Tag Archives: cornell university

Erudite Scholar! This Engineer Actually Does The Optional Textbook Reading

ZOOM—Obnoxiously trying to broaden his horizons and get the most out of his short time at Cornell, sophomore Alex Latell ‘23 is willing to go above and beyond the call of duty to understand Data Structures. 

“When I asked my friends their thoughts on last week’s optional reading, they originally looked at me like I grew two heads,” said Latell as he happily flashed the cover of his latest foray into understanding the human condition, Infinite Jest. “But after I elucidated to them the importance of furthering one’s intellectual horizons through devout dedication to one’s classes, they assured me they too would strive to study the optional readings.”

Emboldened by his growing brain, Latell even volunteered to lead his recitation session to the abject horror of his professor. “While I love to see students engage with the material, Mr. Latell has taken it a bit far,” said Professor Altman as he joyously moved Latell’s line-by-line commentary to the trash. “These readings are supposed to be for fun about topics that interest you, not more homework.”

Despite spending more time on the class than the rest of his friend group, Latell somehow received the worst grade on his prelim. He maintains that he was “surprised” none of the optional readings were on the prelim, but he would remain committed to “expanding his ever growing mental encyclopedia of non-essential knowledge.”

Social Distancing Win? I Got Lost

While on a trek to Nasties for a 1:00 a.m. meatball sub, I suddenly realized that I was in what seemed to be a large forest. There wasn’t a soul in sight. You know what that means—I can let down my mask and breathe in the crisp fall air! No risk of COVID-19 transmission here!

Just me, myself, and I, as well as something that may have been a mountain lion. Or maybe it was a coyote? Either way, it wasn’t wearing a mask but was greater than six feet away, so I think that’s probably okay. Besides, it wasn’t coughing or anything, but boy can it growl!

Wait, do we even have mountain lions in Ithaca? Aren’t those more of a mountain thing? Am I in Vermont? I sure hope so, because they have the lowest number of cases per 100,000 residents of any state in the USA!

My phone died a while ago, so I can’t check Google Maps or anything—and more importantly, I can’t complete my Daily Check. Hopefully Cayuga Medical will understand that I’m practicing a more effective form of virus protection: walking so far into the countryside that I haven’t seen any lights in at least an hour.

If we all took such simple measures as venturing an unknown distance into a vast wilderness in the night, I bet we’d knock out the coronavirus in a jiffy. Health goals! I am getting very cold!

No Sex on Thursday: My Mom and I Watched Them Pick the Wrong House on House Hunters International And Then I Went to Bed at 9PM

By Miley Mortgage

I know you sexually frustrated quarintiners probably want me to tell you some empowering story about me letting go of my insecurities while getting my pussy stuffed by three strangers in the clocktower. Maybe you’d like to read a feel-good tale of how I finally taught Jake the difference between the urethra and the clitoris. But this week, all I have is a very unerotic story about a completely mundane weeknight where I lounged on the couch in sweatpants and watched HGTV with my mom.

To be clear, there will be absolutely nothing sensual, salacious, or even mildly titillating in this article henceforth. No one would blame you for turning around at this point.

With that disclaimer out of the way let me just tell you something: These people on House Hunters International had NO BUSINESS moving to Prague whatsoever. First of all, only one of them had a job (he was a footwear model), and neither of them spoke any Czech. That might be an issue don’t you think? Also, this guy was dead set on living out in the country, while she refused to even consider a property outside the city center. Why didn’t they decide on that before they went on the show?! At the same time, they had this enormous wish list of items and a budget of only €250 per month. I definitely don’t think they needed three bedrooms or a personal office space. Then, when the realtor would show them properties they could actually afford that didn’t have some of the things they were asking for, they had the audacity to get mad at her. Madness!

I tried raising some of these concerns to my mom, but she wasn’t paying attention because she was on her phone sending me pinterest posts of “fun diy crafts” we should “totally make together” during isolation.

Finally the episode was about to end. They were about to choose between three properties: 1) The downtown studio that was over their budget and located directly over a noisy nightclub with no working washer and dryer 2) The fully finished suburban loft in their price range with two bedrooms and an outdoor patio space located minutes from the train station (obviously the correct choice) 3) The over budget fixer-upper 35 minutes from town with three bedrooms but no central heating system. The morons went with number three. 

Right after the couple made their questionable selection, the show fast forwarded to six months later, after they had already moved in. Unsurprisingly, there were still renovations going on. I guess the extra bedroom wasn’t such a bad idea after all though, because they had added a roommate up into the mix. The guy’s parents had moved in with them, which given current events probably didn’t turn out too well for him.

After the show was over, I downed a whole bottle of wine and promptly passed out in my bed at 9pm. This is the end of the article.

How To Justify To Marie Kondo That Empty Alcohol Bottles Bring You Joy

It might feel like Ithaca winter will drag on forever, but spring cleaning time will be here before you know it. And who better to consult for advice than Marie Kondo, author of the best-selling “The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up” and star of her eponymous Netflix series?

So here’s the dealio – Marie’s method tells us to reflect on each of our belongings (yes, even your crusty old mouthguard) and keep them only if they spark joy.

You might be tempted to toss that economics textbook, but remember: the textbook helps you pass the class, which helps you graduate with a degree in Finance, which will score you a cushy Wall Street job. And money sure brings you joy!

A way tougher conundrum comes in the form of those empty bottles of Svedka lining the top of your kitchen cabinets. Sure, knocking back a cold one brings you all sorts of joy, but Mrs. Kondo might insist that you thank the bottle for its service and discard it, now that it’s outlived its usefulness.

Not so fast! You’ve got a strong claim that those bottles are still presently bringing you joy.  They’re a reminder of a happier, simpler time, like last Thursday, when you downed a magnum bottle of Barefoot White Zinfandel by yourself in the dark because you got your fourth job rejection in a week. These bottles show you’re chill! You can hang! You’re one of the bros!

Sure, your mom might cry every time she walks into your dingy Collegetown apartment because her “worst fears have been realized” and you’re “turning out just like your father,” but think of how informational your collection is! Move over, FiveThirtyEight, this is a real-life infographic of all the fun you’ve had.

Armed with these arguments, you are prepared to stand up to Marie Kondo for your right to amass years of party remnants for all to see. Although, you could probably just avoid all of this conflict in the first place by passing on spring cleaning this go-around.

How To Tell If That Cool Girl In Your FWS Is Actually Cool Or Has Internalized Affectations Of The “Cool Girl” Role Due To Societal Pressures

It’s true – that girl in MEDVL 1101: Young Idiots vs. Toxic Elders with you seems really cool. But is she actually cool, or is she just an angsty little ball of insecurity desperately yearning to be perceived as cool because she never got over her lack of friends in middle school? Here’s how you can tell the difference!



She might seem busy when she swifty yet confidently flicks through her many notifications – but what if her phone isn’t buzzing with group chats, just duolingo reminders and twitter trends?

In order to discern if she’s feigning digital popularity, research if she’s constantly being bombarded by messaging that tells her that her worth and likeability are inexorably linked.



Is she being honest, you wonder, when after making an insightful remark in class she leans over and conspiratorial whispers to you that she never did the reading?

This one’s simple! Just find out if her mother unintentionally reinforced the expectation that women be effortless in their intelligence and self-deprecating towards their accomplishments, and you have your answer.



Fuck! Her confession that she felt isolated during her first month at Cornell but found a community she loves in a niche social activism group on campus only makes her cooler. Is she being real with you, or has she learned that slight vulnerability will disarm people who have been raised to be suspicious of and intimidated by self-confident women?

There’s an easy trick to tell! Just find out if she might have been subject to repeated social punishments for unabashed confidence from a young age!



Her messy lob appears to be a product of her refusal to align with traditional standards of femininity, but she also could have seen a photo of Cara Delivigne and thought it would make her appear carefree and low-maintenance. Which was her influence? Are her bed-head waves the product of a few lazy squirts of a sea-salt spray or a daily 45-minute hair-curling routine?

Just think – has she, from a young age, internalized expectations about how women should always look effortlessly beautiful? Did she read YA fiction as a teen? Has she seen more than 5 movies made in the last 126 years? Does she know what a TV is? This should give you the insights you need!


Hopefully by now you’ve figured out whether the cool girl effortlessly displays the set of incidentally consumerist and deferential traits that fit the media’s stereotype of a cool girl independent from any social pressures! Now, you can go back to figuring out if the vocal Republican in the class really is “solidly middle-class” like he claims.

Quiz: Can The Guy from Tinder Really Help You With Your Homework?

So you’ve matched with this guy from Tinder, and wouldn’t you know, it turns out you’re both taking the same Bio course this semester! After engaging in the classic conversation starters and mentioning the prelim you bombed, he offers to help and tutor you. It seems like your lucky day that this “IVY League//STUDENT Athlete” has offered his assistance in Principles of Biochemistry: Proteins and Metabolisms.

Yet, you begin to wonder: Is it too good to be true? Is Bradley the Animal Science major from Utah for real? Or could the six-foot football linebacker possibly have ulterior motives? These questions are a lot to process, but never fear: this quiz is here to help.

1. How attractive is he?


2. What opener did he use on you?


3. What’s the most interesting pic in his profile?


4. Where does he normally sit in the lecture hall?


5. What’s his iClicker strategy?


6. What kind of music is in his profile?


7. You just gave him your number. What’s the first picture he sends you?


8. Where does he want to hold the study date?


8 Bus Companies We’d Rather be Sued by Than ShortLine

Cornell Campus to Campus: C2C is a beloved student institution that runs from Cornell to New York City. We’d love to be sued by them almost as much as we’d love to be able to afford their tickets. Sure, they’re pricey and might take us for all we’re worth (approximately $150 and a dozen bagels), but we just know being sued by them would be so pleasant. We’re sure they’d bring snacks for everyone and the hearings would start promptly on time.

Peter Pan Bus Lines: Peter Pan Bus Lines is another long-distance commuter bus line based in the Northeastern United States. It has a fun name, and its busses have an aesthetically pleasing green design. Speaking of fun names, did you know the CEO of Peter Pan Bus Lines is named Peter A. Picknelly? That’s very funny to us, which is why being sued by Peter Pan would be way better than being sued by ShortLine.

Ourbus: Ourbus is cheap and quickly gaining popularity with students. With prices so low and such great service, they would have a smaller profit margin than other bus companies that charge more for the bare-minimum. That low profit margin would mean Ourbus couldn’t afford to drag out a lawsuit, and they would settle amicably! Plus, their website looks like it was made after 2005, so they’re definitely tech-savvy — we’re sure they’d respond to our lawyers promptly.

Greyhound Lines: Greyhound busses are the big kahuna of North American inter-city bus lines. Being sued by Greyhound would be a way bigger news than being sued by ShortLine. At the end of the day the news business is a business and it’s all about the clicks. Greyhound means clicks. End of story.

Bang Bros Bangbus: The Bangbus is really more of a van where unsuspecting everyday people are accosted on the street by adult film stars to have sex on camera. Sex sells, which is good for ratings. Also, In 2004, BangBros was involved in a controversy when a female performer alleged that they had made false promises about the distribution of the film and paid her through an ex-boyfriend, who then disappeared. If that really happened, we’d love the chance to face these jerks who don’t respect sex workers in court.

Tompkins Consolidated Area Transit: The TCAT provides service to the Cornell campus and entire Tompkins County. It’s a fixture in the community and students rely on it to get to class in the snow and home after drinking.The TCAT adds tremendous value to Cornell and is far more eco-friendly than cars! That’s why being sued by the TCAT would be an absolute honor. While it might be devastating to think that the TCAT is not angry, just disappointed in us, it would still be an honor to be acknowledged by them. Please, Tompkins Consolidated Area Transit, notice us. Sue us. Just acknowledge our existence.

Swarthout Coaches: Swarthout Coaches offers charter buses and group day trips for the New York State area. They’ve practically got a monopoly on charter buses in the Ithaca area. Swarthout’s reach and ubiquity is so notable that we wonder how they do it! Swarthout filing a lawsuit would give us the opportunity to ask their lawyers about their growth as a small company. Their business model seems sound, so we’d like to learn from the best. We could really use that business acumen to further our growth. If we survive the suit, that is.

The Knight Bus Company From Harry Potter And The Prisoner of Azkaban: Just meeting someone who works for a company with buses that can elongate themselves to pass in between lanes of traffic would be incredible. We’d love to see the owners of the Knight Bus in court.

Inspiring: This Freshman Signed Up For a Class With None of the Prereqs and Now He’s Fucked

It’s definitely not easy taking a class you know absolutely nothing about. But Luke Zhang ‘23 enrolled in PHYS 4230: Statistical Thermodynamics despite having taken none of its three prerequisite classes. And it was a huge mistake!

“I don’t really have the math background to be in this class. Or the physics background. But I figured I would catch on quickly enough,” said Zhang, who is now completely screwed.

Why not having the prerequisites for a class might discourage some students from enrolling, Luke is a true Cornellian and decided he should be pursuing any study, even if he was completely unprepared for the class and can’t understand any of the material.

A classmate reports that Zhang “really shouldn’t be in the class, adding that “[he] can’t even take an integral.” Let them hate—we believe in him!

Zhang certainly has his work cut out for him given his complete and utter lack of preparation, but his motivation and perseverance might help him scrape by with a passing grade. We’ll be rooting for him!

Out of Touch With Student Needs? I Said Hi to Martha Pollack And She Didn’t Say Hi Back

I don’t know about you, but I think that given today’s on-campus climate, students need support more than ever. I expect school officials to bend over backwards to let students know they’re on our side. That’s why I was profoundly disappointed yesterday when I greeted Martha Pollack on the sidewalk and she… well, she didn’t say hi back.

I mean, completely fucking snubbed me! Justifiably, I’m outraged. I understand that to the University President, I must be just a lowly freshman, but I deserve a measure of respect from someone who supposedly has my best interest in mind.

Now, I realize that she will try to sweep my story under the rug by claiming she didn’t see me waving from across the street or couldn’t hear me because she was on the phone, but frankly I find these to be wholly unsatisfactory excuses for withholding the decency I deserve.

Just another example of the holier-than-thou administration flagrantly ignoring student needs and making no effort to create a welcoming campus environment. Shame on you, Martha—shame on you.


Life Hack: Save Time Writing Papers by Redacting Everything

Ever find yourself nine pages deep on a Friday night, trying to get to that sweet, sweet number 10? Well, our team of successful students and espionage attorneys have the perfect solution for you! Everyone knows about enlarging periods or expanding margins to lengthen your essay, but this one trick will finish your paper in just one simple step—what could be easier? All you have to do is… redact everything! That’s right, the whole thing!

This tried-and-true method for hiding things under small black boxes is perfect for everyone from stressed-out students to nervous government officials. Whatever it is, just hit Ctrl+A, highlight in black, and boom: Life=hacked!!! The instructor literally cannot penalize you or he will face prosecution. What a great DIY trick!

The best part? If it’s redacted, you can write literally anything!!! Put some random strings of letters under there, or confidential information—the reader will never know. If you’re asked about it, just mumble something about “regulations” or “sensitive information!” They’ll think your transition sentences are so good that leaking them would be a threat to national security.

Does your thesis statement “lack contravertability”? Just redact that shit. Come up with some excuse like “Harm to an Ongoing Matter.” After all, your GPA is an ongoing matter, right?

Pretty sick, right? But the best part of all is that |HARM TO AN ONGOING MATTER Oh, so you think you’re really fucking clever right now, don’t you. Highlighting the text to read the words like a big man, huh? Well get ready. Our lawyers are going to pounce on you so fucking hard. The rest of this is pure nonsense—let’s see how you like that.