Today’s the day! Here’s CU Nooz’s Recommended Slope Day schedule. Print this out in case you black out and forget what to do with yourself!
8:00 AM Wake up! It’s Slope Day! Check your texts. Joey’s already telling you to come over to his apartment to pregame.
8:10 AM Grab a bagel for breakfast later, because you promised yourself you’d be responsible this year.
8:30 AM When you get to Joey’s, realize he’s already been drinking for two hours. Lose the bagel, les’ get drunk bitchesssss!
8:40 AM Two shots and a beer in, make eye contact with the girl from class you always stared at this semester, but never talked to.
8:41 AM You’re making her uncomfortable. Try to smile.
8:42 AM The girl turns away pointedly. You’ve already fucked up and it’s only 8:42 AM. But stay optimistic, because it’s Slope Day! You’ll find someone!
9:00 AM Joey saw you making eyes at the girl. He drunkenly congratulates you, but for what?
9:05 AM Joey decides you should take another shot with him to celebrate the fact that you’ve got fuckin pull, man.
9:30 AM Joey is now incapable of standing straight. The light is slowly slipping from his eyes.
9:40 AM Joey is now glassy-eyed and drenched in Keystone. Try to leave him for your own sake.
10:00 AM Wander aimlessly around Collegetown pretending to head to another pregame while presumably texting friends on your phone. Make sure no one knows that Joey was the only person with whom you had plans today.
10:30 AM Wish you still had that bagel. Dammit, Joey.
11:00 AM Is it time to head to the slope now?
11:15 AM You find a frat pregame so full that someone like you is able to slip in without anyone noticing. Score! Have some jungle juice to cope with your awkwardness.
11:30 AM Regret chugging that trash. You’ll never learn. Leave the frat pregame.
11:31 AM Oh my god, it’s Joey.
11:32 AM Try to back away without Joey noticing you. Avert your eyes. Stumble drunkenly into a stranger. Eep! The stranger makes an alarmed sound, and Joey notices.
11:35 AM HEY MAN! HEY, I FOUND YOU!
11:36 AM Uh-oh. Realize your Slope Day is now about Blackout Joey. Sucks to be you, dude.
11:38 AM So, is it time to head to the slope now?
11:39 AM …What about now?
11:40 AM Joey thinks so. You follow Joey to the Slope, mostly because Joey can’t walk straight on his own and you’re supposed to be friends or something.
11:55 AM This is taking longer than it should. Joey knows too many people when he’s blackout. Question how much you like Joey.
12:01 PM Whoopee! You’re at the Slope! You stand in line and someone hands you bottled water. You give it to Joey, who grabs it and chugs it like it’s beer, then crushes the bottle and throws it on the ground. Fuck yeah, badass!
12:02 PM Wait for Joey to feel better from the water. Then realize he’s long gone, and water won’t save him anymore.
12:15 PM You made it through the large crowd at the entrance! Quick, find a good spot!
12:20 PM Oops, wait, Joey needs to pee.
12:21 PM Tell Joey he can’t publicly urinate. Lead him to a Port-a-Potty.
12:30 PM Sit outside Port-a-Potty area waiting for Joey to do his business.
12:40 PM …Wow, Joey’s been in there for a long time! Knock to make sure he’s okay.
12:41 PM “I’m okay!” Eh, seems trustworthy. Wait a little longer.
12:50 PM …What the fuck man, you’ve been in there for 20 minutes!
12:51 PM Wait, is he taking a nap in there?
12:52 PM The sun’s getting to you, you’re getting sleepy. It was supposed to be cloudy today, dammit. Joey’s taking a while.
1:00 PM Naptime! S’natra makes a good lullaby.
1:01 PM You were swaying to the music, but now it’s involuntary.
1:02 PM Hmm, eyelids are heavy.
1:03 PM Has the line between the sidewalk and the air always been this fuzzy?
1:04 PM …
1:05 PM …
1:06 PM …..
1:20 PM Black Sudan appears. Get in the car. Don’t ask questions.
1:22 PM You look to your left. Joey’s driving in sharp attire and dark sunglasses. Damn, he sure looks like he’s on a mission!
1:30 PM You’re so impressed with Joey’s suave look. Act like you’re on his level.
1:45 PM Hey, “fake it till you make it” works! Admire your new Italian suit. You look hella fly, motherfucker.
1:46 PM Find a classic Old Fashioned in the compartment to your right. Reach for the drink, Joey does the same. Sip at the same time, motions perfectly coordinated.
1:47 PM Dammmmnn. That shit smooth.
1:50 PM …Now wouldn’t it be great if that girl from class saw you right about now?
1:51 PM FUCK, THE GIRL, IT’S THE GIRL! AGH, WHAT DO I DO?!
1:52 PM Two shots and a beer in, make eye contact with the girl from class you always stared at this semester, but never talked to.
1:55 PM You’re making her uncomfortable. Try to smile.
1:56 PM Holy shit, she actually doesn’t look away. Yo, you actually got fuckin pull, man!
2:00 PM Joey drunkenly congratulates you. Yes, he’s still driving. No, none of this is odd.
2:01 PM Wait, Joey’s stopping the car. Why is he stopping the car? Why is the girl still on the side of the road? Haven’t you been moving the whole time?
2:03 PM Joey slides out of the Sudan towards the girl. Fuck.
2:05 PM Fuck fuck FUCK that fuckin Joey!
2:06 PM Joey goes in for a smooch. She KISSES HIM BACK. Aw, fuck you, Joey!
2:07 PM Joey suddenly transforms into the demigod Zac Efron, or whatever his name is. Welp. Game over.
2:08 PM You and the Sudan collapse inwards into a black hole that has mysteriously appeared in the asphalt below you. It’s fine, though— fucking Joey ruined everything, so nothing matters anymore.
2:15 PM Yo dude, you’ve been falling for a long time now.
2:20 PM Yo dude, everything alright? Like there’s gotta be some way out of this hole, no?
2:21 PM Oh hey, warm string lights! Floating candles! Pictures of cats on the wall! Hey, this hole isn’t so bad.
2:25 PM You’re bored, so you look to your left. Whoa. Joey’s falling with you, but motherfucker’s falling headfirst!
2:26 PM Shrug and smile smugly. Fuckin asshole.
3:00 PM …falling…
4:00 PM …falling…
5:30 PM …still going, so might as well check in to make sure Joey’s still fucked.
5:31 PM …yep, he’s still fucked.
7:00 PM Boom! You hit the ground with a light thud. Your eyes flutter open.
7:01 PM Ground’s kinda damp, there’s an abandoned beer can next to your face. You hear distant murmurs and heavy footsteps nearby. Danger!
7:02 PM Clench your fists and get ready to fight. You’ve got this! They think you’re dead already, so they won’t see it coming.
7:03 PM …
7:04 PM …
7:05 PM Sigh with relief— ha, silly goose! It was just the clean up crew. You sit up to find volunteers picking up trash around you. You get some judgmental looks.
7:10 PM Pick yourself up and shamelessly walk home.
So you missed Slope Day, but did you, really?