August 25, 2017

5 Wildest Lines From Martha Pollack’s Inaugural Address

It’s a historic day for Cornellians: Martha Pollack was officially inaugurated as Cornell’s 14th President this afternoon. Her speech was met with positive reception, but these lines truly made it an inaugural address to remember:

When President Pollack announced a bipartisan, $1 Trillion infrastructure package

It was a pleasant surprise to hear Pollack make a call for both parties to come together and address our crumbling infrastructure—but the actual plan released by the President’s Office shortly after the speech only reads, “more clocktowers.” It will be interesting to see how this plan plays out!

When President Pollack called Touchdown the Bear her son

Most listeners thought Pollack made a Freudian Slip when she thanked “my son, Touchdown the Bear” in her speech, but instead doubled down and clarified that Cornell’s mascot was in fact her “favorite son.” Way to commit!

When President Pollack read aloud her spec script for Will & Grace, and hoped “it will make it on the air this season”

Though unexpected, Pollack’s original episode entitled “Any Person, Any Study” was the most enjoyable part of the speech. While the resolution may need a little work, most agreed the script “had legs.” But Pollack’s hope for the screenplay to actually be used in an upcoming episode reveals her lack of understanding of the production and showrunning aspects of network television. Thank goodness that knowledge isn’t required to be a university president! Will & Grace returns to NBC this Fall on September 28th at 9/8c.

When President Pollack committed to tear down Ithaca’s Confederate statues, “should any exist or be erected”

Critics anticipated the president to make a statement on Charlottesville in her speech, but students rejoiced in her no-tolerance stance against any Robert E. Lee or Stonewall Jackson statues that may or may not prop up in the next few years.

When President Pollack openly provoked Kim Jong-Un

Toward the end of her speech, Pollack asked the non-existent DJ for “a beat” and freestyled for several minutes, dropping insults on everyone from Ezra Cornell to Provost Michael Kotlikoff. Perhaps her baddest drop fell on the North Korean Dictator: “Think you’re so cool, Kim Jong-Un? / Well I’m the one with the Grey Poupon.” Bold move, Martha! Time will tell how this quip escalates the current conflict.

After that ride of a speech, we can’t wait to see what else our new president has in store!

Photo credit inauguration.cornell.edu

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