Tag Archives: Collegetown

Spooky! Everybody Who Had a Halloween Party this Weekend Were Also Dumb Enough to Post About It

BooOO! Halloween this year turned out to be one for the books. Never mind the ghastly costumes and unexpected frights; this holiday’s freakiest monsters were people so idiotic, they broke social distancing guidelines to go to a large party AND broadcast the whole thing on their Instagram stories! Scary! 

These spectres haunted Collegetown throughout the night, blaring loud music and recording blurry panning videos of their 20-plus-person-hangouts. These eerie stories sent shivers down the spines of unsuspecting students on social media, who were petrified at the brazen displays of bad decision-making. Creepy!

The sight of Ivy League dolts bragging about their own stupid actions was too terrifying for words. How could anyone be idiotic enough to endanger the health of the broader campus community by hosting large gatherings and also so feeble-minded not to realize that literally anyone could record their Snapchats and get them in serious trouble?! Make it stop!

At least these modern-day ghouls let everyone know who they were so that they could be thoroughly avoided for the next 8-14 days. Talk about a silver lining! 

How To Justify To Marie Kondo That Empty Alcohol Bottles Bring You Joy

It might feel like Ithaca winter will drag on forever, but spring cleaning time will be here before you know it. And who better to consult for advice than Marie Kondo, author of the best-selling “The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up” and star of her eponymous Netflix series?

So here’s the dealio – Marie’s method tells us to reflect on each of our belongings (yes, even your crusty old mouthguard) and keep them only if they spark joy.

You might be tempted to toss that economics textbook, but remember: the textbook helps you pass the class, which helps you graduate with a degree in Finance, which will score you a cushy Wall Street job. And money sure brings you joy!

A way tougher conundrum comes in the form of those empty bottles of Svedka lining the top of your kitchen cabinets. Sure, knocking back a cold one brings you all sorts of joy, but Mrs. Kondo might insist that you thank the bottle for its service and discard it, now that it’s outlived its usefulness.

Not so fast! You’ve got a strong claim that those bottles are still presently bringing you joy.  They’re a reminder of a happier, simpler time, like last Thursday, when you downed a magnum bottle of Barefoot White Zinfandel by yourself in the dark because you got your fourth job rejection in a week. These bottles show you’re chill! You can hang! You’re one of the bros!

Sure, your mom might cry every time she walks into your dingy Collegetown apartment because her “worst fears have been realized” and you’re “turning out just like your father,” but think of how informational your collection is! Move over, FiveThirtyEight, this is a real-life infographic of all the fun you’ve had.

Armed with these arguments, you are prepared to stand up to Marie Kondo for your right to amass years of party remnants for all to see. Although, you could probably just avoid all of this conflict in the first place by passing on spring cleaning this go-around.

AVAILABLE FOR RENT: One-Bedroom Cardboard Box, No Bath, No Kitchen, Close to Campus, $650/month!!!

I’m looking for a responsible, clean, quiet tenant to live in my one-bedroom cardboard box for the summer of 2017. The box is fully furnished with Daily Sun newspapers, quarter cards, and rocks from nearby Cascadilla gorge. While the box has no bathroom, kitchen, electricity, or space to fit most things besides your body curled in a fetal position, it does have a great location: on the corner of Elmwood and Dryden, only a five-minute walk to campus! The landlord is also great and very attentive; I frequently see her sniffing around the nearby dumpster and can always ask her to fix small problems in the box before she takes food back to her raccoon family. I’m paying $750/month in rent for the school year, but you can have this relatively cheap housing option for just $650/month this summer! You won’t find anything cheaper in Collegetown!


I’ve lived in my house on Oak Avenue for the past year or so, and I love everything about it. My housemates, my kitchen, my second floor bedroom, even my basement. But if there’s one thing I have to say I hate about living in my Collegetown house, it’s the GODDAMN WEIRDO LIVING IN MY FUCKING ATTIC.

I don’t want to sound petty, but I just think that for the price of off-campus housing in Ithaca, local landlords could be a bit more sensitive to issues like malfunctioning air conditioners or a creep who CLIMBS DOWN THE GUTTER EVERY NIGHT AND EATS OUR LEFTOVER CASSEROLE.

I’m sure our attic dweller is a fine person, but we don’t know him, he doesn’t pay rent and quite frankly I think we could do without the MURMURS COMING FROM ABOVE. It just seems like something we should have been made aware of in our lease before we signed last September, that we would be IN CONSTANT FEAR OF THE SCARY SON OF A BITCH LIVING INSIDE OUR ROOF.

We’ve called numerous times over the past few months about this, but each time our landlord has promised to send a maintenance man over to smoke the ceiling fiend out of hiding, we’ve always been forced to deal with it ourselves. I, for one, am tired of CHASING AN UNWANTED RAT OF A HUMAN OUT OF MY HOUSE EVERY WEEKEND WITH A FLY SWATTER.

I hope you can see where I’m coming from. Anyone who has to deal with this from their landlord should speak up and let the community know we’re tired of BOARDING UP THE ATTIC DOOR FOR A MONTH AND STARVING THIS HORRIBLE PERSON OUT OF OUR HOME.