October 2, 2019

5 Foolproof Ways to Get the Mac’s Cashiers to Take BRBs After 3

Do you ever find yourself on central campus at 3:15 p.m. with a hankering for a delicious Mac’s Cafe flatbread, only to realize that Statler Hotel’s premier deli shop only accepts big red bucks up until 3? How unfair! Everyone knows BRB’s are just free money that appears out of thin air, yet these bastards still ask you to hand over your real actual U.S. dollars. Unacceptable! Fortunately, CU Nooz is here to help.

Try these #MacsHacks on for size, and never pay sales tax on your $35 chop salad ever again!

1. Weaponize the Situation: Always have a slip of paper in your pocket that just says “I have a gun” on it. Give this piece of paper to the cashier with your Cornell ID. They’re never gonna track you down! How could they? It’s not like they have your name, picture, or ID number.2. Go Nuclear: Right after they reject your first attempt to pay with BRBs, dash over to the courtesy microwave, chuck in your phone, wallet, and any valuables, and mash that “Popcorn” button. Not only is that microwave about to pop off like Tesla coils at Tomorrow Land, but there goes any other means of payment. 3. War of Attrition: Like Stalingrad in February. No matter how much time passes or how long the line behind you gets, continuously pretend like you’re searching for your wallet and cannot find it. Once the line stretches into Sullivan County and the looting has started, they’ll be forced to get you paid and out of the way in mere seconds.

4. Pocket Sand: As you approach the register, reach into your pocket, where you’ve already stashed a hefty amount of coarse sand. The key is to momentarily blind the cashier and make a quick, clean getaway. When the timing is just right, blast them square in the face. The effect is similar to being slammed into a sandbar during a riptide; you’ll have at least 5 minutes to make a hasty retreat.

5. Burn the Boats: Does your Cornell ID say Hernán Cortés? Well, today it does. Light your wallet on fire in front of their very eyes. There is no retreat. Succeed or perish.

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