Travel Alert! Students Unable to Make It From Bed to Class After Break

After the glorious week away from class provided by Spring Break, many students are still struggling with their various trips to campus all the way from their dorm rooms or apartments.

“There are just so many legs to the journey,” mumbled sophomore Genevieve Perreine through two blankets and a pillow. “First I’d have to get out of bed, then I’d have to walk from Sheldon next door to my class in Schwartz. I mean, I’d never be able to coordinate a trip like that. You know. Delays. Cancellations. It wouldn’t work.”

The latest reports indicate that Perreine is still asleep in bed.

Marcus Lee ‘21 grappled with the same problem, writing frantic emails to his professors and begging to be excused due to travel conflicts. “This was a totally unforeseeable circumstance,” wrote Lee, bleary-eyed and miserably decaffeinated. “My bus is delayed.” Upon further investigation, the bus was not CoachUSA as he had implied, but a mere TCAT, meaning delays were in fact very foreseeable.

A group of engineers is currently trying to hang glide from the clocktower to avoid walking traffic on Ho Plaza; stay tuned to see how that goes!

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