It’s time, once again, for the Ivy League blowhards of the world to announce how utterly honored they are to have been accepted into various summer internships in fields that range from “making rich people richer” to “making poor people poorer” to the occasional “making poor people marginally richer on risky investments in service of making a corporation a whole richer.”
And as they publicly post their internship plans, laying out their self dignity on the altar of capitalism like Abraham did his son, it is your privilege—nay, your sacred duty—to make them pay, emotionally. Time is of the essence: you have to make sure to get in fast while they still have a soul left to wound. Sure, they’re your friends, but they’re also really annoying. So here’s how to neg them like you’re a pickup artist who’s spent the whole week watching questionable Youtube dating advice videos and they’re an unsuspecting girl trying to enjoy her drink at the bar.
- So glad you pushed through and didn’t let all the rejections get you down! This one is classic—remind them of their failures and emotionally drag them back into the deep pit of despair that is an inbox full of “we regret to inform you” emails. While you might seem to be praising their resilience, you’ve just told them, and the world, that although they may have a great opportunity right now, they’re still a big fat reject in your mind.
- Ignore what anyone might say about working for your dad! I think devoting your time to your family businesses is noble. Too many exclamation points can make this one sound insincere, so you’ve really got to nail the punctuation game. They’re sure to be sensitive about getting a job from their family, so take advantage of the sore spot. In this case, we’re not trying to twist the knife—more like an icepick jab at an open wound.
- You’re so brave to post about your new internship while so many of your peers struggle to find employment <3 prioritize yourself, girlboss! In the case that your friend still has some semblance of a moral compass left, make sure to exploit that. She’s probably already feeling a little guilty, and it’s your job to let her know that yes, she should wonder if she is betraying her own morals for a soul-crushing job that doesn’t even pay that well hourly when you factor in her 80-hour work week.
- Wowza! Goldman? Ignore the voice in your head telling you you’re an imposter fraud that’s going to crash and burn. I know you’ll do great 🙂 Everyone has impostor syndrome to some degree: it’s just a matter of how good you are at shouting the questioning voice down. With this comment, we give that voice a megaphone, amplifier, and sick background track. It was already in them all along, but now it’s at the top of their mind. Way to psych them out, champ! Your words will be sure to echo in their head when they try to fall asleep at night for weeks to come.
- Your networking skills are insane, bro! Because we all know it’s not your grades that scored you this elite internship hahaha! This casual joke-y insult is perfect for the proudest of finance bros. Not only does he expect to be humorously bullied, he sort of craves it now due to the war-crime-adjacent treatment and conditioning he endured as a pledge. He’ll never admit his stomach dropped like a stone upon seeing your notification pop up and reading your pointed callout of his most sensitive deficiency. He’s a bro! He’s chill! He doesn’t care!
- Good on you for prioritizing the start-up spirit over the money and prestige of big banking! One might think this is a little cruel—after all, we should be praising our friends for not giving in to the Goldman-JP-Morgan industrial complex. The truth is, startup bros are the most dangerous of them all. Facebook was once a startup, and now it’s a national birthday registry. We must humble the finance startup interns just as much as the others, because, like tumors, startups grow.