While engineering students across campus prepared their pitches for upcoming career fairs and other recruitment events, mechanical engineering student and future perpetrator of genocide Kayla Chen ‘22 couldn’t wait to tell recruiters about her passion for “helping others” and “doing what’s right.” Talk about a Girl Boss! “There’s been so much buzz around recruiting season…
A number of students have expressed concern that the Fall 2020 semester may be virtual. However, local freedom fighter Madison Thorwart ‘21 went the extra mile, authoring a heartfelt Facebook post begging for an in-person fall semester prior to attending a 100-person Collegetown darty. Thorwart posted the following last Saturday at 10:08 AM: “My fellow…
It was a regular old Sunday morning, which meant dialing in for my extended family’s Sunday brunch Zoom call, and something about the way his face was getting red told me Uncle Gary was about to turn a whole lot of people dying into some political stance. I’d seen Gary’s Facebook tirades about how state…
By Miley Mortgage I know you sexually frustrated quarintiners probably want me to tell you some empowering story about me letting go of my insecurities while getting my pussy stuffed by three strangers in the clocktower. Maybe you’d like to read a feel-good tale of how I finally taught Jake the difference between the urethra…
This post is sponsored by CUPB! Cornell University Program Board is proud to (virtually) welcome Hannibal Buress, a cast member on Broad City and co-host on the Eric Andre Show. This FREE moderated and audience Q&A is only open to the Cornell Community on a first come, first serve basis. Hannibal will be reading your…
It was just after I had returned from school on account of this whole coronavirus thing that I noticed dad was seeming a little more agitated than usual. Normally, he’s full of life, repeating Fox news talking points and complaining about incompetent employees at his office. Now, he’s stuck at home, and he keeps muttering…
The recent announcement from the Cornell administration has hit the student body hard—but even when grieving, it is important for us to follow the CDC guidelines on avoiding the spread of COVID-19! Wondering how to wipe your leaking eyes while being careful to keep your hands from touching your face? We have some effective, no-mess…
Today is International Women’s Day. Better known as March 8th, today is a day on which we celebrate the many achievements of women around the world. As a woman, I have had several accomplishments that have made this day worth celebrating, but nothing takes the cake quite like getting a job even after my interviewer…
While some students may not care enough to engage in politics, Maya Pappas ’21 decided to fight for the country’s future by thinking about looking up how to get an absentee ballot sent to Ithaca. “I’m no hero,” said the champion of democracy. “It’s just so obvious to me that Biden’s visibly deteriorating mental state…
Ah, pasta e fagiolil! I just returned from what was supposed to be my perfect Spring abroad in Italy because I was infected with the severe Novel Coronavirus outbreak plaguing the mother country. Gabagool! There I was by Il Duomo in Florence, enjoying a magnifico chunka parmigiano and barbera when bada bing bada boom my…