Tag Archives: academic

Erudite Scholar! This Engineer Actually Does The Optional Textbook Reading

ZOOM—Obnoxiously trying to broaden his horizons and get the most out of his short time at Cornell, sophomore Alex Latell ‘23 is willing to go above and beyond the call of duty to understand Data Structures. 

“When I asked my friends their thoughts on last week’s optional reading, they originally looked at me like I grew two heads,” said Latell as he happily flashed the cover of his latest foray into understanding the human condition, Infinite Jest. “But after I elucidated to them the importance of furthering one’s intellectual horizons through devout dedication to one’s classes, they assured me they too would strive to study the optional readings.”

Emboldened by his growing brain, Latell even volunteered to lead his recitation session to the abject horror of his professor. “While I love to see students engage with the material, Mr. Latell has taken it a bit far,” said Professor Altman as he joyously moved Latell’s line-by-line commentary to the trash. “These readings are supposed to be for fun about topics that interest you, not more homework.”

Despite spending more time on the class than the rest of his friend group, Latell somehow received the worst grade on his prelim. He maintains that he was “surprised” none of the optional readings were on the prelim, but he would remain committed to “expanding his ever growing mental encyclopedia of non-essential knowledge.”

Inspiring: This Freshman Signed Up For a Class With None of the Prereqs and Now He’s Fucked

It’s definitely not easy taking a class you know absolutely nothing about. But Luke Zhang ‘23 enrolled in PHYS 4230: Statistical Thermodynamics despite having taken none of its three prerequisite classes. And it was a huge mistake!

“I don’t really have the math background to be in this class. Or the physics background. But I figured I would catch on quickly enough,” said Zhang, who is now completely screwed.

Why not having the prerequisites for a class might discourage some students from enrolling, Luke is a true Cornellian and decided he should be pursuing any study, even if he was completely unprepared for the class and can’t understand any of the material.

A classmate reports that Zhang “really shouldn’t be in the class, adding that “[he] can’t even take an integral.” Let them hate—we believe in him!

Zhang certainly has his work cut out for him given his complete and utter lack of preparation, but his motivation and perseverance might help him scrape by with a passing grade. We’ll be rooting for him!

Add/Drop Dilemma: My Professor Is Terrible, But Also Hot?

There’s no question that the add/drop period is stressful. There are classes I need to take, and classes I want to take, but at the end of the day, some classes need to get dropped. This semester my decision couldn’t be harder, because on the one hand the professor for my European History class is terrible, but on the other hand, he’s also absurdly hot?

What do I do?!

The first week of class, he delivered a lecture on the Battle of Hastings that was painfully dry, but damn if my mouth wasn’t watering at those baby blue eyes and chiseled jaw that almost make me want to put up with a hundred pages of reading per night? I don’t know if I can give up seeing his light brown hair, immaculate stubble, and complete disinterest in his students.

Seriously, he could be a model in an L.L. Bean catalog if he weren’t teaching a course that would have me write a four-page paper every week for the next two months.

So if I drop the course, I’ll be taking four manageable classes at 16 credits. If I keep it, I’ll have trouble squeezing in time for my social life, but at least I’ll get to watch those bulging, tan muscles scribble facts on the chalkboard about the Great Schism in absolutely unreadable handwriting.

This is a much harder decision than I thought, but I still have a few days to make my choice. In the meantime, you can bet I’ll be fantasizing about him being a better teacher.

Travel Alert! Students Unable to Make It From Bed to Class After Break

After the glorious week away from class provided by Spring Break, many students are still struggling with their various trips to campus all the way from their dorm rooms or apartments.

“There are just so many legs to the journey,” mumbled sophomore Genevieve Perreine through two blankets and a pillow. “First I’d have to get out of bed, then I’d have to walk from Sheldon next door to my class in Schwartz. I mean, I’d never be able to coordinate a trip like that. You know. Delays. Cancellations. It wouldn’t work.”

The latest reports indicate that Perreine is still asleep in bed.

Marcus Lee ‘21 grappled with the same problem, writing frantic emails to his professors and begging to be excused due to travel conflicts. “This was a totally unforeseeable circumstance,” wrote Lee, bleary-eyed and miserably decaffeinated. “My bus is delayed.” Upon further investigation, the bus was not CoachUSA as he had implied, but a mere TCAT, meaning delays were in fact very foreseeable.

A group of engineers is currently trying to hang glide from the clocktower to avoid walking traffic on Ho Plaza; stay tuned to see how that goes!

Liberal Slant? This Entire School Is About Labor

Colleges are meant to be bastions of free speech, teaching young adults how to think for themselves. Unfortunately, today’s colleges fall far from the mark. Whether it’s professors spouting opinion as fact, or the violent campus protests, it’s obvious that these so-called ‘glands of diverse thinking’ are culpable of silencing conservative thought. Just take Cornell University as an example. They have a entire school just about labor.

Talk about some liberal indoctrination.

When I sent my son to the “Industrial and Labor Relations” school, I was hoping he would learn how to analyze ideas critically and become an independent thinker, but it’s obvious that the Cornell libs are only concerned with filling his head with ridiculous fallacies like minimum wages or workers compensation. I mean what are they gonna have next? Free student health care? A graduate student’s union? A gulag for all dissenters to rot until the end of their four year college terms?

I’m sorry, but if you’re gonna have a school about labor laws, there should also be a school dedicated not only to bypassing said labor laws, but also lobbying in Congress to keep worker’s rights to a minimum at best. If I had my way, there would be a P.E. dedicated to breaking up union strikes, but I’m sure that would be too much for the snowflakes over at Big Red.

It just seems like Cornell is only concerned with spouting Marxist ideology, rather than teaching about important things like the free market, American values, and how the plight of the individual laborer is a socialist myth. Cornell better get it together soon, or else our future leaders will be enrolling us all into one giant commie union.

21 FWS Names I’m Ashamed To Have On My Transcript

1) FWS: Let’s Play — I got a C- in Yahtzee.

2) FWS: Modern Romance: Dating and Relationships Among Young Adults — “Hot tip,” said my sixty-year-old professor, “say, ‘Hiya toots!’ by the jukebox, and y be doing the jitterbug in no time.”

3) FWS: Talk. Writing is for Pussies — Okay, fine, this one isn’t real.

4) FWS: Yogurt? — The jury’s still out.

5) FWS: Sluts and Hoes — Yep. Very ashamed of this one.

6) FWS: Pin The Tail On Stuart — Stuart had a really bad time.

7) FWS: Fuck — God dammit.

8) FWS: Feminism For Men — Surprisingly, the same as feminism for women, just with one picture of a monster truck.

9) FWS: Everyone Gets A B+ — I got a B.

10) FWS: Be Christian — On day 1, they took us to Sage Chapel and baptized us.

11) FWS: Ian? — WHERE IS HEEEE???

12) FWS: My Mom’s A Bitch — She made him eat grapes, and he doesn’t like grapes.

13) FWS: Meditation for Beginners, Just Breathing — *sigh*

14) FWS: I’ve Got the Almond Milk Blues — We were all lactose intolerant except for Gary, who’s just really sad about almond milk.

15) FWS: Want My Old Skateboard? — No.

16) FWS: Crabs, Sexy???? — No.

17) FWS: Canada Is Technically A Country — No.

18) FWS: Urethras In The 21st Century — They were all pretty urethra-y.

19) FWS: One Unbelievably Well-Woven Basket — The basket got an A+.

20) FWS: Geronimo! — For the first two weeks, we just jumped off of medium-sized ledges onto a gymnastics pad.

21) FWS: Jumanji For Dummies — We just watched Jumanji at half speed.