September 2018
Feminist Win! “Daddy Better Make Me Choke” Will Be Screamed Within Spitting Distance Of Ezra Cornell’s Grave
In a historic accomplishment for women everywhere, lyrics from Cupcakke’s hit single “Deepthroat” will be blared through massive speakers just a stone’s throw away from the decaying corpse of Ezra Cornell. MAJOR Victory! Who could predict that after only 150 years since the Quaker-turned-carpenter founded Cornell, Ezra’s cold, dead body would be within arms-reach of…
Mental Health Win! Cornell Adds Three More Counselors To Serve Population of 23,000
After years of complaints, it looks like Cornell may finally be listening to the student body. Today the university announced they will be adding not one, not even two, but THREE full-time counselors for Cornell’s 23,000 undergraduate, graduate, and professional students! These aren’t just any counselors they’re hiring, either. All three counselors are incredibly well-qualified…
The Results of CU Nooz’s Month-Long Investigation: Does Cornell Care
Does Cornell care? No.