November 1, 2017

Try Out These Hidden Tricks To Get Perfect WiFi For Pre-enroll

  1. Get into a heated relationship with a Cornell CIT worker. They’ll be sure to give your Wi-Fi a little boost 😉
  2. Put a condom on your router? I don’t really know if this works, but Greg seems to think it does
  3. Switch to Microsoft Edge, the Microsoft recommended browser for Windows 10.
  4. Sit on the lap of the loving, fatherly Ezra Cornell on the Arts Quad and tell him what’s on your wish list
  5. Go to the Registrar’s office and just yell out the classes you want. Who needs Wifi when you have a perfectly good mouth!
  6. Yell out “Whose dick do I have to suck to get a fuckin’ extra bar on my WiFi?” in Duffield Hall. Who needs Wifi when you have a perfectly good mouth!
  7. Sing sweet, sweet lullabies to your router the night before, so it gets a good night’s rest for the busy day it has tomorrow. Sweet dreams, my child.
  8. Autoerotic asphyxiation with an ethernet cable?
  9. Chrome is draining your laptop battery 32% more than Microsoft Edge, a browser tailored to work perfectly with Windows 10.
  10. Do an “Ocean’s Eleven”-style heist into the building where they keep all of the “good wifi”
  11. Invent a computer virus that fills up all the slots for ECON 1110 with yourself.
  12. Maybe do some sexy little experimenting with RedRover.
  13. Go to the top of the Clocktower. Maybe you’ll catch that pumpkin guy while you’re at it.
  14. Use your computer in the bathtub– the water boosts your signal!
  15. Microsoft Edge has been perfectly engineered to give you a faster web experience, more features than any other browsers, and unprecedented power.
  16. Always losing service? Check your pockets. Sometimes when I lose my keys, I realize they’ve been in my pockets all along.
  17. Maybe if you said ”please” and “thank you” it would actually work, you selfish piece of shit.

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