By Miley Mortgage
I know you sexually frustrated quarintiners probably want me to tell you some empowering story about me letting go of my insecurities while getting my pussy stuffed by three strangers in the clocktower. Maybe you’d like to read a feel-good tale of how I finally taught Jake the difference between the urethra and the clitoris. But this week, all I have is a very unerotic story about a completely mundane weeknight where I lounged on the couch in sweatpants and watched HGTV with my mom.
To be clear, there will be absolutely nothing sensual, salacious, or even mildly titillating in this article henceforth. No one would blame you for turning around at this point.
With that disclaimer out of the way let me just tell you something: These people on House Hunters International had NO BUSINESS moving to Prague whatsoever. First of all, only one of them had a job (he was a footwear model), and neither of them spoke any Czech. That might be an issue don’t you think? Also, this guy was dead set on living out in the country, while she refused to even consider a property outside the city center. Why didn’t they decide on that before they went on the show?! At the same time, they had this enormous wish list of items and a budget of only €250 per month. I definitely don’t think they needed three bedrooms or a personal office space. Then, when the realtor would show them properties they could actually afford that didn’t have some of the things they were asking for, they had the audacity to get mad at her. Madness!
I tried raising some of these concerns to my mom, but she wasn’t paying attention because she was on her phone sending me pinterest posts of “fun diy crafts” we should “totally make together” during isolation.
Finally the episode was about to end. They were about to choose between three properties: 1) The downtown studio that was over their budget and located directly over a noisy nightclub with no working washer and dryer 2) The fully finished suburban loft in their price range with two bedrooms and an outdoor patio space located minutes from the train station (obviously the correct choice) 3) The over budget fixer-upper 35 minutes from town with three bedrooms but no central heating system. The morons went with number three.
Right after the couple made their questionable selection, the show fast forwarded to six months later, after they had already moved in. Unsurprisingly, there were still renovations going on. I guess the extra bedroom wasn’t such a bad idea after all though, because they had added a roommate up into the mix. The guy’s parents had moved in with them, which given current events probably didn’t turn out too well for him.
After the show was over, I downed a whole bottle of wine and promptly passed out in my bed at 9pm. This is the end of the article.
Absinthe and Anal
Body Shots and Butt Plugs
Cocktails and Cock Rings
Daiquiris and Double Penetration
Eggnog and Edging
Fireball and Facials
Grey Goose and Golden Showers
Hennessy and Hot Wax
Irish Whiskey and Inflatables
Jungle Juice and Japanese Tentacles
Keg Stands and Kidnappings
Limoncello and Leashes
Moonshine and Muzzle Gags
Natty and Nipple Clamps
Oxy and Orgasm Denial
Patron and Penis Gags
Quaaludes and Queefs
Rum and Reluctant Handjobs
Sake and Spanking
Tequila and Toe Sucking
Unicorn Tears and Ukrainian Separatism
Vodka and Violence
Whiskey and Weapons-Grade Uranium
Xanax and Xenophobia
Yaguara and “Yes Daddy harder”
just fucking kill someone and then gangbang a pumpkin
GOLDWIN SMITH HALL—Thought you were a special student? Think again! After years of studying psychology, Francis Elkhart ‘21 is making a name for himself as the next Sigmund Freud. His secret? He has an unrelenting desire to fuck his mother!
No other psychology student has anything close to Francis’s gift for wanting to schlong his mama. Tough luck for all you fakers and penis-envy posers who spend all night studying. You’ll never have the natural talent or the heart-pumping, mom-fucking passion of Francis.
Ever since he was four years old, Francis knew two things for sure: he wanted to become a psychologist and he wanted to make fervent love to the one who birthed him. And if that wasn’t enough, Francis’ younger sister is already planning to fuck half of Asia in the style of prominent former politician Genghis Khan. Guess some of these things just run in the family!
It was last weekend when he came to me. I was sitting in my dorm late Saturday night, once again alone and lusting for something more.
He appeared right as I was falling asleep. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw the booklet of gospel hymns that was thrust towards me on Ho Plaza the week before. It was as if he was calling to me.
I turned the page and immediately felt the rush of my lord all over me. From singing “I’ll Fly Away” to “Amazing Grace,” he continuously entered my soul until I was completely out of breath.
Lying on my bed, as sweat dripped down my face, I thought I’d had enough. But I needed more. I rummaged through my belongings to find the Bible my grandma threw in my suitcase before I left home.
I never would have thought that I’d be able to last so long; it was only my first time. But we went on, verse after verse, until the sun began to rise.
Finally, it was his time to go. I sent him off on my knees, reciting his prayers, gleefully waiting until we would meet again.
The campus blackout was definitely unexpected, and for anyone who was in the middle of doing homework when their internet cut out, that absolutely sucks. But you have to admire the forethought that Allie Jacobson ‘19 put into her day when the power cut out and she didn’t lose any important documents on her computer because she was watching porn!
Why didn’t we think of that?!
It’s always a good practice to constantly save anything you’re working on in case something unexpected happens, but it’s probably even better practice to watch two hotties (or maybe more!) having sex just in case the Cornell power plant shuts down. You never know, so it’s better to be prepared.
“I didn’t notice the electricity went off because I watch my hard core erotica in the dark. I actually believe that’s the best case scenario to be in if all the lights go out anyways” said Allie, whose helpful advice will save us so much trouble in the future if and when another outage happens.
The even more amazing part? Allie didn’t even have to stop watching porn when she lost her internet because she had already downloaded so much on her computer.
Don’t you hate when your roommate is banging his significant other and their amount of spice is sorely lacking? We sure used to, until we came up with 69 sure-fire ways to spice up their raucous fuck sessions!
- Officiate a marriage between them
- Throw the two of them oxygen masks and claim they’re in a 747 headed straight into the Indian ocean
- Dress up as a child and ask why they’re fighting
- Drop an already busted pair of glasses and claim they broke them
- Replace their mattress with a thin mixture of gelatin and crushed up VHS copies of TMNT 2: Secret of the Ooze
- Roleplay as the iceberg from Titanic and allow them to be the front hull of the ship
- Assassinate archduke Franz Ferdinand resulting in the beginning of a war that would claim the lives of millions
- Ask them if they would fuck you, because you’d fuck you
- Look your roommate in the eyes and eat a whole pizza in one big gulp
- Attach ankle bracelets to each of them and claim they’re under house arrest for banging too hard
- Attempt to sell them on a beautiful Floridian timeshare for which their raucous bang sessions would be more appropriate
- Say freeze, rearrange them in a different position, then yell action
- Whip each of them with a towel and call them “dweebs”
- Walk up to them with a tray of lemonade and tell them they’ve been working so hard that they deserve a nice, long break
- Claim the lemonade you’ve given them is 100% juice when in reality it’s made from concentrate
- Ask for your favorite subway order and ask for a refund when they accidentally put on pickles. You hate pickles
- Convert him to Judaism and then proceed to circumcise him on the spot
- Rip off one of the bedposts and then deny all responsibility, blaming it on their “raucous bang seshes”
- Put a mistletoe under his bed so the rats below have to kiss
- During their fiery coitus, read them discriminatory fortune cookie fortunes
- Pretend that they’re trying out for the roles of two penguins in March of the Penguins and you’re the casting director
- Order Chinese delivery directly to their bed
- Give your roommate’s partner a list of every person he/she has slept with in order of the quality of their eyelashes
- Dress up in a sailor suit and yell “I’m commandeering this fuck ship”
- Explain to them why Spike Lee was a poor choice for the American adaptation of Oldboy
- Place a signpost in front of his bed that states “you are now entering Fucktown USA”
- Set up a lie detector test and then ask them if they’re fucking.
- Send Dennis Rodman into the bedroom as an ambassador for “North Vagina”
- Put them in handcuffs and take ‘em downtown where scum like them belong
- Replace the bed springs with ceramic matryoshka dolls
- Film them in the act and screen it to critical acclaim at the Sundance Film Festival
- Fill the bed with mouse traps and refer to them as “my itty bitty mice”
- Explain to them the dangers of smoking “the reefer”
- Use the scientific method to figure out whether they be bangin’
- Tag your roommate out when he’s a looking a bit beat up and swap in
- Write your roommate a fake allergy letter to get him an air conditioned dick
- Replace their condoms with condors and claim that the pharmacy must’ve made a typo
- Dress up in a latex gimp suit and fake a life-threatening allergic reaction, a tragedy which ruins the moment at first but eventually makes their relationship stronger due to them bonding over your recovery
- Replace his bed sheets with a laminated print of the Communist manifesto
- Prick their ears for lactic acid buildup so you know they’re trying
- Give a live, in-depth commentary with famed color commentator John Madden
- Calmly remind your roommate that if his partner is a cop, they have to tell him
- Tell them that, for only the cost of one cup of coffee, they can contribute to a fund for sexiled roommates
- Hand them two tickets for Boner-roo 2016
- Demand to see your lawyer “before any sexing occurs on the premises”
- Inform them that you’ll actually be voting for Gary Johnson in this election season.
- Secretly cover your roommate’s pillows in Gorilla glue and watch as hilarity ensues
- Prescribe them each “50mgs of get the fuck off my bed Carl” to be taken daily before every meal
- Summon the previous owners of the room so they can watch as the cycle continues
- Congratulate the both of them on being Time Magazine’s Person of The Year, 2004
- Point their bed towards Mecca
- Wash your roommates back during the act and then ask for compensation
- Assign each of them participation grades which will count for 25% of their overall letter grade at the end of the semester
- Take a picture of their lovemaking and use it as your Christmas card
- Lay down straight on top of them in an attempt to bring planking back
- Become frustrated as you try to explain but they don’t understand… they never understand
- Replace their pillowcases with the crinkly new Sun Chips bags
- Wrap them in saran wrap and save it for an afternoon snack
- Light their sheets on fire and convince them it was caused by the vicious rubbing of their thighs
- Rig all their condoms with bombs that will explode if they go below 60 mph
- Shower them with fresh produce picked by well-paid, completely legal immigrants
- Give them a trench coat and one other person. They’ll know what to do
- Explain to them the mechanics of an ant trap while high fiving his partner
- Tell them that 6 never actually ate 7 and was actually framed due to racial profiling
- Tussle your roommate’s hair and tell him he’s “making papa proud”
- Put the bed on the ceiling and the ceiling on the floor
- Offer them Coca-Cola but then retract the offer and ask if Pepsi is alright
- Invite your roommate’s sociology professor to cheer him on
- Get in on that shit dude