Tag Archives: comedy

Bold! CUPB Assumes Hannibal Buress Funnier Over Zoom Than My Technologically Inept 86-Year-Old Economics Professor

April 14, 2020UncategorizedAcademics, Campus Life, comedy, CUPB, Hannibal Buress, Professor, ZoomNooz Staff

This post is sponsored by CUPB! Cornell University Program Board is proud to (virtually) welcome Hannibal Buress, a cast member on Broad City and co-host on the Eric Andre Show.

This FREE moderated and audience Q&A is only open to the Cornell Community on a first come, first serve basis. Hannibal will be reading your questions, so if you have any, fill out this form: https://forms.gle/uvMLdWGQq5oeLrXu6

To register for the zoom webinar, click below: https://zoom.us/webinar/register/WN_vVW_R8pRQM6oqREpVL_6cw

This FREE event is open to Cornell students, faculty, and staff.

I just found out that Hannibal Buress will be headlining CUPB’s Spring Comedy Show… virtually. Look, I love Hannibal – insanely funny guy – but just so that we’re clear: no matter what he brings to the table during his event this Friday, he will never be half as funny over Zoom as my 86-year-old economics professor, John Elkridge.

Like a lot of people, I was a little disappointed when we were told about the transition to online classes, but honestly, I have never had a better semester at Cornell. I haven’t arrived early to a single in-person class. But ever since Professor Elkridge has been forced to hold classes over Zoom, I line up overnight for this class. Heck, I’ll Zoom in with my parents sometimes.

Yesterday, I tuned into class 20 minutes early. I was the only other person in the conference, and watched with glee as the former Chair of the Economics Department was already 14 slides into presenting a PowerPoint that he had physically printed out and was holding in the wrong direction of the camera. Legendary.

I get it, Hannibal’s been on all these big shows and has his own fancy stand-up specials– whatever. He will never bring me as much joy as when I heard a frustrated Nobel Laureate in pajama pants yell “God damn it, Arlene, the fish are back” when a ‘Baby Shark’ e-card from his great-grandkids appeared as his virtual background. Comedy. Gold.

So yes, I’ll be watching Hannibal’s Zoom thing on Friday, but good luck coming close to matching the comedic stylings of a confused older person forced to try new things… on camera.

How To Justify To Marie Kondo That Empty Alcohol Bottles Bring You Joy

February 6, 2020UncategorizedCampus Life, cleaning, Collegetown, comedy, Cornell, cornell university, Dorm Life, Freshman, Freshmen, happiness, joy, List, love, Student Life, Women, wowNooz Staff

It might feel like Ithaca winter will drag on forever, but spring cleaning time will be here before you know it. And who better to consult for advice than Marie Kondo, author of the best-selling “The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up” and star of her eponymous Netflix series?

So here’s the dealio – Marie’s method tells us to reflect on each of our belongings (yes, even your crusty old mouthguard) and keep them only if they spark joy.

You might be tempted to toss that economics textbook, but remember: the textbook helps you pass the class, which helps you graduate with a degree in Finance, which will score you a cushy Wall Street job. And money sure brings you joy!

A way tougher conundrum comes in the form of those empty bottles of Svedka lining the top of your kitchen cabinets. Sure, knocking back a cold one brings you all sorts of joy, but Mrs. Kondo might insist that you thank the bottle for its service and discard it, now that it’s outlived its usefulness.

Not so fast! You’ve got a strong claim that those bottles are still presently bringing you joy. They’re a reminder of a happier, simpler time, like last Thursday, when you downed a magnum bottle of Barefoot White Zinfandel by yourself in the dark because you got your fourth job rejection in a week. These bottles show you’re chill! You can hang! You’re one of the bros!

Sure, your mom might cry every time she walks into your dingy Collegetown apartment because her “worst fears have been realized” and you’re “turning out just like your father,” but think of how informational your collection is! Move over, FiveThirtyEight, this is a real-life infographic of all the fun you’ve had.

Armed with these arguments, you are prepared to stand up to Marie Kondo for your right to amass years of party remnants for all to see. Although, you could probably just avoid all of this conflict in the first place by passing on spring cleaning this go-around.

Heartwarming: When This Student In a Wheelchair Felt Left Out, These Brothers Helped Him Do a Keg Stand!

April 10, 2018Uncategorizedbeer, college, comedy, Cornell, disability, Drinking, Frat, Greek, inclusion, keg, Party, Social, wowNooz Staff

Adapting to College life can be tough for everyone, but imagine how hard it is for those of us facing physical disabilities. All of the social anxieties felt by being thrown into a new setting with dozens of people you’ve never met before get heightened by the palpable impairment that makes you feel completely different from everyone else.

This was especially true for Dwight Albert ‘21, who was paralyzed from the waist down when he was only four years old.

“Having a limited use of motor skills and using a wheelchair to get around is how I’ve lived for as long as I can remember, making it super tough to play even simple games like beer pong and slap cup, let alone do a keg stand,” said Albert.

When some people on his floor convinced him to go out last Saturday, Matthew was expecting more of the same: multiple sets of stares, awkward conversations, and just feeling out of place.

But right before Dwight was about to call it quits and head back to North, some brothers noticed he was looking a little down, and decided to completely turn his night around—or as some would say, upside-down!

“We just brought him over to the center of the room, helped him out of his wheelchair, and got him straightened out for the keg stand. He was a natural and everyone started chanting his name, it made the party that much better! He even was able to stay on there for 50 seconds, the longest of the night!” said Tanner Blake ’18, who originally had the idea to help out Dwight.

Wow! What an inspiring and uplifting story of brotherhood and compassion. Hopefully, this act of generosity can help make our campus a more inclusive place in the future!

Game Changer: Bus Stop Bagels Achieves Perfect Bagel to Bus Stop Ratio

February 27, 2018Uncategorizedbagels, bus stop, bus stop bagels, comedy, Cornell, cornell dining, food porn, Ithaca, kennedy hallNooz Staff

Cornell Dining continues to tower above the rest, as evidenced by their most recent feat. Bus Stop Bagels, located in Kennedy Hall, has done what no other eatery has managed to do: achieve the most exquisite bagel to bus stop ratio.

Good job, Bus Stop Bagels! That’s quite a schmear!

“Bus Stop Bagel has many bagels, and only one bus stop,” says employee Darrell Reynolds ‘20. “That’s exactly how many bus stops you need. One thick, doughy, delicious bus stop for all of your bagel needs.”

You said it, Darrell! Me likey!

Bus Stop Bagels offers delectable selections such as poppy seed, cinnamon raisin, and even pumpernickel (for all of those adventurous dark bagel connoisseurs). But they also offer one singular bus stop, flavored like a bus stop, which is the perfect number of bus stops.

That’s a spicy meat-a-ball!

Students across campus appreciate the effort Cornell put in to develop this mathematically perfect ratio. “One time, I ate three bagels and then took the one bus. I nutted my pants,” stated Kenneth Fuchs ‘18.

Sweet chimichangas, Batman! I can’t wait to dig into those bagels and take that bus. Choo Choo!

Celebrate Black History Month at Cornell with Your Favorite Black Friends

February 6, 2018UncategorizedBHM, Black History Month, college, comedy, Cornell, Diversity, friends, inclusion, Ithaca, satire, SocialNooz Staff

It’s February, so that means it’s time to celebrate Black History Month! We all know about Martin Luther King Jr. and Harriet Tubman, so let’s take this opportunity to reflect on all of the meaningful connections you have made with your black friends, emphasis on the “s!” What a good person you are! Without further ado, here’s a tribute to your favorite Black People™ at Cornell:

Cynthia

Here’s Cynthia! Remember her? You walked over her while she lying down in protest in Willard Straight Hall. While you’re not sure why she’s so angry all the time, she certainly has some spunk! This one’s for you, Cynthia!

Johnny

Johnny sat in from of you in chemistry last year, and you liked his Facebook post about racism on campus. Good for you, bud!

That One Group of African Students

African students are an important part of the Cornell community and they deserve some recognition too! You don’t actually know any them but maybe you can ask them to give you some African lessons!

Kahlil

Don’t forget about Kahlil! He invited you to a Alpha Phi Alpha party and you managed to last five minutes without clutching your wallet and crying! He also taught you to dab without embarrassing yourself! Yay Kahlil!

Imani

Imani over there is the only person of color in your sorority, who thankfully fulfills your chapter’s diversity quota. One of these days you might even have a substantive conversation with her. Baby steps!

Isaiah

You haven’t even seen Isaiah in person, but you have a friend who’s friends with him, so that counts too, right? Score one for diversity!

Luis

While Luis is Dominican, you’re still unsure whether he’s black or not. Regardless, you don’t speak Spanish, so you’ll probably never find out anyway. Three cheers to you, Luis!

Wow! With so many African American friends, the possibilities for celebrating Black History Month at Cornell are endless!

QUIZ: Is Your Immune System Adult Enough to Handle the Changing Seasons, Or Will You Infect Us All with the Flu?

October 12, 2017Uncategorizedcomedy, cornell university, flu, humor, satire, sickNooz Staff

Heartwarming: Ithaca Will Accept 50 Syrian Refugees and Steve from Cortland

December 9, 2016Uncategorizedcomedy, Cornell, Ithaca, refugees, satire, Svante Myrick, syria, syrian refugees, wowNooz Staff

Sometimes, a community comes together to make the world a better place. And that’s exactly what our inspiring little City on the Hill did when it was recently approved to accept 50 refugees, and also this guy Steve Schweitzer from Cortland.

Beautiful!

“We hope that we’ve made a positive impact on the lives of these refugees, and that they will in turn help our community grow. And I hear Steve is pretty cool dude too. He does construction management or something like that,” said Ithaca Mayor Svante Myrick.

Wow! We are so lucky to live in a progressive city with a Mayor dedicated to helping people across the world in need, even if one those people was doing fine beforehand but “just wanted to change things up, ya know?” by moving to Ithaca.

Many of the refugees come from war-torn cities and had to live in dangerous conditions before they were allowed to come to the US, and while Cortland is actually a fine town, Steve will probably like The Commons and Ithaca’s breathtaking gorges over wherever he would hang out there.

Wow. What an inspiring story!

Dweeb Alert: Kid With Five Backpacks Runs To Class

November 11, 2016UncategorizedBackpack, class, comedy, Cornell, dweeb, nerd, run, VideoNooz Staff

Cecily Strong Didn’t Bring Any Friends To Her Show, So We Drew Some In For Her

November 1, 2016UncategorizedCecily Strong, comedy, CUPB, Events, SNLNooz Staff

Last week, CUPB brought comedian and SNL cast member Cecily Strong for a show titled “Cecily Strong & Friends.” The only problem? She didn’t bring any of her friends! We thought that was too bad, so we drew some friends in for her. Don’t worry, Cecily, we’ve got your back!

These are Cecily Strong’s friends, Jeff and Sally. They came all the way to Ithaca with her from New York City for this show!

This is Cecily Strong’s friend Kristen, who she used to live with for a while before she got an apartment of her own.

This is Cecily Strong’s friend and fellow SNL cast member Kenan Thompson.

This is Cecily Strong’s dog, Wilbur. Dog is man AND woman’s best friend!

This is Cecily Strong and her imaginary friend, The Right Honorable Lady Amelia..

This Ithaca Barber Gave Me a Circumcision When I Asked for “a Bit Off the Top,” But He Did a Pretty Good Job

October 14, 2016Uncategorizedbarber, comedy, Cornell, haircut, Ithaca, satireNooz Staff

Ithaca barbers aren’t well known for their quality. I don’t know a single person who’s gotten a decent haircut anywhere close to campus. And I’m no exception, because when I asked a barber in Collegetown to take a bit off the top, he circumcised me. Now, normally, I would complain, but he actually did a pretty good job.

I’ll admit, when this guy, a licensed cosmetologist, didn’t start cutting the hair on my head immediately, I got worried, but I wasn’t about to question the guy with scissors pointed at my junk. And good thing too, because I got a lovely circumcision! Well worth the $15.

I never realized how much of a burden foreskin truly was until that incompetent Ithaca haircutter astronomically screwed up his very job description. It’s probably better that he didn’t touch my head in the first place though, because any number he could do on my regular hair would pale in comparison to the immaculate sculpture he has made my shlong. Kudos.

My bangs are still too long, which is a bummer, and it always gets all knotted and tangled, so I’ll probably need to get a real haircut soon. But for now I’m living the high life with a circumcision that will make all my Jewish friends jealous!