played in 1920?” That’s uninteresting enough not to warrant a follow-up, so you can get back to avoiding.
So how long has it been? 5 minutes? 10 minutes? If you need more time, feel free to scroll up to the top and repeat, or just lock yourself in a closet until November 23rd.