October 25, 2016

69 Ways To Spice Up Your Roommate’s Sex Life

Don’t you hate when your roommate is banging his significant other and their amount of spice is sorely lacking? We sure used to, until we came up with 69 sure-fire ways to spice up their raucous fuck sessions!

  1.  Officiate a marriage between them
  2. Throw the two of them oxygen masks and claim they’re in a 747 headed straight into the Indian ocean
  3. Dress up as a child and ask why they’re fighting
  4. Drop an already busted pair of glasses and claim they broke them
  5. Replace their mattress with a thin mixture of gelatin and crushed up VHS copies of TMNT 2: Secret of the Ooze
  6. Roleplay as the iceberg from Titanic and allow them to be the front hull of the ship
  7. Assassinate archduke Franz Ferdinand resulting in the beginning of a war that would claim the lives of millions
  8. Ask them if they would fuck you, because you’d fuck you
  9. Look your roommate in the eyes and eat a whole pizza in one big gulp
  10. Attach ankle bracelets to each of them and claim they’re under house arrest for banging too hard
  11. Attempt to sell them on a beautiful Floridian timeshare for which their raucous bang sessions would be more appropriate
  12. Say freeze, rearrange them in a different position, then yell action
  13. Whip each of them with a towel and call them “dweebs”
  14. Walk up to them with a tray of lemonade and tell them they’ve been working so hard that they deserve a nice, long break
  15. Claim the lemonade you’ve given them is 100% juice when in reality it’s made from concentrate
  16. Ask for your favorite subway order and ask for a refund when they accidentally put on pickles. You hate pickles
  17. Convert him to Judaism and then proceed to circumcise him on the spot
  18. Rip off one of the bedposts and then deny all responsibility, blaming it on their “raucous bang seshes”
  19. Put a mistletoe under his bed so the rats below have to kiss
  20. During their fiery coitus, read them discriminatory fortune cookie fortunes
  21. Pretend that they’re trying out for the roles of two penguins in March of the Penguins and you’re the casting director
  22. Order Chinese delivery directly to their bed
  23. Give your roommate’s partner a list of every person he/she has slept with in order of the quality of their eyelashes
  24. Dress up in a sailor suit and yell “I’m commandeering this fuck ship”
  25. Explain to them why Spike Lee was a poor choice for the American adaptation of Oldboy
  26. Place a signpost in front of his bed that states “you are now entering Fucktown USA”
  27. Set up a lie detector test and then ask them if they’re fucking.
  28. Send Dennis Rodman into the bedroom as an ambassador for “North Vagina”
  29. Put them in handcuffs and take ‘em downtown where scum like them belong
  30. Replace the bed springs with ceramic matryoshka dolls
  31. Film them in the act and screen it to critical acclaim at the Sundance Film Festival
  32. Fill the bed with mouse traps and refer to them as “my itty bitty mice”
  33. Explain to them the dangers of smoking “the reefer”
  34. Use the scientific method to figure out whether they be bangin’
  35. Tag your roommate out when he’s a looking a bit beat up and swap in
  36. Write your roommate a fake allergy letter to get him an air conditioned dick
  37. Replace their condoms with condors and claim that the pharmacy must’ve made a typo
  38. Dress up in a latex gimp suit and fake a life-threatening allergic reaction, a tragedy which ruins the moment at first but eventually makes their relationship stronger due to them bonding over your recovery
  39. Replace his bed sheets with a laminated print of the Communist manifesto
  40. Prick their ears for lactic acid buildup so you know they’re trying
  41. Give a live, in-depth commentary with famed color commentator John Madden
  42. Calmly remind your roommate that if his partner is a cop, they have to tell him
  43. Tell them that, for only the cost of one cup of coffee, they can contribute to a fund for sexiled roommates
  44. Hand them two tickets for Boner-roo 2016
  45. Demand to see your lawyer “before any sexing occurs on the premises”
  46. Inform them that you’ll actually be voting for Gary Johnson in this election season.
  47. Secretly cover your roommate’s pillows in Gorilla glue and watch as hilarity ensues
  48. Prescribe them each “50mgs of get the fuck off my bed Carl” to be taken daily before every meal
  49. Summon the previous owners of the room so they can watch as the cycle continues
  50. Congratulate the both of them on being Time Magazine’s Person of The Year, 2004
  51. Point their bed towards Mecca
  52. Wash your roommates back during the act and then ask for compensation
  53. Assign each of them participation grades which will count for 25% of their overall letter grade at the end of the semester
  54. Take a picture of their lovemaking and use it as your Christmas card
  55. Lay down straight on top of them in an attempt to bring planking back
  56. Become frustrated as you try to explain but they don’t understand… they never understand
  57. Replace their pillowcases with the crinkly new Sun Chips bags
  58. Wrap them in saran wrap and save it for an afternoon snack
  59. Light their sheets on fire and convince them it was caused by the vicious rubbing of their thighs
  60. Rig all their condoms with bombs that will explode if they go below 60 mph
  61. Shower them with fresh produce picked by well-paid, completely legal immigrants
  62. Give them a trench coat and one other person. They’ll know what to do
  63. Explain to them the mechanics of an ant trap while high fiving his partner
  64. Tell them that 6 never actually ate 7 and was actually framed due to racial profiling
  65. Tussle your roommate’s hair and tell him he’s “making papa proud”
  66. Put the bed on the ceiling and the ceiling on the floor
  67. Offer them Coca-Cola but then retract the offer and ask if Pepsi is alright
  68. Invite your roommate’s sociology professor to cheer him on
  69.  Get in on that shit dude

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