- Get into a heated relationship with a Cornell CIT worker. They’ll be sure to give your Wi-Fi a little boost 😉
- Put a condom on your router? I don’t really know if this works, but Greg seems to think it does
- Switch to Microsoft Edge, the Microsoft recommended browser for Windows 10.
- Sit on the lap of the loving, fatherly Ezra Cornell on the Arts Quad and tell him what’s on your wish list
- Go to the Registrar’s office and just yell out the classes you want. Who needs Wifi when you have a perfectly good mouth!
- Yell out “Whose dick do I have to suck to get a fuckin’ extra bar on my WiFi?” in Duffield Hall. Who needs Wifi when you have a perfectly good mouth!
- Sing sweet, sweet lullabies to your router the night before, so it gets a good night’s rest for the busy day it has tomorrow. Sweet dreams, my child.
- Autoerotic asphyxiation with an ethernet cable?
- Chrome is draining your laptop battery 32% more than Microsoft Edge, a browser tailored to work perfectly with Windows 10.
- Do an “Ocean’s Eleven”-style heist into the building where they keep all of the “good wifi”
- Invent a computer virus that fills up all the slots for ECON 1110 with yourself.
- Maybe do some sexy little experimenting with RedRover.
- Go to the top of the Clocktower. Maybe you’ll catch that pumpkin guy while you’re at it.
- Use your computer in the bathtub– the water boosts your signal!
- Microsoft Edge has been perfectly engineered to give you a faster web experience, more features than any other browsers, and unprecedented power.
- Always losing service? Check your pockets. Sometimes when I lose my keys, I realize they’ve been in my pockets all along.
- Maybe if you said ”please” and “thank you” it would actually work, you selfish piece of shit.