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QUIZ: Will You Drive Me Home for Fall Break?

Nooz Staff7 years ago01 mins

It’s almost time for Fall Break, and I need to get home! Do you think you can give me a ride?

1. Do you have any room in your car?

Yes!

Yes, but the backlight broke so I need you to sit in the trunk, put your hand through the space where the light was, and rapidly open and close your fist when I’m signaling.

I ride a motorcycle, but if you provide one of those sidecar things alla Indiana Jones we could make something work.

I have room now, but once I fill spaces with other people, I won’t have any room. So no.

2. Are you going toward Westchester?

White Plains, here we come!!

Yes, but if I pass New Rochelle I will have an insatiable desire to drive to my ex-wife’s home and beg for her to take me back. I could use a wingman!

I’m actually going to Montreal for break. Apparently they have this special french fry there called poutine. That’s right, I am cultured.

I’m going to Long Island, but I like driving through Pennsylvania and New Jersey instead of taking Route 17, so it’s just not gonna work :///

3. Can you wait to leave until after my 2:55 discussion on Friday gets out?

As long as you can wait for my Friday evening lab!

Yes, but you need to run like your life depends on it once you get out of class – I will have stolen everything from the Johnson Museum, and we will be on hot pursuit.

Really? Like, you’re actually asking me that?

Fuck no.

4. Need a car DJ? I have the BEST road playlist.

I am FAR too enthusiastic for your music!

Yes, but I only have a cassette player. And I only listen to John Cougar Mellencamp’s “Jack & Diane.” So as long as you bring cassettes only consisting of JCM’s “Jack & Diane,” that would be great!

More of a podcast kinda gal

This is insulting. I am a member of Cornell Concert Commission. You petulant fool! NEVER ask for the aux cord AGAIN. NEVER!

5. I must unload details of my personal life to someone for four to five hours. Is it ok if I vent along the way?

I’m here if you need to talk.

Yes, but I won’t be listening. I like to meditate when I drive; this means eyes closed, legs folded, and whale songs over earbuds. I have a terrible driving record.

Let me help you right now – God is dead and life is meaningless. Cool?

Karen I swear I will crash us both into a tree if you bring up Josh again. I’m serious. No Josh.

6. I could chip in for gas if you need!

That would be so kind!

Sounds great – just so you know, my car runs on plutonium. My car doesn’t time travel, but it will cause radiation.

I reject all forms of capital. This is an insult to our dear lord and savior Karl Marx

Oh, that’s nice, but you don’t need – YES OBVIOUSLY YOU WOULD HELP PAY

7. I have a comically small bladder. Can we stop for pee breaks?

As a rule, I urinate after every other highway exit. Just in case you hit traffic later and have to hold it in!

Perfect! I am collecting urine for… an experiment. If you could pee in the empty water bottles scattered across the car floor, I’ll be a happy camper!

No breaks. Breaks reduce efficiency. I must remain in motion.

Spare me. Take the fucking Shortline for christ sake

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