This Halloween, you’re likely to run into scary clowns, ghosts, and even bloodied school children. You might hear stories about the vicious wolves, giant bats, or the others thousands of beasts that could tear your body apart, limb by limb. Yet, despite of all these distractions, always remember what the real monster is. You might…
It was last weekend when he came to me. I was sitting in my dorm late Saturday night, once again alone and lusting for something more. He appeared right as I was falling asleep. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw the booklet of gospel hymns that was thrust towards me on Ho…
Darren Stintman “thought” he was just gonna take your regular ol’ garden variety swim test, but when he arrived at Helen-Newman, Darren “realized” he had made a big no-no. He showed up to the swim test in just a tiny, tiny speedo. Nothing else! Despite repeated pleading from the instructor that Darren go home and…
Race relations on campus have been, to be frank, a little tense. As a white male, it has been really eye-opening to see the challenges people of color face in areas even as liberal as Cornell. Luckily, it seems that those racist blips that occurred a few weeks ago are a thing of the past,…
Red alert to all milk-lovers out there! If you thought you and your milk were safe, think again. Big Betty, Cornell Dairy’s most reliable and easy-flowing cow, has gone rogue, and she’s coming to steal all her milk back! That’s right. Last last night, in one of Cornell Dairy’s most historic security breaches to…
People from Donlon are more likely to have more than one penis 17% of the class doesn’t think Morrill Hall Exists 37% of the class has woken up with a horse head in their bed. The other 63% better let us do the talkin’ 100% of the freshman class wants to fuck…