Tag Archives: Dorm Life

How To Justify To Marie Kondo That Empty Alcohol Bottles Bring You Joy

It might feel like Ithaca winter will drag on forever, but spring cleaning time will be here before you know it. And who better to consult for advice than Marie Kondo, author of the best-selling “The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up” and star of her eponymous Netflix series?

So here’s the dealio – Marie’s method tells us to reflect on each of our belongings (yes, even your crusty old mouthguard) and keep them only if they spark joy.

You might be tempted to toss that economics textbook, but remember: the textbook helps you pass the class, which helps you graduate with a degree in Finance, which will score you a cushy Wall Street job. And money sure brings you joy!

A way tougher conundrum comes in the form of those empty bottles of Svedka lining the top of your kitchen cabinets. Sure, knocking back a cold one brings you all sorts of joy, but Mrs. Kondo might insist that you thank the bottle for its service and discard it, now that it’s outlived its usefulness.

Not so fast! You’ve got a strong claim that those bottles are still presently bringing you joy.  They’re a reminder of a happier, simpler time, like last Thursday, when you downed a magnum bottle of Barefoot White Zinfandel by yourself in the dark because you got your fourth job rejection in a week. These bottles show you’re chill! You can hang! You’re one of the bros!

Sure, your mom might cry every time she walks into your dingy Collegetown apartment because her “worst fears have been realized” and you’re “turning out just like your father,” but think of how informational your collection is! Move over, FiveThirtyEight, this is a real-life infographic of all the fun you’ve had.

Armed with these arguments, you are prepared to stand up to Marie Kondo for your right to amass years of party remnants for all to see. Although, you could probably just avoid all of this conflict in the first place by passing on spring cleaning this go-around.

Red Flag? My Roommate’s Spotify Wrapped Looks Like He’s Really Going Through Some Shit

Well, it’s that time of year again- Spotify Wrapped season, when the streaming platform reminds us all what we spent the past 12 months listening to. My suitemates and I took a break from studying to show our Wrappeds to each other and it became quickly clear that Barney might be going through some heavy stuff. 

While most of us were reminded of all the time we spent listening to Ed Sheeran, Taylor Swift, and Lizzo, our roommate, Barney Davidson, apparently spent the majority of his year repeatedly listening to dark, confessional explorations of loneliness, alcoholism, breakups, and loss. Man, what’s been up in his life?

According to Spotify’s automatically generated presentation, our sounds changed with the season. For Barney, it seemed to change from bad to worse. Barney’s summer was populated by normal album covers by The Beatles, The Wu-Tang Clan, and Childish Gambino, but by fall these were replaced by Sam Smith, Frank Ocean, Jeff Rosenstock, and even Hank Williams oddly enough.

I mean, he seems fine, but now that I think about it, he does play “Life Goes On” by 2Pac like every time he showers. I guess I should probably ask if he’s doing okay.

UPDATE: False alarm everyone, I asked Barney if everything was cool, and his halfhearted and breathy “yeah, I’m fine” assured me that we’re all good. Here’s to another great year of streaming!

Move-In Disaster: This Freshman Only Brought Fireworks and Spider Lamps

Look, we all know the freshman struggle, stressing about what to bring to school and making sure we have everything we need for the first year of college. And hey, maybe you forgot to bring a few things, or maybe even took along something prohibited by mistake! But one freshman this year takes the cake for biggest move-in blunders. Devon Mackenzie ’20 showed up at Court Hall with – get this – seven boxes of fireworks and spider lamps, and nothing else.


Devon! What were you thinking?!?

I mean, you’ve got to feel a little bad for this kid. How was he supposed to know that explosives and potentially dangerous lighting fixtures weren’t going to fly in CKB? Mistakes happen, and I understand that. But honestly, this guy didn’t even bring a toothbrush or an extra pair of socks. Literally only fireworks and spider lamps. In college, that just won’t cut it.


I don’t know where you’re from, Devon, but here in Ithaca we do things a bit differently. If you want to survive four years at Cornell University, you’re going to need to get a good winter coat, a durable pair of boots, and you’ll really need to talk to the police about all of those fireworks.

Gross! This Roommate Forgot to Throw Out His Decomposing Goat Carcass Before Break

We’ve all heard awful roommate stories before, but none as bad as this.

After Spring Break, Dylan Murphy ‘19 returned to his Becker Hall dorm only to discover, to his dismay, that his roommate Chad Stapleton ‘19 accidentally left a bloody goat carcass from their vernal equinox pagan sacrifice out in the open for THE ENTIRE BREAK.

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Ew! What gives, Stapleton? Trying to win the Worst Roommate of the Year Award?

Stapleton was supposed to properly dispose of the goat before closing up the room, but foolishly thought that either the Norse god Freyr would consume it or the Becker cleaning crew would throw it out instead.

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“Now my room smells like rotten meat,” said an infuriated Murphy. “Thanks a lot, Chad.”

As if matters could get any worse, both roommates were fined during room inspections because Stapleton forgot to hide an extension cord. Good going, you idiot!

69 Ways To Spice Up Your Roommate’s Sex Life

Don’t you hate when your roommate is banging his significant other and their amount of spice is sorely lacking? We sure used to, until we came up with 69 sure-fire ways to spice up their raucous fuck sessions!

  1.  Officiate a marriage between them
  2. Throw the two of them oxygen masks and claim they’re in a 747 headed straight into the Indian ocean
  3. Dress up as a child and ask why they’re fighting
  4. Drop an already busted pair of glasses and claim they broke them
  5. Replace their mattress with a thin mixture of gelatin and crushed up VHS copies of TMNT 2: Secret of the Ooze
  6. Roleplay as the iceberg from Titanic and allow them to be the front hull of the ship
  7. Assassinate archduke Franz Ferdinand resulting in the beginning of a war that would claim the lives of millions
  8. Ask them if they would fuck you, because you’d fuck you
  9. Look your roommate in the eyes and eat a whole pizza in one big gulp
  10. Attach ankle bracelets to each of them and claim they’re under house arrest for banging too hard
  11. Attempt to sell them on a beautiful Floridian timeshare for which their raucous bang sessions would be more appropriate
  12. Say freeze, rearrange them in a different position, then yell action
  13. Whip each of them with a towel and call them “dweebs”
  14. Walk up to them with a tray of lemonade and tell them they’ve been working so hard that they deserve a nice, long break
  15. Claim the lemonade you’ve given them is 100% juice when in reality it’s made from concentrate
  16. Ask for your favorite subway order and ask for a refund when they accidentally put on pickles. You hate pickles
  17. Convert him to Judaism and then proceed to circumcise him on the spot
  18. Rip off one of the bedposts and then deny all responsibility, blaming it on their “raucous bang seshes”
  19. Put a mistletoe under his bed so the rats below have to kiss
  20. During their fiery coitus, read them discriminatory fortune cookie fortunes
  21. Pretend that they’re trying out for the roles of two penguins in March of the Penguins and you’re the casting director
  22. Order Chinese delivery directly to their bed
  23. Give your roommate’s partner a list of every person he/she has slept with in order of the quality of their eyelashes
  24. Dress up in a sailor suit and yell “I’m commandeering this fuck ship”
  25. Explain to them why Spike Lee was a poor choice for the American adaptation of Oldboy
  26. Place a signpost in front of his bed that states “you are now entering Fucktown USA”
  27. Set up a lie detector test and then ask them if they’re fucking.
  28. Send Dennis Rodman into the bedroom as an ambassador for “North Vagina”
  29. Put them in handcuffs and take ‘em downtown where scum like them belong
  30. Replace the bed springs with ceramic matryoshka dolls
  31. Film them in the act and screen it to critical acclaim at the Sundance Film Festival
  32. Fill the bed with mouse traps and refer to them as “my itty bitty mice”
  33. Explain to them the dangers of smoking “the reefer”
  34. Use the scientific method to figure out whether they be bangin’
  35. Tag your roommate out when he’s a looking a bit beat up and swap in
  36. Write your roommate a fake allergy letter to get him an air conditioned dick
  37. Replace their condoms with condors and claim that the pharmacy must’ve made a typo
  38. Dress up in a latex gimp suit and fake a life-threatening allergic reaction, a tragedy which ruins the moment at first but eventually makes their relationship stronger due to them bonding over your recovery
  39. Replace his bed sheets with a laminated print of the Communist manifesto
  40. Prick their ears for lactic acid buildup so you know they’re trying
  41. Give a live, in-depth commentary with famed color commentator John Madden
  42. Calmly remind your roommate that if his partner is a cop, they have to tell him
  43. Tell them that, for only the cost of one cup of coffee, they can contribute to a fund for sexiled roommates
  44. Hand them two tickets for Boner-roo 2016
  45. Demand to see your lawyer “before any sexing occurs on the premises”
  46. Inform them that you’ll actually be voting for Gary Johnson in this election season.
  47. Secretly cover your roommate’s pillows in Gorilla glue and watch as hilarity ensues
  48. Prescribe them each “50mgs of get the fuck off my bed Carl” to be taken daily before every meal
  49. Summon the previous owners of the room so they can watch as the cycle continues
  50. Congratulate the both of them on being Time Magazine’s Person of The Year, 2004
  51. Point their bed towards Mecca
  52. Wash your roommates back during the act and then ask for compensation
  53. Assign each of them participation grades which will count for 25% of their overall letter grade at the end of the semester
  54. Take a picture of their lovemaking and use it as your Christmas card
  55. Lay down straight on top of them in an attempt to bring planking back
  56. Become frustrated as you try to explain but they don’t understand… they never understand
  57. Replace their pillowcases with the crinkly new Sun Chips bags
  58. Wrap them in saran wrap and save it for an afternoon snack
  59. Light their sheets on fire and convince them it was caused by the vicious rubbing of their thighs
  60. Rig all their condoms with bombs that will explode if they go below 60 mph
  61. Shower them with fresh produce picked by well-paid, completely legal immigrants
  62. Give them a trench coat and one other person. They’ll know what to do
  63. Explain to them the mechanics of an ant trap while high fiving his partner
  64. Tell them that 6 never actually ate 7 and was actually framed due to racial profiling
  65. Tussle your roommate’s hair and tell him he’s “making papa proud”
  66. Put the bed on the ceiling and the ceiling on the floor
  67. Offer them Coca-Cola but then retract the offer and ask if Pepsi is alright
  68. Invite your roommate’s sociology professor to cheer him on
  69.  Get in on that shit dude

Seriously? This Guy Took Your Clothes Out of the Washer, Then Licked All of Them!

Wow, who knew people like this even existed? You put your laundry in, wait almost an hour, then you come back to dry them only to discover some weirdo took them all out of the washer, put them on the counter and licked all of them. Those are my clothes you just licked!

Seriously, what the hell.

I was going to come back to get them in FIVE MINUTES. All you had to do was wait five minutes, but it looks like you just had to run your wet, slobbery tongue all over my wardrobe. That’s just crossing the line. Did my socks really taste that good, dude? Did they?

I can’t believe people like this exist. I understand that if it’s been more than ten minutes and I still haven’t moved my stuff into the dryer yet, probably a lot of people will want to lick my clean clothes. But I always try to grab them in under two minutes, and every single time I come back and find my best shirts drenched in saliva. Enough is enough already!

Sometimes I go into the laundry room and the machines are all full. I’ll admit, the thought of taking someone else’s clothes out of the washer and shoving them in my mouth is pretty tempting. But I try to be as polite as possible, and I’ll be sure to wait until the rightful owner of those clothes retrieves them so they can have something to wear tomorrow that hasn’t been nibbled on by a total stranger. And I suggest all of you follow my example.