Tag Archives: wow

Erudite Scholar! This Engineer Actually Does The Optional Textbook Reading

October 21, 2020Uncategorizedacademic, Academics, Cornell, cornell university, Exams, Freshman, Freshmen, Student Life, wowNooz Staff

ZOOM—Obnoxiously trying to broaden his horizons and get the most out of his short time at Cornell, sophomore Alex Latell ‘23 is willing to go above and beyond the call of duty to understand Data Structures.

“When I asked my friends their thoughts on last week’s optional reading, they originally looked at me like I grew two heads,” said Latell as he happily flashed the cover of his latest foray into understanding the human condition, Infinite Jest. “But after I elucidated to them the importance of furthering one’s intellectual horizons through devout dedication to one’s classes, they assured me they too would strive to study the optional readings.”

Emboldened by his growing brain, Latell even volunteered to lead his recitation session to the abject horror of his professor. “While I love to see students engage with the material, Mr. Latell has taken it a bit far,” said Professor Altman as he joyously moved Latell’s line-by-line commentary to the trash. “These readings are supposed to be for fun about topics that interest you, not more homework.”

Despite spending more time on the class than the rest of his friend group, Latell somehow received the worst grade on his prelim. He maintains that he was “surprised” none of the optional readings were on the prelim, but he would remain committed to “expanding his ever growing mental encyclopedia of non-essential knowledge.”

Doing Her Part: Student Who Doesn’t Want Biden To Be Nominee Almost Gets Around To Requesting Absentee Ballot

March 3, 2020UncategorizedAbsentee Ballot, Balloting, Ballots, Campus Life, Cornell, Election 2020, Ithaca, Opinion, Politics, Primaries, Super Tuesday, wowNooz Staff

While some students may not care enough to engage in politics, Maya Pappas ’21 decided to fight for the country’s future by thinking about looking up how to get an absentee ballot sent to Ithaca.

“I’m no hero,” said the champion of democracy. “It’s just so obvious to me that Biden’s visibly deteriorating mental state and uninspiring civility-oriented pitch will make him all too easy for Trump to beat. I have a responsibility to tell myself I’ll figure out how to vote, before ultimately neglecting to do so.”

What an inspiration! As you’d expect, none of Maya’s friend’s were surprised at her brave probably upcoming stand. “She’s always the one to talk about politics and how terrible it would be if Biden won the primary,” said her friend Chris O’Shaughnessy ’21. “Of course she was the one who came the closest of any of us to voting.”

And don’t think this is the end of Maya’s activism: she already has big plans to complain a lot about how Biden managed to win the nomination with almost no support from young people after the primary is over.

How To Justify To Marie Kondo That Empty Alcohol Bottles Bring You Joy

February 6, 2020UncategorizedCampus Life, cleaning, Collegetown, comedy, Cornell, cornell university, Dorm Life, Freshman, Freshmen, happiness, joy, List, love, Student Life, Women, wowNooz Staff

It might feel like Ithaca winter will drag on forever, but spring cleaning time will be here before you know it. And who better to consult for advice than Marie Kondo, author of the best-selling “The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up” and star of her eponymous Netflix series?

So here’s the dealio – Marie’s method tells us to reflect on each of our belongings (yes, even your crusty old mouthguard) and keep them only if they spark joy.

You might be tempted to toss that economics textbook, but remember: the textbook helps you pass the class, which helps you graduate with a degree in Finance, which will score you a cushy Wall Street job. And money sure brings you joy!

A way tougher conundrum comes in the form of those empty bottles of Svedka lining the top of your kitchen cabinets. Sure, knocking back a cold one brings you all sorts of joy, but Mrs. Kondo might insist that you thank the bottle for its service and discard it, now that it’s outlived its usefulness.

Not so fast! You’ve got a strong claim that those bottles are still presently bringing you joy. They’re a reminder of a happier, simpler time, like last Thursday, when you downed a magnum bottle of Barefoot White Zinfandel by yourself in the dark because you got your fourth job rejection in a week. These bottles show you’re chill! You can hang! You’re one of the bros!

Sure, your mom might cry every time she walks into your dingy Collegetown apartment because her “worst fears have been realized” and you’re “turning out just like your father,” but think of how informational your collection is! Move over, FiveThirtyEight, this is a real-life infographic of all the fun you’ve had.

Armed with these arguments, you are prepared to stand up to Marie Kondo for your right to amass years of party remnants for all to see. Although, you could probably just avoid all of this conflict in the first place by passing on spring cleaning this go-around.

Heartwarming: When This Student In a Wheelchair Felt Left Out, These Brothers Helped Him Do a Keg Stand!

April 10, 2018Uncategorizedbeer, college, comedy, Cornell, disability, Drinking, Frat, Greek, inclusion, keg, Party, Social, wowNooz Staff

Adapting to College life can be tough for everyone, but imagine how hard it is for those of us facing physical disabilities. All of the social anxieties felt by being thrown into a new setting with dozens of people you’ve never met before get heightened by the palpable impairment that makes you feel completely different from everyone else.

This was especially true for Dwight Albert ‘21, who was paralyzed from the waist down when he was only four years old.

“Having a limited use of motor skills and using a wheelchair to get around is how I’ve lived for as long as I can remember, making it super tough to play even simple games like beer pong and slap cup, let alone do a keg stand,” said Albert.

When some people on his floor convinced him to go out last Saturday, Matthew was expecting more of the same: multiple sets of stares, awkward conversations, and just feeling out of place.

But right before Dwight was about to call it quits and head back to North, some brothers noticed he was looking a little down, and decided to completely turn his night around—or as some would say, upside-down!

“We just brought him over to the center of the room, helped him out of his wheelchair, and got him straightened out for the keg stand. He was a natural and everyone started chanting his name, it made the party that much better! He even was able to stay on there for 50 seconds, the longest of the night!” said Tanner Blake ’18, who originally had the idea to help out Dwight.

Wow! What an inspiring and uplifting story of brotherhood and compassion. Hopefully, this act of generosity can help make our campus a more inclusive place in the future!

QUIZ: Will You Drive Me Home for Fall Break?

October 5, 2017UncategorizedCornell, Fall Break, Quiz, ride, road trip, wowNooz Staff

Heartwarming: Ithaca Will Accept 50 Syrian Refugees and Steve from Cortland

December 9, 2016Uncategorizedcomedy, Cornell, Ithaca, refugees, satire, Svante Myrick, syria, syrian refugees, wowNooz Staff

Sometimes, a community comes together to make the world a better place. And that’s exactly what our inspiring little City on the Hill did when it was recently approved to accept 50 refugees, and also this guy Steve Schweitzer from Cortland.

Beautiful!

“We hope that we’ve made a positive impact on the lives of these refugees, and that they will in turn help our community grow. And I hear Steve is pretty cool dude too. He does construction management or something like that,” said Ithaca Mayor Svante Myrick.

Wow! We are so lucky to live in a progressive city with a Mayor dedicated to helping people across the world in need, even if one those people was doing fine beforehand but “just wanted to change things up, ya know?” by moving to Ithaca.

Many of the refugees come from war-torn cities and had to live in dangerous conditions before they were allowed to come to the US, and while Cortland is actually a fine town, Steve will probably like The Commons and Ithaca’s breathtaking gorges over wherever he would hang out there.

Wow. What an inspiring story!