It’s that time of year again. Moms from all over the country are texting their children, asking to “chat about summer plans.” We at Nooz have utmost sympathy for the plight of affected students, which is why we’ve compiled this guide on how to hop on the phone and politely let your mom know that despite having every ability to spend more time with your family this summer for free, you would rather pay money to live somewhere else and have absolutely nothing to do with them.
First, plant the seed. Soften the blow and delay because you’re a little bitch that needs an internet tutorial on how to communicate with your closest family. Casually mention to your mom that the smart friend she always compares you to is getting an apartment for their remote internship: “My friend Jeremy, you know Jeremy, right?” you’ll ask her (she knows Jeremy, and is wondering why he didn’t drop CS for InfoSci because it was “too stressful” like you did), “well, he told me all about how he’s doing online off-sight.” Explain how online off-sight (we’re branding this summer excursion) is preferable to returning to your navy blue bedroom with a closet full of playbills from a middle school production. You would hate to drop Zoom calls because of everyone using the WIFI. Your super professional bosses at your mediocre startup that grudgingly accepted you as severely underpaid labor will blow a gasket if they hear the Disposall in the background. You can’t be productive if your younger sibling is going to be doing something that isn’t actually a big deal but you have to act like it is. Try not to bring up the absolutely rancid and oppressive vibes of your childhood home.
Next, pick a place, and do your research. Think of the announcement call as a pop quiz, but instead of risking a score of 13% in a class you’re going to switch to S/U at the last moment anyway, you’re risking the full force of weaponized guilt. Rebrand “Oh dear god anywhere but home, anywhere but that godforsaken place,” into “the Bay Area offers me an incredible opportunity to work on improving my skills at sitting in a car.” Know the housing prices, memorize the attractions, and make up at least 3 close friends that live in the area. “But what if something happens, like you need to buy a mattress or you break your ankle or you get drawn into the seedy underbelly of crime in the big city after making one mistake and scrambling to cover your tracks and protect your bright future?” your mother will likely ask. Easy—Jenny’s parents will help out! They’ve got a flatbed truck! Jenny doesn’t have to exist, but there’s no harm in creating extremely detailed fake Instagram, Facebook, and Tiktok accounts for her and her closest friends to assuage the fears of the tech-savvy parent.
Lastly, reassure her that you’ll still visit your family. Get specific with dates. “We get a 4-day weekend for the 4th of July,” you might tell her as she quietly sobs on the line. It’s easy to worm your way out of this later. Simply arrive late, spend a single day absolutely trashed, duck out to meet up with “Cornell friends” the next day, and depart early the next morning.
That’s all you need to do! It might take a little while for her to accept it, but if worst comes to worst, you can always hire a body double, pay for their extensive plastic surgery, and prepare them to infiltrate your family and take your place. Anything to avoid having a mature conversation!
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