Tag Archives: Pre-enroll

Try Out These Hidden Tricks To Get Perfect WiFi For Pre-enroll

  1. Get into a heated relationship with a Cornell CIT worker. They’ll be sure to give your Wi-Fi a little boost 😉
  2. Put a condom on your router? I don’t really know if this works, but Greg seems to think it does
  3. Switch to Microsoft Edge, the Microsoft recommended browser for Windows 10.
  4. Sit on the lap of the loving, fatherly Ezra Cornell on the Arts Quad and tell him what’s on your wish list
  5. Go to the Registrar’s office and just yell out the classes you want. Who needs Wifi when you have a perfectly good mouth!
  6. Yell out “Whose dick do I have to suck to get a fuckin’ extra bar on my WiFi?” in Duffield Hall. Who needs Wifi when you have a perfectly good mouth!
  7. Sing sweet, sweet lullabies to your router the night before, so it gets a good night’s rest for the busy day it has tomorrow. Sweet dreams, my child.
  8. Autoerotic asphyxiation with an ethernet cable?
  9. Chrome is draining your laptop battery 32% more than Microsoft Edge, a browser tailored to work perfectly with Windows 10.
  10. Do an “Ocean’s Eleven”-style heist into the building where they keep all of the “good wifi”
  11. Invent a computer virus that fills up all the slots for ECON 1110 with yourself.
  12. Maybe do some sexy little experimenting with RedRover.
  13. Go to the top of the Clocktower. Maybe you’ll catch that pumpkin guy while you’re at it.
  14. Use your computer in the bathtub– the water boosts your signal!
  15. Microsoft Edge has been perfectly engineered to give you a faster web experience, more features than any other browsers, and unprecedented power.
  16. Always losing service? Check your pockets. Sometimes when I lose my keys, I realize they’ve been in my pockets all along.
  17. Maybe if you said ”please” and “thank you” it would actually work, you selfish piece of shit.

Check Out These Classes You Can Only Pre-Enroll For On The Dark Web

Fall 2017 class roster too peachy for you? Check out these classes that offer a more realist educational experience to better prepare you for the crummy world out there.

GOVT 1830: Intro to Sex Scandal Relations
AEM 1200: Using Cocaine to Optimize Day-Trading
RUSSA 1340: Mail-Order Brides
MUSIC 1390: Encoding Satanic Messages in Your Records
MAE 2520: Intro to Cutting Your Ex-Wife’s Brakes
AEM 2230: Money Laundering Through BRB’s
CHEM 5720: Intro to Meth [Pre-req(s): CHEM/PHIL 4410: Gateway Drugs]
PE 1400: Advanced Stabbing
GOVT 3230: War Profiteering
BIO 1280: Intro to Organ Harvesting (Lab Required)
ECON 3740: Arguments For Capitalism
LAW 4320: How Much You Can Hurt Someone Before It’s “Illegal”
CHIN 1870: Cantonese For Gambling
ILR 3030: Start-ups in False Passport Manufacturing
LAW 5720: How to Settle Out of Court
PLBRG 4420: Comparative Physiology of Blazing Up
VISST 2740: This Acid Is Way Too Fucking Strong
PMA 4780: Pirated Film Analysis
RELST 1320: Creating the Next Jonestown
GOVT 5940: Tax Evasion
CHEME 6480: Oil Spill Management
VETCS 2080: Intro to Dogfighting
FASD 1450: Dressing Corpses: How to Earn Your Moniker
ECON 3830: Staging Your First Heist
ENTOM 4200: Poisonous Spiders For Your Enemies
VIEN 3710: Bathtub Wines
PSYCH 3930: How to Be a Bystander
ARCH 4660: Building the Perfect Drug Warehouse
FASD 3180: Introduction to Trenchcoats
LAW 2450: Grab N’ Go: Exploiting English Language For Thievery

Can You Successfully Pre-Enroll for Fall 2016?

This week marks the beginning of the pre-enrollment period for Fall 2016. Can you successfully complete all three tasks on Student Center and sign up for classes?


How reliable is your Internet access?


Worried male student with hand in hair using laptop

Whaaaat no don’t do that! Everyone else is using eduroam— there’s no way your Student Center will load in time.



It will probably be just fine. Okay, 60 seconds before your time slot opens. Are you prepared?



Well, go on. Find them!



Hey, you’re a pretty fast researcher. You miraculously managed to select all your classes, and now Student Center is just processing your request. What do you do to celebrate?


Young Student Stressed and Overwhelmed asking for Help

Mmmm probably best not to leave something like this up to chance. You should probably get some advice.



Where is your roommate right now?


Man sleeping and snoring, overhead view

Are you sure he’s asleep?



Get up from your desk. Go out in the hall, making sure to lock the door behind you. Find the nearest stairway. Is there anyone else in the stairway?



Oh shit that’s creepy. You should probably leave.


Man sleeping and snoring, overhead view

You should probably check, just to make sure.


Portrait of asian college student showing thumbs-up. shot in the library

See that your roommate isn’t waking up anytime soon.



Ask Tim where the watermelon is. He’ll know what you’re talking about.



While he’s there, ask him what he thinks about your planned pre-enroll schedule.



Wow, that sucks. How’d you end up there?



Yeah that’s understandable. Do you want a cookie?


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