November 27, 2019

Get Ready Uncle Gary: Area Student Planning to Deliver Coming Out Speech Right Before Your Thanksgiving Prayer

LONG ISLAND—Local student Colin Roban ’22 is reportedly preparing to inform his family that he is gay during the annual Thanksgiving dinner held at the home of his aunt and uncle, Susan and Gary Gates.

Having explored and confirmed his sexuality while at Cornell, Roban expressed that he felt it was important to announce his sexual orientation to his loved ones. The emotional coming out could be made all the more difficult given its close proximity to Uncle Gary’s scheduled Thanksgiving prayer, the annual tirade renowned for its off-color social commentary and vehement support of ultra-conservative values.  

Informed of her nephew’s intentions beforehand, Aunt Susan lamented “Oh dear God, I read over Gary’s prayer script last night and he has a whole lot of questionable Mayor Pete content in there. This’ll be more uncomfortable than last year when he recited the entire Constitution in his prayer after Colin’s sister mentioned Bernie Sanders.” 

According to Mr. Gates, “My annual Thanksgiving prayer is a show of commitment to my three chief amigos- Jesus Christ, Rush Limbaugh, and Donald Trump. Each fall, when the kids come back home from the Snowflake Academy, it’s up to me to make sure they hear the unfiltered lib-free truth for once.” 

As of press time, Aunt Susan was seen frantically stirring street ketamine into Mr. Gates’ drink after learning that Roban would be bringing his boyfriend of four months to the dinner. 

 

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