October 3, 2019

Foiled Again! This Week’s Sex on Thursdays Too Woke to Jerk Off To

We’ve all been there: It’s a Thursday night; none of your roommates are home; it’s just you, a box of tissues and the steamiest newspaper column on campus: Sex on Thursdays. But this week’s sex on Thursdays article is causing problems left and right for readers: It’s so woke that beating your meat to it would be disrespectful to sexual liberation and the feminist movement as a whole. Damn it!

The article, which features powerful critiques of the male gaze flawlessly woven into vivid descriptions of sexual intercourse, is confusing penises throughout the Cornell community.

“I was all nestled up in bed, ready to get my S.O.T. thang on, but as soon as I started reading, the only thing my hand wanted to do was give snaps of affirmation.” said Bradley Chou ‘22.

Many Cornellians who routinely masturbate to the column have resorted to extreme measures to get their fix of raunchy content that is free of gender politics and body positivity. “I just went on PornHub instead.” Said feminist Alex Peterson ‘20.

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