Tag Archives: Student Assembly

Alice Song / Sun Staff Photographer

Crisis Averted! Almighty Student Assembly Obliterates ILR-HumEc Merger with Sternly-Worded Resolution

Dropping the cold hammer of institutional justice, the Student Assembly smote the unpopular ILR-Human Ecology merger this past week by passing an entirely symbolic Resolution. Whoopee!


The all-powerful protectors of the student body convened Wednesday and, with the ruthless efficiency we’ve come to expect from the SA, struck down the insidious proposal in one swift and brutal death blow. Student Government win!

The harshly disapproving resolution not only wiped away the fears felt by many that the administration is unresponsive to students, but it also quelled the doubts any might have had about whether the SA was anything other than a mighty shield against the forces seeking to undermine the university.

At press time, students in all colleges were resting easy knowing that the long arm of the SA would protect them whenever evil should rear its ugly head.

SJWs Beware: This Article WILL Trigger You

Offended already? Well you better buckle up, because this ain’t your average, play-it-safe humor thinkpiece.

We’re finally bringing it to you over-sensitive, politically-correct liberals – and you can’t hide from our First Amendment-delivered tirade of truth in your Tumblr posts and pinterest profiles.

Where are your safe spaces now??


If you’re looking for some warm milk and a pat on the back, you’ve come to the wrong article. This is more than microaggressive – it’s a macro-level slap right across the oppression.

Sorry SA members, SJW campus organizers, and affirmative-action-loving progressives, but we’re opening the floodgates of reality – so you better get a raft. And we don’t apologize.

How do your pronouns feel now, feminists?

Check Out The Student Assembly Seats That Are Up for Election This Fall!

Student Assembly elections start on September 26th! Do you know which SA positions are on the ballot this Fall? Take a look at the open seats here!

  • Song Leader
  • Slope Dude
  • Director of SA Committee for Un-Cornellian Activities
  • Mitt Romney
  • Senior Soothsayer
  • Dungeon Sweeper
  • Master of Ceremonies
  • Representative of Representatives to the Representatives of the House
  • Construction Maintenance Overlord
  • The guy who eats all of Hunter Rawlings’ food to make sure there’s no poison
  • Money Spender
  • Computer Daniel (two seats available)
  • Keeper of the Quads
  • Prototype
  • Caucasian Male Officer of Political Correctness
  • Freshman
  • Hall Monitor
  • Conservative Christian Archetype
  • Mascot
  • Long Lost Uncle
  • Intersectionality Rep
  • Court Jester
  • Socrates Quoter
  • Defense Against the Dark Arts Coordinator
  • Blue Lightbulb Changer
  • Guide Dog
  • Gorge Troll
  • Choir Boy
  • Clocktower
  • Pledgemaster
  • Adjunct Professor
  • Secretary of Defense
  • Cage Fight Officiator
  • Token Southpaw
  • Mommy
  • Corrupt Official

Nice! We can’t wait to vote on these seats next week!

Can You Tell a Student Assembly Meeting from Your Family Fighting at Thanksgiving?

There are plenty of impassioned discussions happening on and off campus! Do you think you can distinguish between a heated argument occurring in a Student Assembly meeting and a stressful dinner conversation between your relatives at Thanksgiving? It’s harder than you would think!

1. Which one of these conversations happened in your childhood home?


2. Which of these is an argument in a regularly scheduled SA meeting in Willard Straight Hall?


3. Does one of these sound like something you would hear your crazy relatives talking about? Which one is it?!


4. If Student Assembly gets one thing right, it’s thoughtful discussion and discourse! Which one of these conversations did the SA bicker about?


5. It’s good to know we have such effective leaders. Both at school and in our homes. But which of these happened at Cornell?