Tag Archives: cornell university

Read This Harrowing Tale: One Girl’s Quest Through the Terrace Burrito Line

Panda Express

I might’nt e’er forget the events that transpired on that Godforsaken Orange Chicken Wednesday for as long as Orion’s belt should remain fastened. Before sophomore year, I’d been a mere fawn, far too weak, too feeble-minded; I daredn’t embark on a journey that had vanquished so many before me in Read More

Mental Health Win! Cornell Adds Three More Counselors To Serve Population of 23,000

After years of complaints, it looks like Cornell may finally be listening to the student body. Today the university announced they will be adding not one, not even two, but THREE full-time counselors for Cornell’s 23,000 undergraduate, graduate, and professional students! These aren’t just any counselors they’re hiring, either. All Read More

The Next Sigmund Freud? This Psychology Student Wants to Fuck His Mom!

GOLDWIN SMITH HALL—Thought you were a special student? Think again! After years of studying psychology, Francis Elkhart ‘21 is making a name for himself as the next Sigmund Freud. His secret? He has an unrelenting desire to fuck his mother! No other psychology student has anything close to Francis’s gift Read More

AVAILABLE FOR RENT: One-Bedroom Cardboard Box, No Bath, No Kitchen, Close to Campus, $650/month!!!

I’m looking for a responsible, clean, quiet tenant to live in my one-bedroom cardboard box for the summer of 2017. The box is fully furnished with Daily Sun newspapers, quarter cards, and rocks from nearby Cascadilla gorge. While the box has no bathroom, kitchen, electricity, or space to fit most Read More