Tag Archives: Sex

No Sex on Thursday: My Mom and I Watched Them Pick the Wrong House on House Hunters International And Then I Went to Bed at 9PM

By Miley Mortgage

I know you sexually frustrated quarintiners probably want me to tell you some empowering story about me letting go of my insecurities while getting my pussy stuffed by three strangers in the clocktower. Maybe you’d like to read a feel-good tale of how I finally taught Jake the difference between the urethra and the clitoris. But this week, all I have is a very unerotic story about a completely mundane weeknight where I lounged on the couch in sweatpants and watched HGTV with my mom.

To be clear, there will be absolutely nothing sensual, salacious, or even mildly titillating in this article henceforth. No one would blame you for turning around at this point.

With that disclaimer out of the way let me just tell you something: These people on House Hunters International had NO BUSINESS moving to Prague whatsoever. First of all, only one of them had a job (he was a footwear model), and neither of them spoke any Czech. That might be an issue don’t you think? Also, this guy was dead set on living out in the country, while she refused to even consider a property outside the city center. Why didn’t they decide on that before they went on the show?! At the same time, they had this enormous wish list of items and a budget of only €250 per month. I definitely don’t think they needed three bedrooms or a personal office space. Then, when the realtor would show them properties they could actually afford that didn’t have some of the things they were asking for, they had the audacity to get mad at her. Madness!

I tried raising some of these concerns to my mom, but she wasn’t paying attention because she was on her phone sending me pinterest posts of “fun diy crafts” we should “totally make together” during isolation.

Finally the episode was about to end. They were about to choose between three properties: 1) The downtown studio that was over their budget and located directly over a noisy nightclub with no working washer and dryer 2) The fully finished suburban loft in their price range with two bedrooms and an outdoor patio space located minutes from the train station (obviously the correct choice) 3) The over budget fixer-upper 35 minutes from town with three bedrooms but no central heating system. The morons went with number three. 

Right after the couple made their questionable selection, the show fast forwarded to six months later, after they had already moved in. Unsurprisingly, there were still renovations going on. I guess the extra bedroom wasn’t such a bad idea after all though, because they had added a roommate up into the mix. The guy’s parents had moved in with them, which given current events probably didn’t turn out too well for him.

After the show was over, I downed a whole bottle of wine and promptly passed out in my bed at 9pm. This is the end of the article.

Quiz: Can The Guy from Tinder Really Help You With Your Homework?

So you’ve matched with this guy from Tinder, and wouldn’t you know, it turns out you’re both taking the same Bio course this semester! After engaging in the classic conversation starters and mentioning the prelim you bombed, he offers to help and tutor you. It seems like your lucky day that this “IVY League//STUDENT Athlete” has offered his assistance in Principles of Biochemistry: Proteins and Metabolisms.

Yet, you begin to wonder: Is it too good to be true? Is Bradley the Animal Science major from Utah for real? Or could the six-foot football linebacker possibly have ulterior motives? These questions are a lot to process, but never fear: this quiz is here to help.

1. How attractive is he?


2. What opener did he use on you?


3. What’s the most interesting pic in his profile?


4. Where does he normally sit in the lecture hall?


5. What’s his iClicker strategy?


6. What kind of music is in his profile?


7. You just gave him your number. What’s the first picture he sends you?


8. Where does he want to hold the study date?


Champagne and Shackles Not Kinky Enough? Try These Alternative Date Nights:

Absinthe and Anal

Body Shots and Butt Plugs

Cocktails and Cock Rings

Daiquiris and Double Penetration

Eggnog and Edging

Fireball and Facials

Grey Goose and Golden Showers

Hennessy and Hot Wax

Irish Whiskey and Inflatables

Jungle Juice and Japanese Tentacles

Keg Stands and Kidnappings

Limoncello and Leashes

Moonshine and Muzzle Gags

Natty and Nipple Clamps

Oxy and Orgasm Denial

Patron and Penis Gags

Quaaludes and Queefs

Rum and Reluctant Handjobs

Sake and Spanking

Tequila and Toe Sucking

Unicorn Tears and Ukrainian Separatism

Vodka and Violence

Whiskey and Weapons-Grade Uranium

Xanax and Xenophobia

Yaguara and “Yes Daddy harder”

just fucking kill someone and then gangbang a pumpkin

The Next Sigmund Freud? This Psychology Student Wants to Fuck His Mom!

GOLDWIN SMITH HALL—Thought you were a special student? Think again! After years of studying psychology, Francis Elkhart ‘21 is making a name for himself as the next Sigmund Freud. His secret? He has an unrelenting desire to fuck his mother!

No other psychology student has anything close to Francis’s gift for wanting to schlong his mama. Tough luck for all you fakers and penis-envy posers who spend all night studying. You’ll never have the natural talent or the heart-pumping, mom-fucking passion of Francis.

Ever since he was four years old, Francis knew two things for sure: he wanted to become a psychologist and he wanted to make fervent love to the one who birthed him. And if that wasn’t enough, Francis’ younger sister is already planning to fuck half of Asia in the style of prominent former politician Genghis Khan. Guess some of these things just run in the family!

Worship On Thursdays: My Intimate Night With the Holy Spirit

It was last weekend when he came to me. I was sitting in my dorm late Saturday night, once again alone and lusting for something more.

He appeared right as I was falling asleep. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw the booklet of gospel hymns that was thrust towards me on Ho Plaza the week before. It was as if he was calling to me.

I turned the page and immediately felt the rush of my lord all over me. From singing “I’ll Fly Away” to “Amazing Grace,” he continuously entered my soul until I was completely out of breath.

Lying on my bed, as sweat dripped down my face, I thought I’d had enough. But I needed more. I rummaged through my belongings to find the Bible my grandma threw in my suitcase before I left home.

I never would have thought that I’d be able to last so long; it was only my first time. But we went on, verse after verse, until the sun began to rise.

Finally, it was his time to go. I sent him off on my knees, reciting his prayers, gleefully waiting until we would meet again.

Innovative! This Student Didn’t Lose Any Important Documents During The Blackout Because She Was Watching Pornography

The campus blackout was definitely unexpected, and for anyone who was in the middle of doing homework when their internet cut out, that absolutely sucks. But you have to admire the forethought that Allie Jacobson ‘19 put into her day when the power cut out and she didn’t lose any important documents on her computer because she was watching porn!

Why didn’t we think of that?!

It’s always a good practice to constantly save anything you’re working on in case something unexpected happens, but it’s probably even better practice to watch two hotties (or maybe more!) having sex just in case the Cornell power plant shuts down. You never know, so it’s better to be prepared.

“I didn’t notice the electricity went off because I watch my hard core erotica in the dark. I actually believe that’s the best case scenario to be in if all the lights go out anyways” said Allie, whose helpful advice will save us so much trouble in the future if and when another outage happens.

The even more amazing part? Allie didn’t even have to stop watching porn when she lost her internet because she had already downloaded so much on her computer.

69 Ways To Spice Up Your Roommate’s Sex Life

Don’t you hate when your roommate is banging his significant other and their amount of spice is sorely lacking? We sure used to, until we came up with 69 sure-fire ways to spice up their raucous fuck sessions!

  1.  Officiate a marriage between them
  2. Throw the two of them oxygen masks and claim they’re in a 747 headed straight into the Indian ocean
  3. Dress up as a child and ask why they’re fighting
  4. Drop an already busted pair of glasses and claim they broke them
  5. Replace their mattress with a thin mixture of gelatin and crushed up VHS copies of TMNT 2: Secret of the Ooze
  6. Roleplay as the iceberg from Titanic and allow them to be the front hull of the ship
  7. Assassinate archduke Franz Ferdinand resulting in the beginning of a war that would claim the lives of millions
  8. Ask them if they would fuck you, because you’d fuck you
  9. Look your roommate in the eyes and eat a whole pizza in one big gulp
  10. Attach ankle bracelets to each of them and claim they’re under house arrest for banging too hard
  11. Attempt to sell them on a beautiful Floridian timeshare for which their raucous bang sessions would be more appropriate
  12. Say freeze, rearrange them in a different position, then yell action
  13. Whip each of them with a towel and call them “dweebs”
  14. Walk up to them with a tray of lemonade and tell them they’ve been working so hard that they deserve a nice, long break
  15. Claim the lemonade you’ve given them is 100% juice when in reality it’s made from concentrate
  16. Ask for your favorite subway order and ask for a refund when they accidentally put on pickles. You hate pickles
  17. Convert him to Judaism and then proceed to circumcise him on the spot
  18. Rip off one of the bedposts and then deny all responsibility, blaming it on their “raucous bang seshes”
  19. Put a mistletoe under his bed so the rats below have to kiss
  20. During their fiery coitus, read them discriminatory fortune cookie fortunes
  21. Pretend that they’re trying out for the roles of two penguins in March of the Penguins and you’re the casting director
  22. Order Chinese delivery directly to their bed
  23. Give your roommate’s partner a list of every person he/she has slept with in order of the quality of their eyelashes
  24. Dress up in a sailor suit and yell “I’m commandeering this fuck ship”
  25. Explain to them why Spike Lee was a poor choice for the American adaptation of Oldboy
  26. Place a signpost in front of his bed that states “you are now entering Fucktown USA”
  27. Set up a lie detector test and then ask them if they’re fucking.
  28. Send Dennis Rodman into the bedroom as an ambassador for “North Vagina”
  29. Put them in handcuffs and take ‘em downtown where scum like them belong
  30. Replace the bed springs with ceramic matryoshka dolls
  31. Film them in the act and screen it to critical acclaim at the Sundance Film Festival
  32. Fill the bed with mouse traps and refer to them as “my itty bitty mice”
  33. Explain to them the dangers of smoking “the reefer”
  34. Use the scientific method to figure out whether they be bangin’
  35. Tag your roommate out when he’s a looking a bit beat up and swap in
  36. Write your roommate a fake allergy letter to get him an air conditioned dick
  37. Replace their condoms with condors and claim that the pharmacy must’ve made a typo
  38. Dress up in a latex gimp suit and fake a life-threatening allergic reaction, a tragedy which ruins the moment at first but eventually makes their relationship stronger due to them bonding over your recovery
  39. Replace his bed sheets with a laminated print of the Communist manifesto
  40. Prick their ears for lactic acid buildup so you know they’re trying
  41. Give a live, in-depth commentary with famed color commentator John Madden
  42. Calmly remind your roommate that if his partner is a cop, they have to tell him
  43. Tell them that, for only the cost of one cup of coffee, they can contribute to a fund for sexiled roommates
  44. Hand them two tickets for Boner-roo 2016
  45. Demand to see your lawyer “before any sexing occurs on the premises”
  46. Inform them that you’ll actually be voting for Gary Johnson in this election season.
  47. Secretly cover your roommate’s pillows in Gorilla glue and watch as hilarity ensues
  48. Prescribe them each “50mgs of get the fuck off my bed Carl” to be taken daily before every meal
  49. Summon the previous owners of the room so they can watch as the cycle continues
  50. Congratulate the both of them on being Time Magazine’s Person of The Year, 2004
  51. Point their bed towards Mecca
  52. Wash your roommates back during the act and then ask for compensation
  53. Assign each of them participation grades which will count for 25% of their overall letter grade at the end of the semester
  54. Take a picture of their lovemaking and use it as your Christmas card
  55. Lay down straight on top of them in an attempt to bring planking back
  56. Become frustrated as you try to explain but they don’t understand… they never understand
  57. Replace their pillowcases with the crinkly new Sun Chips bags
  58. Wrap them in saran wrap and save it for an afternoon snack
  59. Light their sheets on fire and convince them it was caused by the vicious rubbing of their thighs
  60. Rig all their condoms with bombs that will explode if they go below 60 mph
  61. Shower them with fresh produce picked by well-paid, completely legal immigrants
  62. Give them a trench coat and one other person. They’ll know what to do
  63. Explain to them the mechanics of an ant trap while high fiving his partner
  64. Tell them that 6 never actually ate 7 and was actually framed due to racial profiling
  65. Tussle your roommate’s hair and tell him he’s “making papa proud”
  66. Put the bed on the ceiling and the ceiling on the floor
  67. Offer them Coca-Cola but then retract the offer and ask if Pepsi is alright
  68. Invite your roommate’s sociology professor to cheer him on
  69.  Get in on that shit dude