November 5, 2019

How To Spin Underground Greeklife as a “Secret Society” to Your Parents

Alright people, it’s time to get real. We all know university recognized greek life is not much longer for this campus. Martha’s practically salivating at all that prime real estate tucked away in those beautiful mansions, and is just itching for the moment when greek alumni donations tip below the point of being worth it. While sororities and fraternities that own their houses might be able to weather the storm, it may be tough to sell your parents on the idea of paying for your good old-fashioned unregulated bool.

As such, we’ve put together a few helpful tips and tricks for getting the old rents on board, because nothing sounds more elite than a “Secret Society!” Hopefully they might help you land a bid with only the cleanest annexes and freshest overpriced Collegetown parking spots!

1) Pretend you’re on the executive board for the “Inter-Secret-Society-Council”

There’s nothing parents like more than having their kids bossing other kids around! With the IFC executive board on the death spiral, there’s a growing need for a fresh group of power-tripping sociopaths to push their weight on all the upcoming secret societies. That’s where you can come in and claim that you’re the president of the newly established Inter-Secret-Society-Council. Now you can wow your parents with all of the accompanying responsibilities! Tell them how exhausting it is to constantly be telling everyone your opinion on matters, and mom and pop will barely glance over how poor of a job you’re doing. After all, virtue signaling is hard work! Congratulations, Mr. President!

2) Propose a freeze on official communication with them until they get on board

Yes! Use that strong arm! Our parents live for our texts and calls throughout the week, because whether you’re the first of a long line of siblings or the last, they really do miss us. Which is why it’s imperative to consider the power we wield in changing how our parents see Secret Societies. So give them a list of demands with the silent treatment, and soon enough you’ll be free to join your Secret Society! Just make sure to not message them if you need an update to the BRBs account… or stuff from home… or reassurance… or just general communication… Actually, it may be pretty hard to enforce and maintain this… But it sure does sound scary

3) Remind Them of All The Important Connections You Will Make

Underground Frats and Secret Societies both give members access to a new bastion of social capital. Mom and dad may be worried that unrecognized greek life seems sketchy and dangerous, but when you remind them of the kind of high caliber individuals you will be associating with, all those worries will dissipate. Greek Life has produced many influential leaders in society. Even though your new member initiation processes may not be sanctioned by the University, your parents can be rest assured that you will be hazing pledges to your heart’s content alongside future business leaders, scientists, and even supreme court justices. Just like the Skull and Crossbones Society, your underground frat will keep you in the good graces of powerful interests for the rest of your life. 

4) Remind them how much of a pathetic virgin loser you’d be without it

Frats? Out. Secret Societies? In! So very in! If you want to hang out with the hottest crews on campus, you gotta get in with the chillest hooded-cloak-wearing shadow organizations. How else will you get access to candle-lit soirees in the McGraw clocktower where your society members sacrifice a goat or something? What else will you do with your time, study? Make friends with people that aren’t in a narrowly confined subset? Engage in clubs and opportunities in and around Cornell? Besides, I hear that Sphinx’s Mask is throwing down in the Ithaca

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