Tag Archives: beer

Heartwarming: When This Student In a Wheelchair Felt Left Out, These Brothers Helped Him Do a Keg Stand!

Adapting to College life can be tough for everyone, but imagine how hard it is for those of us facing physical disabilities. All of the social anxieties felt by being thrown into a new setting with dozens of people you’ve never met before get heightened by the palpable impairment that makes you feel completely different from everyone else.

This was especially true for Dwight Albert ‘21, who was paralyzed from the waist down when he was only four years old.

“Having a limited use of motor skills and using a wheelchair to get around is how I’ve lived for as long as I can remember, making it super tough to play even simple games like beer pong and slap cup, let alone do a keg stand,” said Albert.

When some people on his floor convinced him to go out last Saturday, Matthew was expecting more of the same: multiple sets of stares, awkward conversations, and just feeling out of place.

But right before Dwight was about to call it quits and head back to North, some brothers noticed he was looking a little down, and decided to completely turn his night around—or as some would say, upside-down!

“We just brought him over to the center of the room, helped him out of his wheelchair, and got him straightened out for the keg stand. He was a natural and everyone started chanting his name, it made the party that much better! He even was able to stay on there for 50 seconds, the longest of the night!” said Tanner Blake ’18, who originally had the idea to help out Dwight.

Wow! What an inspiring and uplifting story of brotherhood and compassion. Hopefully, this act of generosity can help make our campus a more inclusive place in the future!

Sheer Bravery! This Fraternity Brother Will Finish Anyone’s Drink That They Don’t Want Anymore

There are plenty of small town heroes to be found in Ithaca, but this long weekend, one really stood out from the crowd. Eric LaSorsa ‘18, a member of Sigma Psi Theta fraternity, has publicly stated that if somebody doesn’t want a drink anymore, he will proudly “slam that fucker down like it’s nobody’s business.”

Yes, that’s right! Whether your cup is filled to the brim, or barely worth a sip, LaSorsa will “slosh that bitch into his mouth” like it’s his own freshly poured drink. What a mensch!

You might be wondering – what inspires this real-life Superman to do The Lord’s work? According to LaSorsa, “sad, lonely drinks need a strong, paternal figure to knock that shit back and finish them off like a real man.” Nice!

When asked if his good deeds extended toward non-alcoholic drinks like water, juice, or even iced tea, the literal reincarnate of Mama Theresa responded, “fuck that pussy shit, beer is my water.”

Thanks, Eric, for spreading your angelic wings over our campus!

We Asked Students Which is Worse: Keystone, PBR, or Being Waterboarded?

Cornell students are all used to pretty awful drinks, and everybody has tried the college basics by now. So we went around campus asking students which they thought was worse: Keystone Light, Pabst Blue Ribbon, or the ancient torture technique of waterboarding? Here’s what we found.

Jordan Burnmauer ’17: Wha… What kind of question is that? Obviously waterboarding. Is that even a question? That’s terrible.

Karen Woodson ’19: Um… Is waterboarding a type of mixed drink? I’ve never heard of it. Are you talking about the medieval torture method? Then definitely no. Actually, no either way.

Guy Harrington ’16: I’m a PBR guy, so I’d say Keystone probably. If I get to a party and there’s only Keystone, I’ll definitely start searching for PBR or a place to be waterboarded.

Omar Perez ’18: Look, Keystone and PBR are pretty bad, but I’ll drink one if it means I’m not tied down to a table while I feel like I’m drowning.

Jackie Kim ’17: Ah, tough choice! I don’t really like any of them. Hmm, I guess Keystone!

Isaac Morrison ’16: I’ve been waterboarded. I still pick PBR.