Tag Archives: Clocktower

This Is Just a List Containing the Words Okenshields and Bingalee Dingalee Because You Tasteless Fuckers Will Eat This Shit Up

People keep commenting about how we should “totally write an article about Okenshields or Bingalee Dingalee”, so you know what, here you go. This is the kind of least common denominator article you tasteless fuckers want. This is what you asked for.

  1. Okenshields

There it is. There’s the word that made your dumb ape brain click on this article because you instantly associate this shit with humor. Do you even know what humor is? Just saying a word multiple times isn’t a joke, yet you fuckers eat this shit up like birthday cake.

  1. Bingalee Dingalee

Hey look, I said the other one too. Are you happy now you humorless wastes of space? You fuckers won’t even read this anyways. You’re just gonna like and share this garbage so all your shitty tasteless friends will accept you and include you in the piece of shit cultural moment that this article is exploiting to no end.

  1. Okenshields and Bingalee Dingalee

I put ‘em right next to each other this time. Bet that you really threw your dumb ape brain for a loop now didn’t it? Do you like this, huh? Does it make you happy to see these words on this page in this order? Is this what you think is funny? Do you fuckers even know what funny is? 

  1. Bingalee Dingalee and Okenshields

Honestly I’m done. There’s no saving us. Soon everybody and their mothers will just be writing piece of shit articles like this one to get a slice of the pie and it’ll be because of all you fuckers who slapped your weak, humorless knees at low-effort lists like this one right here. Honestly, I don’t even know why I wrote all this shit underneath each item. It’s all a waste of time when I can just capitalize on a fucking WORD and get 500 likes or some other piece of shit form of external validation you fuckers give that encourages garbage like this. Comedy is fucking dead and it’s because of you tasteless pieces of shit.

Overstepping His Bounds? Hunter Rawlings Has Asked For a Shorter Clock Tower That’s Easier To Walk Up

Hunter Rawlings has had a relatively controversy-free tenure, that is, up until recently. In a possible overstepping of his executive boundaries, Rawlings has asked the administration for a shorter clock tower that doesn’t take so long for him to walk up!

Talk about a political nightmare!

Off the record, Rawlings has complained for years about how the “walk up the clocktower makes his legs all ache-y” and that “big clock towers are dumb anyways”, but most of his critics seemed to take these comments in stride, assuming he was simply speaking metaphorically. Now we know he wasn’t joking!

When faced with criticism, Rawlings jabbed back, saying “the long stairs make [him] get all sweaty” and “now that the clock tower’s shorter it’ll be easier to read the time.” While some acknowledged the merit of these comments, everyone collectively agreed that Rawlings was simply “drunk with power” and would set a bad precedent.

“First the clock tower, then the slope, then the bridges,” said clock tower activist Randy Starkin. “When will it end? We need to keep Rawlings’ power in check before he goes too far and shortens the whole campus.”

Further reports state that the negative response to Rawlings’ clock tower request has put a damper on future president Pollack’s plans for a clock tower escalator.

7 Places You Could Visit If McGraw Tower Were a Rocketship, But Are Also Accessible Via Normal Means of Transportation

Have you ever thought about how cool it would be if Cornell’s iconic clock tower was a rocketship? You would be able to travel from Ithaca to virtually anywhere! Here are some places that would be awesome to visit during a joy ride atop the 161 steps of McGraw Tower, but could certainly also be reached through regular modes of transportation:

1) The Vet School

The Vet School is pretty far out on East Campus, and a rocketship ride from McGraw Tower would get you there in a jiff! But let’s be honest here, it’s not more than a 25 minute walk from Central, and there is a lot of parking out there if you just drove.

2) The White House

Our nation’s capital wouldn’t seem so far from Ithaca if you could get there in mere minutes on the McGraw Tower Express! We should point out here, though, the numerous logistical and legal hurdles involved in trying to land a 173 ft tall rocket-enabled chime tower on the POTUS’s residence. The Secret Service would be all over your case, and you probably couldn’t talk your way out of this. And if you landed in Dulles, Reagan, or BWI, you would still need a 30 minute cab ride to 1600 Pennsylvania Ave. Honestly, you should bite the bullet here. Just catch a ride with your friend who lives in Maryland and visit over a long weekend.

3) Area 51

This top-secret government facility in the Nevada desert is rumored to house alien technology. A non-stop tower trip to Area 51 could get you right up and close with the mysteries of our universe. But hear us out before you climb up the 161 steps of McGraw Tower, enter the coordinates of Area 51 through a secret chime pattern, and strap yourself around the spire. Area 51 requires a certain level of clearance to enter, and actually does employ several hundred agents, scientists, janitors, security officers, and food prep workers. So just get yourself on a flight out West, and apply for a job with the Las Vegas FBI Field Office or ask around and see how you can enter via legal means. Also, you probably won’t be allowed to share the secrets you learn there, but that’s just the price we pay for our nation’s security!

4) Chernobyl

The site of the 1986 Chernobyl Nuclear Facility meltdown is actually a very interesting ecological case study. If you flew there on the McGraw Tower Rocketship (which, by the way, we doubt exists), we’d love to see pictures of the animals and plants that now thrive there without human disturbance. Our one concern, though, is that you will bring an unsafe level of radiation back to our Ithaca community. The air here is pretty clean – and we don’t want to lose that. Or suffer the disastrous consequences of nuclear radiation. Consider flying to the Ukraine, driving out to the site, and wearing a full-body hazard suit.

5) Mars

Wow! Just imagine being the first human to set foot on Mars, all without the help of NASA or SpaceX – just you and Cornell’s historic flight-enabled chime tower. Unfortunately, it’s not all fun and games – even if McGraw Tower were faster than traditional rocketships, the journey would take months. Consider how Cornellians would feel about losing an architectural masterpiece so important to their identity. It would be incredibly selfish. You should just wait it out until Mars travel is feasible for the general population.

6) The Andromeda Galaxy

Honestly, travel to even our closest galaxy is an unforeseeable number of years away. Even the most optimistic science experts doubt there will be a practical way to get there in our lifetime, and that’s without considering the need for a viable way to wake up from cryogenic sleep necessary for the journey. It would actually be pretty cool to visit if McGraw Tower could get you there and back safely!

7) Uris Library

No qualms about this rocketship flight- it would be awesome!

Amazing! This Sophomore Incorrectly Guesses the Songs Being Played on the Clock Tower

Just when you thought it was impossible to do, Jackson Genesi ’18 guessed all of the songs being played on the Clocktower incorrectly. That’s right. All of the songs the chime-masters played on a brisk Friday afternoon, drawn from movie themes, pop hits, and Cornell’s historical songs. Jackson got them ALL wrong.


Normally it’s impossible to do what Jackson did. Most people can recognize one or two songs being played. Everyone knows the Harry Potter theme. And if you don’t recognize the Alma Mater, do you even go here?

But not Jackson. He was completely clueless for the entire chimes concert. How did Jackson do it?

“I’m just really unlucky I guess,” he said. “It also helps to be oblivious to popular culture and to things that are going on around me in general.”

Amazing. The next time you walk down Ho Plaza during a chimes concert and guess what songs are being played, try to be more like Jackson. Think of all the tunes you know that sound familiar, but still probably aren’t right.