July 13, 2016

An Open Letter To My Landlord About THE GUY LIVING IN OUR GODDAMN ATTIC

I’ve lived in my house on Oak Avenue for the past year or so, and I love everything about it. My housemates, my kitchen, my second floor bedroom, even my basement. But if there’s one thing I have to say I hate about living in my Collegetown house, it’s the GODDAMN WEIRDO LIVING IN MY FUCKING ATTIC.

I don’t want to sound petty, but I just think that for the price of off-campus housing in Ithaca, local landlords could be a bit more sensitive to issues like malfunctioning air conditioners or a creep who CLIMBS DOWN THE GUTTER EVERY NIGHT AND EATS OUR LEFTOVER CASSEROLE.

I’m sure our attic dweller is a fine person, but we don’t know him, he doesn’t pay rent and quite frankly I think we could do without the MURMURS COMING FROM ABOVE. It just seems like something we should have been made aware of in our lease before we signed last September, that we would be IN CONSTANT FEAR OF THE SCARY SON OF A BITCH LIVING INSIDE OUR ROOF.

We’ve called numerous times over the past few months about this, but each time our landlord has promised to send a maintenance man over to smoke the ceiling fiend out of hiding, we’ve always been forced to deal with it ourselves. I, for one, am tired of CHASING AN UNWANTED RAT OF A HUMAN OUT OF MY HOUSE EVERY WEEKEND WITH A FLY SWATTER.

I hope you can see where I’m coming from. Anyone who has to deal with this from their landlord should speak up and let the community know we’re tired of BOARDING UP THE ATTIC DOOR FOR A MONTH AND STARVING THIS HORRIBLE PERSON OUT OF OUR HOME.

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